Darnnit. I wonder if it would work for me?
Archive for January, 2010
I want Relish.
Friday, January 29th, 2010STOP TACKLING MY KID PEOPLE
Friday, January 29th, 2010So yeah. Music Together. Remember how I super gushed about all the cute babies, mostly still crawling, all playing together so perfectly and the super nice moms there, too? Well. We have a new group now. Everyone is nice enough, I guess. But the moms are…already friends with each other. (And super rich and skinny whatever) and their kids are bigger. Two weeks in a row Camper got flattened by a little boy who simply doesn’t watch where he’s going. He was crying and freaking out and the kid was all, “See ya, annoying baby!” Then yesterday a certain amorous toddler decided that she was going to hug all the kids, and while I was busy doing Sea Shells with another Mom the toddler flattened Camper so bad that the mom who got there first actually checked his teeth (to see if they got broken, I guess, or if he bite himself.) And honestly, my kid doesn’t cry that much when he gets hurt. But he does when another kid is involved. So yeah, is this normal? Do I just have to wait for him to be bigger and then teach him to defend himself?
What broke my heart even more than outright violence, however, was when Camper saw a little baby girl standing next to him and smiled at her and then held out his hand for her to take it if she wanted to. He didn’t even grab her hand! Just held his out, and she just walked away, miffed.
A whole new brand of heartbreak for the mommy.
Whatever, he is too good for her anyway ;)
But other than the new social drama, I’m still enjoying it. I love seeing him pretend to be a train walking around with the group, participating even more now. Following the grownups motions and singing along. He even puts the instruments away when it’s time, putting them in the right bin then waving “Bye bye” to them without crying. Good kid.
I took him to the doctor on Monday- he had to get a couple of vaccinations that he couldn’t get before because of my medications (I would get sick because of the live virus) and turns out, he still couldn’t get the chicken pox one. They’re freaked that I’ll get shingles, which I don’t think would be very fun. At all. But the doctor came in to check him out and he FREAKED OUT. As soon as he saw her he let loose, and she actually had to call in a couple of nurses to help us, and that was just so she could LISTEN TO HIS BREATH SOUNDS. When she did the shots he COULD get I held him on my lap, nurses held down his legs and the doctor administered the shots. Then I got a shot, too (on the DL, I haven’t been able to get this particular one anywhere else, so they gave it to me) he cried for me, too. Poor baby. The doctor said, and I quote,
“How old is he? 16 months? He is so strong.” My first thought: try changing his diaper. My second thought: baby tacklers beware. When he realizes he can tackle back, you gonna be in TRACTION.
He wore this hat for a couple of hours. He brought it to me and said, “HAT-AH” and then refused to take it off.
Twas cute.
Letter of Intent
Monday, January 25th, 2010Dear College of My Consideration:
You asked me to write a letter of intent. This is something I’ve done a few times since getting my BA, but not something I’ve really ever felt like I’ve done well enough. I wrote letters for the last few programs I thought I’d enjoy, and even my lackluster enthusiasm got me past the gatekeepers and to a point where I had to decide that a) communications and b) full time on campus programs were not going to work. I don’t want this letter to be like that, because for the first time, I feel REAL enthusiasm. The makings of a definite plan, even.
If you would have asked me what letters like this sounded like when I was first applying for school I wouldn’t have an answer. I honestly don’t know. I thought I wanted to be an English teacher. When I got to school and started taking classes I went from an English major to International Studies to Philosophy, where I found my niche. Kind of. I was on the periphery of all the programs, never quite taking the same classes as everyone else. Never thinking of my education as part of some long-term goal that I had set up before I started. That evolved later, after I had gone to England and come home again. That’s when I realized that if I was going to teach the things I had been learning it would have to be in college. I wouldn’t be able to certify to teach high school as philosophy or religion major. But it still didn’t feel quite right. I had done well in school, really well. But I still wasn’t sure what my INTENTS were. I still didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I decided on grad school and just tried to get my BA finished. I did finish it, but I also got married and had a son in the meantime.
