I wonder if everyone runs out of gas sometimes. I see so many moms around me who never seem to lose it, whose children are always congenial (and well-dressed), and who manage to keep immaculate homes and families and cultivate elaborate, crafty hobbies while doing a million other things at the same time. Do they ever lose it? One specific hippy-ish mom I know floats around with her baby in a sling and talks with this tone of voice like she just woke up from a nap and found fairies and dewdrops dancing on her baby’s brow. She bugs me. Does she ever flip out?
I ran out of gas last night. Bad. I gave Camper his nighttime bottle and rocked him to sleep, gave him little kisses and swaddled him up well. And he wouldn’t go to sleep. Not even a little. 4am I finally put his pacifier in (we’re avoiding that at night) and went to lay in bed with John. I heard Camper fuss and went and put his pacifier back in and ended up sitting in the kitchen, just crying. At that moment I felt like I was never going to sleep again, ever. I just felt so done…I wasn’t really mad or even frustrated, I just felt scared that I had run out of energy or the ability to do anything for my baby. I was done. That’s when John found me, put me in bed, kissed my face, and went to sleep with Camper in his room. I cried myself to sleep and then wondered if that’s how Camper feels when he cries, tired but unable to sleep, and desperate for someone I love to come cuddle me. I eventually did fall asleep and woke up a little groggy, a little embarrassed, but better. I was even BETTER after a nap with Camper this morning in my bed, something else I don’t like to do. We REALLY want him to love his own bed.
Anyway…When John got home from school we ate dinner and then he sent me first, for a nap, then out on my own for a bit. I drove around Provo in the dark, had a grown-up conversation catching up with my friend Anisa who lives just a bit to far south for me to just “swing by,” and then ran by the grocery store. I’m home again now and honestly…still tired. But I’ll be ok.
Before you have a baby you picture everything being perfect, sleepy cuddly nighttime feedings with moonlight and cooing and lots of love. Then some more cooing while your baby drifts off into a beautiful sleep. What you actually get are nighttime feedings where lotsa love is the only thing keeping you from calling the Gypsies to see if you can schedule a pickup time. I take my hat off to any woman who braves this on her own. I am so glad to have a husband who loves me and takes care of me, even when all I can do to take care of him in return is to try and make sure he gets some veggies at least once a day and try to give him some uninterrupted sleep when I’m not crying on the kitchen floor. He even does laundry. Yup. It also helps that I can leave him with the baby with complete confidence- he actually had to show me how to NOT put a diaper on backward in the beginning.
I love my baby. He is amazing. He has added a dimension to my life that nothing else could- and I KNOW he was meant for our family. I love to watch his face and see the little ways he changes every day. I would never, never actually give him to the Gypsies. I actually missed him tonight, being out for an hour. But I gotta be honest, sometimes missing him is nice, and necessary.
Tags: All About Baby, husband, newborn, nighttime, SAHM, support
Hi, me again (FYI-it WAS your blog I was talking about!). I say hats off to you if this is the first time you’ve run out of gas. I have at least one melt down per day, when the fatigue is just too much to bear, and I collapse into tears. THANK GOODNESS for husbands to step in at those times–amen to that.
And some unsolicited advice (sorry, I’m sure you’re getting enough of that). I find that I’m a lot happier when I allow a little “give” in my schedule with baby–a few naps together isn’t going to throw him completely off, and I love doing it every now and again.
That’s it! I won’t advise any more!
Oh I have definitely lost it before…this just seemed to be the worst so far. And I agree with the giving in every once in awhile- we do what we have to for our sanity, and just to enjoy it every so often :)
Reading your blog lately reminds me so much of how it was when Kayla was so new and so intimidating to me! I love it, because now, three years later, it evokes that overwhelming tenderness for her that those first months created and that time has softened (but in my defense, this kid is a mini-me, asking me non-stop questions, comments and songs from sun up to sun down…my mother was more of a saint than I ever knew!) It also makes me appreciate that those days are over! Reading your post today, I recalled very distinctly the first meltdown I had, as I was leaving the NICU without Kayla for what seemed like the millionth time. I was inconsolable, thinking I was a bad mother, and I couldn’t take care of her, any and all manner of horrible things. After she came home, I had a few bad ones too. Her first night, when she cried the moment the door closed behind everyone else, and the noise subsided, and the baby who slept through all conditions in the NICU suddenly became the shrill monster of doom…when we discovered she had acid reflux…and so many more. My whole point to this rambling comment…YOU ARE NOT ALONE! We all feel this way, and there will be many more times throughout his life you will feel this way. And don’t feel guilty or confused or bad about it, because its supposed to be. Its yet another untold truth of motherhood…there will be many you will soon come to discover. Oh, and as a P.S. wait till he has a night terror…I screamed in Kayla’s face and burst into tears…I was so terrified! I think I am still scarred from that experience. But the feelings you are feeling, and the feeling of the rose colored glasses of life post baby when you are still pre baby coming off, are normal. And to answer your comment from my blog, I can’t wait for you to finally be closer…we’re having mommy field trips…and maybe sometimes we’ll even bring the kids! HAHA! I LOVE YOU!