To be called a “good mother” is perhaps one of the more powerful motivating factor in any mom’s life. Even mothers who claim not to need that kind of validation do need it. But it seems to me, lately, that the definition of “good mom” is less the opposite of “bad mom” and more in contradiction to the “lazy mom.”
So really, when we are told “You’re such a good mom!” because of something we’ve done with our children, it’s because we look proactive, we’re doing something caring or loving or energetic that is above and beyond the call of duty to keep our children clean and fed and basically…away from mortal peril. So on the days when we make handicrafts and go for walks and then have a long string of pictures to put up on Facebook or er…a blog…and we are called “A Good Mom,” it feels good. Until the day we wake up and feel tired or trapped and turn on the TV and eat food out of cans all day and just mope. Then, although we probably STILL played with our kids all day and gave them love and attention, the lack of something to hang on the fridge or a picture to put online or cheerful story about the day means that we are a Bad. Mom. Lazy. Mom. And no one leaves a comment to that effect, but that’s what the lack of comments feels like.
I love it when people tell me, “You’re such a good mom!” in response to something I’ve done. But the majority of days goes by where I’m just doing my thing, hoping I’m doing ok. And the thing is, even on the days when my kid gets chicken nuggets for every meal and when I spend most of the day on the couch watching things on the DVR, or when I check out mentally and let someone else (i.e. John) handle the child’s needs I STILL know I’m a good mom. But what can I put on Facebook to prove it?
Sidenote: not everything I put on Facebook is to that effect, mostly it’s to let people see how my child has grown, keep up with people I miss, show the cute things he does. But I’ll admit it, sometimes I brag. And I want people to NOTICE WHAT I DO ALL DAY. You do the same thing, admit it.
When I went to school I got grades, I got feedback from professors, I was told that I had talent and that I was smart. I was something special. When I worked I got things done. I accomplished goals and made people laugh. People liked to be around me because we had fun. I liked to be around people because they were fun. I added something to the mix. I wonder if this is why we’ve had a SAHMblogsplosion. We’ve got a new generation of Moms that have been to school, been out in the workforce and are either still there WHILE being a full-time parent or have chosen to stay at home. And we all need validation, dammit. (And just to clarify, I get plenty. I’m just pondering.)
When I think about my Mom’s Mom, I don’t picture her as needing ANY kind of validation at all. She raised all her children (a LOT of children) she cooked and cleaned and warned her grandchildren of the dangers of eating too many strawberries from the garden. What made her so different from me? Why could she go about her day, DAYS, and just do what needed to be done, enjoy what she enjoyed, make the choices that she could make and get on with it. Did she obsess with other moms about which milk to use or the benefits of reading books with her children or about what kind of soap to chose? I’m guessing she did not. But maybe she did. Maybe she received validation in ways I didn’t see or pay attention to. Maybe she spent time wanting it. Is it the internet that has allowed us to draw out every aspect of motherhood in deliberation, or is it this new generation of moms? Or did my grandmothers do it too, we just don’t have an internet record of it, so it doesn’t seem like it actually happened?
I really wonder about this stuff. And more than that, I wonder what Good Moms did on Lazy Mom days when they didn’t have DVRs. Hmmmm…..
