I wrote this a couple of weeks ago:
Looking back at the last couple of years, I realized that I seem to have condensed quite a few years worth of events into a rather short period of time. I met John in September of 2006, and we were engaged by January. We had a longish engagement (for the area we lived in, where people usually get married within 3 months of the proposal) and were married in August of 2007. I was pregnant by January, and had Camper in September. When I left for my mission in September of 2004, I wrote in my journal that I hope life wouldn’t leave me out, or leave me behind because I was choosing to leave everything behind for a year an a half. I’m suddenly realizing that it did not leave me behind, in fact…it almost put itself on pause, just waiting for me to get back so it could play itself out in good time.
It’s kind of crazy, but it’s played out like this:
May 2006: Home from England
September- met John
January 2007- engaged
September-married
January 2008-pregnant
September-Mommy
Big changes. The funny thing is, I feel like I have been married forever. I feel like I’ve been Camper’s Mom forever. The reality is, however, that I have actually been living in this new life of mine for a relatively short period of time. The last week or so, I’ve started to feel a growing feeling of nostalgia for the past, and a bit of sadness at my lack of effort to bring important things from my past into my future. I spent a couple of hours in a crawlspace the other day, surrounded by boxes of journals and books and stuffed animals, and realized that I am in need of a renovation. I’ve taken a break from the rest of life for a while now, and I think it was a good thing. I needed time to get used to this new family of mine. But now we’re in a situation where our baby is 6 months old, my health is finally under control, I’m NOT pregnant, and it’s time get back into the swing of things.
I wrote that after a recent visit with one of my best friends, Christine. Her visit was timely for a lot of reasons, but mostly because it got me thinking about why I am who I am, who I used to be, and which parts of myself I’ve let get pushed into the background since my mission, Utah, marriage, baby, etc. Here’s the thing: I’m not sad that I’ve changed and started new things, I love my family. I’m just finally at a stage where I can start building on myself again, working towards things like career goals.
For anyone who knew, I had applied to a program through the University of Illinois, an online program that would have allowed me to become a librarian. I thought that it would be the perfect plan for me, I was really psyched about it. I would be able to get through the degree while staying at home with Camper, and then have a career helping students research in a university setting. Academia. It was perfect.
And then I didn’t get in. Which really sucked. I wondered what was wrong with my records that I didn’t get in. My grades have always been really good, I’ve taken challenging classes. I should have gotten in! After I cried for a bit, moaning the loss of my newest plan, I was able to see that 1) Who knows if I wasn’t good enough, or if I was just one of MANY who were good enough. Not everyone can get in. Qualified candidates get turned away all the time, right? 2) I should have taken the GRE. Even though it wasn’t “required” if you had a certain GPA, I’m thinking that to be seriously considered, I need to take it. 3) I don’t want to be a librarian.
I know. I know. In some ways that job would be perfect for me, but after talking to John, I realized that I was going for a career that would get me close to the life I wanted. But why work with students when I want to BE a student? Why help others with their research when I don’t feel quite done with school myself?
John asked me to really think about where I would have taken my education if I hadn’t interrupted it to serve a mission in England and then gone to BYU, gotten married and become a Mommy. He also told me to look into full residency programs. Taking that into account, as well as long conversations with Christine (my dream job, remember?) I thought, why does what I really want to do have to be a dream?
So the new plan. I’m going to take this year. I’m going to be at home with my son, teach piano lessons, study for and take the GRE. And I’m going to apply to programs. PROGRAMS. Not one, but many, where I can get a Masters in Religious Studies. So far, of the programs I’ve found, it looks like I’d focus on Religion and Culture, or something similar. I’d be qualified to teach religion classes at any university that offers courses in religion. I can focus my study on Catholicism and Interfaith Dynamics (these things really exist!) and maybe, just maybe, even participate in retreats again. I can be excited about what I study, and teach things I’m really interested in.
I’ve hestiated to make this choice for many reasons. It never seemed like a “real” thing to do to me. A degree in religious studies rivals philosophy in the “what are you going to do with that?” department. The answer: academia and service. I can stay in academia, I can have a better chance of connecting with people through teaching about the Bible and gospel principles (and when I say this I don’t mean from my personal belief persepctive) and who knows? maybe even get into retreats where ever I end up. I’ve always shied away from being the “religious degree girl,” but why? Teaching religion is the most fulfilling thing that I can imagine doing. Aside from motherhood, that is. But I think I can have both. I’ve also stayed away from studying Catholicism because while in Scranton, I felt very keenly that I was not as qualified as the students around me in the theology classes I took. Well, that’s not true. There were plenty of people who knew less than I did, but what I knew I knew as a Mormon girl. And I wasn’t in the “inner circle” of theology students. For some reason, the way I was interested in theology didn’t seem like the right way…to be interested…Now I’m realizing that perhaps I simply didn’t take enough time to figure it all out. But I can do that now.
I’ll say that I’m still in the beginning stages of how to get this going. But I’m not rushing it. I’ve sent off some emails to different people in different programs (so far the two that have really caught my eye are Catholic University of America and University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill) just to open dialogue to the possibilites. I’m going to take my time and find the program that will allow me to do what I want to do.
