Little Kite Girl

So…yesterday did not go as planned.  I got a call asking me about my prep for the procedure and letting me know that the nurse wanted to talk to the doctor- because the drugs used to take care of pain during the procedure do cross the placenta barrier.  Apparently, although the drugs are used in labor, they can cause the baby’s heart to stop or him to stop breathing, and need to be resuscitated.  That would be less of a risk if the baby were actually coming OUT, but as he is staying IN, the risk was too great.  So instead…we had a consultation.  My symptoms were worrisome enough to the GI, who decided right then and there that we’d do a scaled-down version on the colonoscopy sans drugs.  I could feel the panic starting to rise, but I just had to remind myself (and have John remind me) that I was doing it for the baby.  I needed to do it for the safety of my baby.  So, as fun as it was, it wasn’t too bad.  Just one of those moments in life that you close your eyes and hope to GOD they find something so that it can all be over.  The procedure did end…but with no real answers.  Follows more tests, more samples, more waiting.  Another weekend of hoping to hear on Monday.  Another few days of just dealing with it.  Meanwhile, I’ve missed a bunch of work and school, and am actually, quite literally starting to go crazy.  To top it all off the doctor said that we may STILL have to do the colonosopy as a “last resort.”  We both kind of feel like he may be stalling…trying to draw out the other tests and find answers another way until I’m further along in the pregnancy- and honestly…I’m glad.  Everyone just kept saying, “You’ll be fine, you’ll be fine, it’s perfectly safe!” and meanwhile I just kept feeling like it was NOT fine and that my baby and I would go to sleep for this procedure and only one of us would wake up.  I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever felt more fear in my entire life.  Even if I just have to suffer through this until after the baby is born, I’m not convinced it worth the risk to fix me when he’s just fine.  Worst case scenario- I have to stay home, my Mommy comes and takes care of me so that John can go to school and work, and we just get by.  I can’t worry too much about anything but this baby right now.  If he’s ok, everything else will be too. What can be so wrong about life when there are so many people who love you?  Not a lot.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 18th, 2008 at 9:55 am and is filed under Toooo tired to choose a category. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.