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Archive for December, 2009

Happy, Almost. Ok, not quite yet but working on it.

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

Ok people. I’ve spent today doing things ON PURPOSE. Even after a night of not sleeping, I got myself up (took a nap later courtesy of my father watching my son for a bit), cleaned up my room, stripped the diapers, scrubbed the bathroom, and played with my son. I also cuddled someone else’s dog for awhile- which was kind of nice. (They were gone all day and their dog needed some attention. I wish I had room in my life for a dog of my own right now.)

But the POINT of all of this is: I’m still a little surly. (See image below.)

Christmas 062 (And yes, that’s my current waistline.)

I’m even, I daresay, feeling a little hopeless, wondering how long my family will struggle through with these specific hardships. (I say specific, because I’ve come to the realization that we will ALWAYS have hardships…but I’m tiring of these ones. Did I even dare say that?) But I’ve decided to just get through it.

Things I’m focusing on this week:

-Everyone out there who is saying to themselves:”What does she have to whine about? The people she loves most are pretty happy, healthy, and mostly right around her. She has such a cute kid, even though I’ve never seen his face. She’s got to get it TOGETHER!” I agree with you. Top of my to-do list.

-Last night I had a piano recital, hosted at one of my student’s houses, for all of my “under 18″ set. It was great, and I felt so proud of them. Moreover, I realized that I’m doing something kind of cool with these kids. It’s a good thing.

-I miss my husband so much, which means I love him, but I’m also still functioning while he’s gone at his 10 day residency. Which means three things. a) I’m more capable than last time around b) I have amazing family to help me and c) my kid is older.

-Christmas will come again next year, so I’ll have another chance at Merriness. Without the bitterness. Even though there was at least ONE thing I didn’t feel bitter about this year. Check out his super cuteness.

Christmas 008

Christmas 026

-No one likes a grouch. Or a pessimist. But TECHNICALLY, I think pessimism usually focuses on what you think about the future. So the fact that I think that 2009 was a crapshoot (or would that be, crapchute, crapshoute? what the crap? How do you spell chute? Chutes and Ladders…Ack. Whatever.) isn’t pessimism. Just an assessment, really. I can still have optimism about 2010. (When I wrote that, I accidentally wrote 2019. Please don’t let good things (aka financial security) take that long.)

-Even if there are some people who are all, “I don’t want to read about your problems, if you write a day to day rundown of your life I’m bored! Don’t people know how to get over crap? You think about stuff too much.” Others are more, “I want to hear what’s going on with you!” And those first people don’t have to read this. And to those second people, thank you. Thank you very much.

-I’m not one of those people who does things unapologeticically. I thought I wanted to be one. You know, I do whatever I want and say DEAL WITH IT, EVERYONE ELSE! But that’s not me. I think about people, I want to make people happy. Even people that…errr…aren’t that important to me. But you know what? That’s cool. I’ve decided that that quality can stay. But I also want to combine what I can “thoughtfulness” with a new kind of boldness. I want to be able to say…to the kid who tackled MY KID (or at least his mother) “Say you’re sorry. Right now.” I want to still consider the people around me, but also just make the decisions that are best for me and my family without caring what judgment ensues.

So there ya are. Some things that have been crossing my mind that are making me feel all firey and like I’m actually going to do something. Or have something to say this evening.

And here, by the way, is my favorite Christmas card this year. When I got it I thought to myself, “Now here’s a card just for me.” And it lifted my spirits. (That’s her husband’s ear in the picture, by the way. She’s in it as well, you just can’t see her.) The funny thing? I met her through this blog! Or I found hers through someone else’s…or something. How did we meet, anyway? But the point is, we’ve NEVER MET IN PERSON. Blogging is a waste of my time? I think NOT. I have quite a lot of people that I’ve gathered strength from, in blog format. So keep going ladies. I read you.

Anyway, the card:

Christmas 067

HAPPY 2010, people. Happy.

