So here I am, posting again. Mostly because I feel like if I don’t just sit down and do it I might not. I’ve been a bit down lately. A few days before Christmas some of our friends lost their baby just before she was born, and we’ve had the honor- and I do mean honor- of supporting their family through the different things that have happened since then. Then Christmas came and for other reasons, having nothing to do with our friends and their tragedy, it was sad. People visited and came from different states and it just wasn’t…really…that great. I just feel like there were a thousand things left unsaid. As a matter of fact, if I had it all to do over again I think I really would have just liked to sleep through the whole Christmas thing this year, which is a) sad, because I spent so much time trying to catch the Christmas Spirit and b) impossible, because I have a one year old that sleeps the bare minimum necessary for functioning. Add all that to the continuing lack of hearty employment (hearty= can pay more than just the bills), and then the fact that it’s time for John to go away to school for 10 days, and yes. I’m sad.
More than that, I want to kick 2009′s A#$. I really do. What was this year thinking? The ONE GOOD THING of this year was family. And I know that’s a lot, a real, real lot especially for people who don’t have one, or who have lost some. I am happily married to a man that cares more about my happiness and does more for it than I do, I have a beautiful son, and my parents love us and want us here, and show us that in their love and support every single day. But YO. EVERYTHING ELSE SUCKED. My health, John’s health, our money/employment circumstances, my attempts at higher HIGHER education, and if all that is crappy it’s hard to rise above, you know? Just hard. Anybody that comes at me with drama the past year has usually been met with some rolled eyes and a “Ok, you’re going to try and make this worse? Back off, buddy.” I’ve had no patience, and at times no real compassion. I don’t know what melted in me that allowed me the emotion to be there for my friends this past few weeks, but it’s a first for me in awhile. I just haven’t had enough to give to others lately, but I’m really glad to have been able to be there for them. I don’t think they’ll ever realize what I’ve learned from their strength and determination and just…big-heartedness. Made me want a bigger heart, too.
So yeah. I’m not sure what else to say. I haven’t blogged because I don’t want to be a whiner, but you know what? Life is hard. Sometimes it’s gritty and sad and sometimes you never get to put together that gingerbread house during Christmas because you’re too busy visiting with people who just need people near them and sleeping off tearfulness and wondering what has happened to another someone to make them change so much. Sure, it’d be great if I had a million smiley pictures from this Christmas, but I don’t. And while it’s been the hardest one I think in my personal history, I think I finally learned that Christmas isn’t about the smiling pictures and the presents, it’s about Jesus Christ and the fact that my friends will see their baby again one day. And that whatever is going wrong in the lives of people I love, or in my life, it can be fixed. Atoned for. And while I’ve striven for that “At-one-ment” with God this Christmas season, I haven’t found it. I’m mad, actually. (Again, the reason I haven’t blogged. “Because Ho Ho Ho I’m mad at God” or at the very least “My faith is struggling” doesn’t really ring any bells.) I wish I could know just for ONE MINUTE what He was thinking. Why life has to be so hard. Sometimes I wonder if he even really, really cares about our day to day happiness. If he’s simply focused on our long-term well-being.
But then I know that He weeps when we do. And that our deepest sorrows are deeper for Him. And there has to be a time for change, and if I feel sadness now, maybe one day soon I’ll feel joy. Or maybe it’s all just mixed into every day? Maybe? A little bit of both.
I don’t know. But I do know that I’m tired, and I think it’s time for bed.
*Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson, Winter Song
my faith is struggling too. despite all the good in my life. and the fact that I did get to put together a gingerbread house. in fact, i haven’t been in this foul of a mood for this long in…i don’t know how long.
i’m so sad for your friends. unspeakable.
and i’m hoping to feel a little hope and joy in the new year, and a little less lost and mad.
i can not even BEGIN to put in to words how sad i am for your friends. thank God for you, and your family, and (i’m sure) all their other friends and family, for rallying around them and supporting them.
and Ho Ho Ho I’m Mad at God might not SEEM like a perfect christmas sentiment, but i think it would resonate with a whole lot of people. like me. ;-)
hang in there, erin! i miss your blogs!
[...] I can truly say that most of the last two years, in fact, have been a seemingly never-ending trial of my faith. Battling sickness, underemployment, and a deep feeling of loss and fear at all the things that [...]