I always remember people saying, “You can be whatever you want to be.” And that’s true, for a certain amount of time in your life. There is a time that you can achieve whatever you want to because all you have to focus on is you. You are your only consideration, you are your only liability. You can do whatever you focus on, you can become whatever you are willing to work hard enough to be. But then there comes a time in life when other people begin to depend on you. You get married, you have a child. And then it’s less about what you WANT to be and more about what you HAVE to be. It requires some sacrifice. But then, all good things do, I think.
I have to be a good wife and mother, and to me, that includes staying at home with my kiddo where possible.
I have to be productive.
I have to be thinking.
I have to be ready to earn a living wage, although my husband is willing to support my fervent desire to stay at home with our children, I have to be ready to help should we need it.
I have to have something to do when kindergarten starts or God forbid…when I have a teenager who needs me to have my own life so that I don’t haunt his.
I have to have people to focus on and help other than myself and my family.
I have to have a place to go where people expect something of me that I don’t always want to give.
I have to work, for sanity and for…er…our bank account.
This program would allow me to stay at home with my son while earning a master’s degree from a real University, one I respect and admire and wish I could wake up every day and go to. It would help me prepare for and take exams that would place me in a good position to teach History (after a few pre-reqs are satisfied, of course. Thank goodness for my undergraduate meanderings. I have tons of History credits.) To have all of those things I mentioned above. I know that I can do this, and that I will become a teacher. I may never make a million dollars, but my family and I will be ok. I will be able to take some of the burden off my husband someday. I will contribute.
So yes. These are my new and decided-upon intentions.
Now to make this into a more comprehensible and professional letter.
Sincerely,
Erin Hattaway
Sludgy footprints.
Saturday, January 23rd, 2010
I don’t know how to fix it, so I shall blog.
Friday, January 22nd, 2010SOOOOOO, they other day I cried. (BIG SURPRISE?!?) I got up, saw the laundry and the dishes that magically appeared in the sink every time I turned around and a dust bunny floated down the hallway on the lofty wings of forced-air heating, and I just cried. I’ve thought about hiring a cleaning lady, but a) BROKE and b) I don’t think cleaning ladies hire cleaning ladies. And no, I’m not a cleaning lady (what is that actual job title, anyway?) but as the mother of a 16 month old, a small person who simultaneously creates and tries to eat messes, it’s basically the same thing.
So yeah. And then the last couple of days have been just BLAH. It’s like I’m running on a cleanliness/organization treadmill and it’s going faster than my legs can go and for a few minutes I’m all “CHECK ME OUT I’M FLYING I CAN DO THIS WEEEEEE” and then I’m flat on my back with my legs up a wall staring at the ceiling wondering what happened.
I remember a time when I’d wake up and my priority and plans were to clean myself up, gather the appropriate belongings and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I like…HAD to go. There was stuff out here I had to do. I knew that staying home with a kid would require a lot of staying home, but I guess I didn’t realize the effect it would have on my OCD and my inability to keep my emotional smack together. Because when I left the house daily (still a goal, but not achievable due to car situation, child situation etc.) I had a focus other than just the cleanliness of my house. I had other things that I achieved.
I actually DID stuff. FINISHED it. Felt good, patted myself on the back. Way to go Erin. Today, however, even as I vacuumed with the smallest most quiet vacuum in the house (vacuums freak Camper out) he was trailing along behind me dropping organic bunny cereal on the carpet. I just got all the laundry done and the baskets are already full. I get the dishes in the dishwasher but then there are more. You get it. And you might be saying, “What’s your problem again? You don’t like housework? I’ll alert the media.”
But it’s not that. I actually DO like housework. This is bigger than that, somehow. It’s something about how the work I’m doing has changed from small, attainable projects to LONGER term things. Like giving up my specific educational goals to have the time to raise a healthy, happy child. Like keeping my family as happy as we can be considering LIFE. Like cleaning up little messes all the livelong day of every week of every month since I had this child. And yes, I am working on school again. But no, it’s not even CLOSE to the original plan I had. A plan that I’m actually happy to trade for motherhood and all that goes with it. Happy most of the time, anyway.