Posted in Friends, Holiday!, Mommy Upkeep | 1 Comment »

December Never Felt So Long*

Monday, December 28th, 2009

So here I am, posting again. Mostly because I feel like if I don’t just sit down and do it I might not. I’ve been a bit down lately. A few days before Christmas some of our friends lost their baby just before she was born, and we’ve had the honor- and I do mean honor- of supporting their family through the different things that have happened since then. Then Christmas came and for other reasons, having nothing to do with our friends and their tragedy, it was sad. People visited and came from different states and it just wasn’t…really…that great. I just feel like there were a thousand things left unsaid. As a matter of fact, if I had it all to do over again I think I really would have just liked to sleep through the whole Christmas thing this year, which is a) sad, because I spent so much time trying to catch the Christmas Spirit and b) impossible, because I have a one year old that sleeps the bare minimum necessary for functioning. Add all that to the continuing lack of hearty employment (hearty= can pay more than just the bills), and then the fact that it’s time for John to go away to school for 10 days, and yes. I’m sad.

More than that, I want to kick 2009’s A#$. I really do. What was this year thinking? The ONE GOOD THING of this year was family. And I know that’s a lot, a real, real lot especially for people who don’t have one, or who have lost some. I am happily married to a man that cares more about my happiness and does more for it than I do, I have a beautiful son, and my parents love us and want us here, and show us that in their love and support every single day. But YO. EVERYTHING ELSE SUCKED. My health, John’s health, our money/employment circumstances, my attempts at higher HIGHER education, and if all that is crappy it’s hard to rise above, you know? Just hard. Anybody that comes at me with drama the past year has usually been met with some rolled eyes and a “Ok, you’re going to try and make this worse? Back off, buddy.” I’ve had no patience, and at times no real compassion. I don’t know what melted in me that allowed me the emotion to be there for my friends this past few weeks, but it’s a first for me in awhile. I just haven’t had enough to give to others lately, but I’m really glad to have been able to be there for them. I don’t think they’ll ever realize what I’ve learned from their strength and determination and just…big-heartedness. Made me want a bigger heart, too.

So yeah. I’m not sure what else to say. I haven’t blogged because I don’t want to be a whiner, but you know what? Life is hard. Sometimes it’s gritty and sad and sometimes you never get to put together that gingerbread house during Christmas because you’re too busy visiting with people who just need people near them and sleeping off tearfulness and wondering what has happened to another someone to make them change so much. Sure, it’d be great if I had a million smiley pictures from this Christmas, but I don’t. And while it’s been the hardest one I think in my personal history, I think I finally learned that Christmas isn’t about the smiling pictures and the presents, it’s about Jesus Christ and the fact that my friends will see their baby again one day. And that whatever is going wrong in the lives of people I love, or in my life, it can be fixed. Atoned for. And while I’ve striven for that “At-one-ment” with God this Christmas season, I haven’t found it. I’m mad, actually. (Again, the reason I haven’t blogged. “Because Ho Ho Ho I’m mad at God” or at the very least “My faith is struggling” doesn’t really ring any bells.) I wish I could know just for ONE MINUTE what He was thinking. Why life has to be so hard. Sometimes I wonder if he even really, really cares about our day to day happiness. If he’s simply focused on our long-term well-being.

But then I know that He weeps when we do. And that our deepest sorrows are deeper for Him. And there has to be a time for change, and if I feel sadness now, maybe one day soon I’ll feel joy. Or maybe it’s all just mixed into every day? Maybe? A little bit of both.

I don’t know. But I do know that I’m tired, and I think it’s time for bed.

*Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson, Winter Song

Posted in Day to day | 2 Comments »

Not Yet

Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

I was going to write a post tonight, but I’m not ready yet. So hold tight folks, and when I have a second to think through things a little more I’ll share some things I’ve learned the last week or so. As for now, more sleep I think. But not for my poor husband trapped in a power outage at work. Apparently b/c he was there when it started, he’s got to see it out.

No fun.

