So, my time with Wells Fargo bank has been rather uneventful, til now. Except for the outrageous amount of mail they insist on sending me, I think we’ve been pretty happy together. Considering that I’m getting married in two weeks and John has been with his credit union a lot longer than I’ve been with Wells Fargo- I thought I’d switch banks. That way we’ll be able to have access to all the joint accounts and personal accounts and credit cards and anything else we decide to set up, easily, online, and in one place. So, I left work for a few minutes today with the intent to leave Wells Fargo behind forever. I’ve already opened up another account with America First, switched my direct deposit and gym payment, so what’s the big deal, right? Well, apparently, it IS a big deal.
I arrive at the bank which is actually smaller in square feet than the office I work in now, but staffed with about 15 people, well, 15 visible people anyway. A blond girl with too much lipstick greets me and says, “HOW can WE help YOU today?” After I had taken a moment to cringe, I told her, “I want to CLOSE my ACCOUNT.” So we shift to the right about 4 steps and I find myself in a cubicle filled with a man who looks at me like, “What do we have here?” I sit down and say, “I’d like to close my accounts.” He takes my Social, and asks, “Can I ask why?” I say (stupidly) “I’m getting married,” and he leans back and looks at me, then decides to spend a few minutes giving me a lesson about how, I “shouldn’t just close all my accounts and count on my husband to handle the finances, that’s a lot of burden for a man after working all day, as well” and ON TOP OF THAT (you know, all the tedious paperwork that two students could possibly accrue) I “need to establish my own, individual credit score,” and “what if something happens and you’re left on your own?” I could feel the heat start to build in my stomach and work it’s way up my neck, and all I could say was, “I’m quite prepared for any situation that might arise, I assure you. Will you close my accounts now?” He goes on, “Also, it’s important to establish credit history with banks and credit unions OUTSIDE of Utah County- it may be comfortable now, I’m sure you have family all over these parts, but you probably won’t get to stay here forever.” I stare at him blankly. I was furious but simultaneously discrediting anything anyone says that contains the phrase “These parts.” He turns to his computer and scrolls through my transactions for the past month. All of a sudden it was like I was naked sitting in that little cubicle, and THEN, I SWEAR he smiled like the Grinch, turned to me and said, “If you wanted to close your accounts so badly, why did you use your cards?” Then he looked behind me as if some angry fiance would be standing behind me, appalled at my thoughtlessness. I looked behind me to see what he was looking at (just blond girl, alone in the foyer, chewing her tongue). It was the weirdest accusation in my whole life. His tone said, “I know you don’t really want to close your accounts.” I said, “I’m sorry? I used them on Tuesday, and I paid off my credit card balance yesterday.” He replied, “I can’t do anything for you for 3-5 business days. Maybe you should think about this.” More blank staring from me. At this point, I WANTED to stand and say,
“You know what? You have been the most unhelpful jerk of a man to give me unsolicited marriage advice in WEEKS. I’m not sure you even have a BRAIN. I am NOT from Utah County, and have probably had bank accounts in more places than you’ve SEEN, and even have an account open in my own name on the EAST COAST. ALSO, if you want to throw down credit scores, let’s do it! I bet you anything I’d win. I might LOOK young, but I am not an idiot. I am also not your daughter, and not here for marriage counseling. And thank you, as well, for the kind warning that my husband might not live forever. That’s especially timely advice 2 weeks before my impending wedding. I do realize that if my husband were to die, at that devastatingly sad juncture in my life, the one thought I’d think to myself is, my one big regret would be: ‘Oh, if I’d only stayed with Wells Fargo.’ And as for the little incident with my card at Lon’s Cookin’ Shack two days ago, I WAS HUNGRY. Do you HAVE to smirk about it???”
But just like so many moments in my life that seem to have the same exact theme as this one, I hardly said anything that would shock this moron out of his sexist, thoughtless, inappropriate habits and just left. Maybe the next girl to come in will need the advice. I just needed to leave.
I don’t know whether to be mad at all the idiot girls who get married and decide to become so anonymous and dependent that they warrant this kind of advice (even though there were aspects of this advice that NO ONE WARRANTS), or at this man who clearly didn’t understand that because of his ramblings I no longer had time to go get something from Subway.