Posted in Day to day | No Comments »

Sad

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

Something tragic happened to some of our friends yesterday, they found out some news that changed everything. I’ve spent the day in the hospital waiting with them. Waiting for it all to start and finish. I won’t go into details, as they aren’t my details to share, but tonight I feel heavy and pray that their current struggle will progress so that they can start to figure life out again. I would never pretend to know what they are going through, I just pray that I can be a good enough friend for them right now. I’m just mad that I got tired and had to come home. Luckily, we have quite the support system around here, and even friends from far away are sharing their love and prayers with them.

As for now, goodnight.

Posted in Day to day | Comments Off

I had to Google “leek,” but I think it turned out pretty well.

Friday, December 18th, 2009

Tonight I made homemade potato soup. Julia CHILD’s potato soup. Also known as Potage Parmentier. And you better believe I just said that “po-tadje par-men-tee-ay.” (I didn’t take French in high school.) I was surprised that it turned out really good! I was only slightly inspired by the movie Julie and Julia, and more inspired by the book which I find funnier. Really, I was just inspired by the fact that I like soup. A lot.

***

Welcome to the fact that I started that post yesterday and am JUST NOW getting to it again. I think I’m realizing, slowly, that I had a serious misconception about the work that my kid would be as he got older. I thought the amount of attention he’d need peaked when he was a newborn; all the nighttime feedings, the crying and the inability to amuse himself. Well, turns out as they get older they require even MORE attention. They want to TELL you stuff, and PLAY with you, and if you leave them for even a second to do laundry or something they can put themselves in mortal danger. He has also started waking up at 6am again, which isn’t so bad. I know. But when you’ve gotten to sleep in to like 7:30 for a few weeks, 6am is REALLY depressing. This morning I totally missed my shower window (as in the time before John leaves) because I spent half an hour trying to convince Camper it was still sleepy time. This involved me bumbling around in the dark to get him a drink of water and then cuddling in the chair trying to model the kind of behavior I would like to seem emulated at such an early hour. So I guess I’ll wait until naptime for a shower.

Does anyone else have a serious problem deciding between a nap and a shower when they lay their baby down for their nap?

Yeah. That’s pretty much a constant and difficult daily decision for me.

Tags: blah, soup
Posted in All About Baby, Day to day | No Comments »

Just awesome. (Sarcastic.)

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

So I’m sitting here listening to my child cry. No, SCREAM. It seems after months of going to bed when we lay him down (happily I might add, with a smile and sometimes a wave and a wiggle-in showing his appreciation of blankets) he’s decided that he HATES going to bed. Naptimes have been all messed up, sometimes two a day, sometimes one. Sometimes he totals two hours of sleep during the day, sometimes four. Sometimes he wakes up at 5am, sometimes at 8am. We’re in a flux. And it’s not fun. And I have no idea what to do. So here I sit, after John and I both went up twice with cuddling and singing and reading books, listening to my child cry like he’s never cried before. What sucks even more is that I have to wonder if my parents think we should just go HOLD him already- even though they pretty much understand that sometimes we have to let him cry. But it has to suck to be the grandparent in this case. I’m pretty sure.

Still crying, just so you know.

Today was pretty…interesting. I go through cycles of super activity and getting things done and staying on top of keeping the floors clean (a full time job, I swear) for my child who LIVES ON THE FLOOR. Those cycles are inevitably followed by a “What the crap, is this my job? the floor won’t stay clean ANY ONE WHO HAS BEEN OUTSIDE MUST NOW STAY THERE THE END and is there really more laundry to do what am I supposed to do without a car my kid is bored and I can’t in good conscience let him watch any more TV and what is AN HELP MEET anyway?” So yeah. Today was that second kind of day. (And for the record, I don’t find staying home with my child is synonymous with “help meet.” I kind of think John and I are each other’s help meets. We just have different roles right now. And with that, I stop saying help meet. Because it annoys me.)

Kid still crying. Now it’s morphed into a low, demon-like growl/bark combined with piteous whining in between. If he hadn’t of prolonged his bedtime for a week now, I’d just go hold him already. But yo, it’s been like a week. A week of no relaxing evenings. A week of holding the kid on and off for two hours while he tries to play and then listening to him cry. He’s got to figure out bedtime again. Please stop crying soon.

So ANYWAY, back to this morning. When it was 10am and my child was already bored, I knew I was in trouble. He didn’t have the patience to wait through me getting ready and making myself presentable to actually GO somewhere…he’d want to nap before I got done with that. And I couldn’t just take him outside because it was all drizzly. So I was sitting in the living room weight the brain damage ONE MORE Blue’s Clues would do when my Mother swooped in and asked if she could take him out to get some Christmas cards and some lunch. I was like, “Er, YES!” and then instead of even cleaning stuff while she was gone, I got back into bed and just laid there. I might have slept, I might not have. I did some thinking, the kind when you release control over your brain and just let it think and you don’t even think about what you’re thinking about you just let it go and then you don’t remember what you thought about afterward. And the rest of the day felt better, lighter somehow. La La and Camper got home, she put him down for a nap, I went to teach piano, came home and taught more piano, and now I’m listening to my child scream.

Still.

So I couldn’t stand it anymore. I went up to try and comfort the sobbing child and there he is standing in his crib signing for food.

A packet and a half of oatmeal and a banana later I am a horrible mother. Sheesh. “My child won’t go to bed whine whine whine whine,” and he was just hungry.

Turns out that this has been an awesome day. And now he’s in his bed not crying, knock on wood. He’s still talking, which probably means he’s going to poop soon, or has pooped. But at least he’s not crying. I’ll go up with another diaper in a second.

*I guess I should tell you the good part of my day (aside from when my mother lovingly cared for my child while I had small mental meltdown) that in making my piano rounds I was given a beautiful Poinsettia plant (very Holiday-ish, very nice) and Camper was given a very nice gift, as well. It was so sweet of them to think of us! Makes me feel like I should bring gifts, back. Maybe I’ll get John to make cookies.

Tags: blah
Posted in All About Baby, Day to day | 1 Comment »

Oh How Not Interesting I Am

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

I haven’t been really feeling posty again. John’s schedule has been really weird lately- 12 hour days followed by 3 hour days- mix that in with snow and feeling a little overwhelmed by life (registering the car in the state in which we reside ended up costing about $800 bucks. Rock on! failed inspection and resultant new tires and breaks! Ok…I’m glad we’re safer. But YO.) and I’ve not been wanting to post about my grumblings. Mostly I’ve been cuddling my baby, laughing with my Mom and Dad, hanging out with my husband (who has now passed ALL the teacher exams and received his license, did I tell you that? Now a JOB would be good!) and trying to keep things clean and orderly around here. I was lost in laundry for about two weeks, but got it done yesterday. Maybe I won’t have to do any tomorrow. See how exciting life has been? Well anyway…here are some pictures. To be more interesting than my drivel.

December 2009 041

Baby in snow! Getting him in his snow clothes was possibly the most annoying thing I’ve ever done, especially since he was overheated and freaking out before I even got his boots on him. Sigh. Maybe I’ll get him dressed in the breezeway next time.

December 2009 058

Hey look, a mess of toys! With Christmas coming up, what are we to do!?!? (We’ve started getting Camper gifts in the mail from friends and relatives, thank you cards forthcoming. It’s so exciting! :)

December 2009 060

TA DA! I love this thing. I looked everywhere for one I liked, and finally found this one. It’s Step 2 and even has a book shelf.

December 2009 069

And, as you can see, it’s very accommodating.

Later kids, my child just woke up.

Posted in All About Baby, Day to day | No Comments »

Yup. He said that.

Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Scene: My living room. Blue’s Clues playing quietly in the background, Camper playing with his Nativity and some trucks in the hallway area. It’s quiet and nice, and my mother and I have just finished talking about something when we hear:

“Numb Nuts!”

Yes. My one year old said numb nuts. I’m really not sure if it was just a combination of sounds that just happened to mean something to us, or if he was actually mimicking someone, but I’ve never heard anyone in my family say that. I don’t think anyway.

Sigh.

Tags: ack, not good
Posted in All About Baby | 3 Comments »

Two Firsts

Saturday, December 5th, 2009

My boy walked around tonight. He was WALKING. We’ve been waiting SO LONG for this. He started walking later than the other babies his age that we know…and although he took his first steps in October (at 13 months) he refused to walk more than 2 or three steps at a time without holding on to something. We saw a lot of this:

Holidays 035

I even take that thing outside sometimes or to church so that he’ll walk around instead of crawling.

But tonight he just started walking around. From me to my mother to John to me, to my Dad, to the chair, to the couch. He would walk then stop, then walk, then turn, then clap, then walk. you could tell he was so proud of himself and I was mesmerized by the sight of his little body. His legs were strong underneath him, he could wave his arms and keep his balance. He would wave at us as he walked towards us, and when he fell he caught himself before his face hit the ground. I watched him for half an hour then we put him to bed, and then I cried. Big baby. John just hugged me and said, “He’ll always need you.”

I just hope it’s true.

He also went out into the snow today. He looked at the sky and blinked as the snow collected on his eyelashes, and squinched up his nose. He stood in the middle of the yard and just looked around. And his coat is too big. But it was very cute.

And now I’m tired.

Tags: firsts
Posted in All About Baby | 1 Comment »

Shred Shred Shreddiness, Shredtastity

Friday, December 4th, 2009

On the third day of the 30 Day Shred. I can move my body again today. The workout isn’t even that hard- kind of old school- actually. But I have officially started the “I will not be the fattest bridesmaid” intensive workout program. (Emily’s getting married!)(!!!!)

My child is one year old. I have no excuse to be carrying around (insert specific number that I will not tell you) extra lbs. with me. The year I got pregnant I listed “be healthy” as one of my goals for the year. And that was the year that I gained a million pounds (that’s a lot of pounds to gain for an 8 pound kid!) and found out that I have a chronic illness. Well I am taking my body BACK now. Not being able to control my illness makes me want to control the aspects of health that I CAN control. Which is endurance, stamina, strength, etc. So here goes it. The DVD arrived and within the hour I was doing it. I’m going to do it every day for 30 days. No breaks. The breaks are what kills me. I take a day off, and the next thing I know it’s been two months and I haven’t done a thing.

And in honor of my new workout plan- my loving father went to the store the other day and brought home Chocolate Silk Pie and a case of Doctor Pepper. Sigh. But EVEN WITH THAT I’ve still lost two pounds in two days- which means one thing. This Shred thing is crazy, yo. I mean, I couldn’t feel my right butt cheek for awhile there yesterday. But don’t worry. It’s back.

Speaking of my Dad…(that seems like a really weird thing to write about directly after a sentence about my butt cheek) I’ve actually been meaning to blog a bit about him. I think out of everyone he probably gets the least play this here blog. Here’s a list of reasons that he’s AWESOME:

1) He brings home silk pie, which even if I complain about it, it’s SO GOOD.

2) He spends a lot of time with Camper, and is easily Camper’s favorite friend.

3) When he gets home from work he takes Camper and watches Laurie Berkner music videos and sings to him. And he knows ALL the words.

4) He rarely goes out without bringing Camper back a dinosaur or a toy fish or something awesome for him to play with.

5) He teaches Camper things like how to hit himself in the head with an empty paper towel roll.

6) He ALWAYS rinses his plate before putting in the dishwasher. (Right, Dad? Hey, remember the time you put an entire dishwasher of dirty dishes away because you thought they were clean but they were just really well RINSED?”)

7) He’d pretty much do anything for anyone. Lawful things, of course.

8) He can keep a secret for the sake of a joke like a CHAMP. I did not inherit this trait.

9) He’s got really attractive feet. Mine are just like his.

10) He really, really likes his family being home. It’s nice that he wants us around. (Good thing we provided a Grandchild, no? ;) )

Tags: not sure, um
Posted in Day to day, Family | No Comments »

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