Again, WHINER. I have a healthy child. I have HELP. LOTS OF HELP. I guess right now I’m a Mom. And all of this goes with it? Yeah?
Yeah. If you’ll excuse me, the washer is off balance.
La La Ti Da.
Tuesday, January 19th, 2010When I went to log in to my blog I started to type “NaturalSceptre.com.” Wow. I haven’t had that URL in over a year, or more. All hail Mary Wollstonecraft. The coolest original feminist that was into gender roles. A FEMINIST INTO GENDER ROLES. I know. Awesomeness.
Also, I hate updating my plugins. HATE.
I went to vote today. I had to parallel park and I did NOT get a sticker. And I felt judged because I was the only “D” on my WHOLE STREET. I saw the list and I read fast. And it was double spaced so REALLY easy to read upsidedown. And also I was not wearing tapered jeans.
And also my math teacher from my senior year was checking people in. But she was checking people in sector 2 and I was sector 1 or somethinglikethat and I didn’t get to talk to her. She stayed after school with me every single day in Trig so that I could get an A in her class. I wasn’t in danger of failing I was just anal and she stayed after with me anyway. All hail her.
And John got me a new book today. And he also DVR’d a new series on TV that he thought I might like and I SUPER FREAKING LOVED IT when I got a chance to watch it this morning.
And I still love Chuck and all things Chuck. My baby can say “Chuck” and John and I have discussed the fact that although Chucks hair is different (AKA worse) this season the show is still pretty good.
The End.
Good Monday Morning, Everyone
Monday, January 18th, 2010I’m pretty tired. Who knows why, really? I mean, I probably get enough sleep. I had a wonderful TWO HOUR NAP yesterday. I have lots of help. But I’m still tired. The human condition, maybe? The consequence of knowing that whether or not you want to sleep in there is a small person in the next room who will become hysterical if someone doesn’t wake up and get him out of his crib? Yup. Tis my life.
This past week was…blurry? I don’t really remember what we did. I know that I was in the house a lot, everyone was back to work (first, or second week?) I taught some piano, and started WW again. So far the numbers on the scale are going down as I expected them to. The first weight is always the easiest, like we’ve all got a reserve of weight that is just waiting for all the Christmas fudge to be gone and then it’ll just disappear without a fight. It’ll be the last 10 lbs. that give me hell. I know it. But I’m ready, and moreover, this time I’m resigned to the fact that I CAN NOT QUIT Weight Watchers.
Hello, my name is Erin and I’m a foodaholic.
It’s amazing that I’m only plump and not full out obese. I LOVE TO EAT. John reminded me that “I love to eat” was one of the first things I said to him on our first date. It’s true, but that love has always been tempered by walking around college campuses, gym memberships and crew teams. It’s also been tempered by the fact that when I had a meal, I had a MEAL. But I wouldn’t eat all day long or anything. Who has the time? Well now I do, actually. I am the caretaker of a small being who EATS 6 TIMES A DAY. Every time I turn around he’s signing “Eat.” And so we eat. Well, now he eats and I think about eating as much as possible for the points I’ve been allotted. That stupid points system seems to replace whatever in my brain neglects to tell me “You’re full and you don’t need anymore food now.”
So yeah. Another week. Let’s see how this one goes.
Butt Pressing AKA and then I ate half a grinder.
Thursday, January 14th, 2010SO. Today was a bit of a loooonnnnggg day. It began with me going to Music Together and feeling frumpy next to the rich mommies (somehow I got into a group of uber rich mommies this time?) and then trying to nap and failing because I was still all upset from the book I finished last night and life in general (another story altogether) and then there was crying and John comforting me and my mom taking me to the fabric store so I could get out of the house sans child. Then there was the husband on his day off who was totally neglected by me and I went to music, went out with my mom, and then taught piano all evening. Then there was the child who for two days has wanted nothing but to sit with me. And today he did not get to. And then there was the pretending that it doesn’t break my heart to see him melt down when I don’t hold him.
But all of that, while interesting, is not what I’m writing about tonight. No, tonight I’m writing about Billy Blanks and my first Tae Bo experience. One of my friendstudents (as in a piano student/friend) brought over a workout DVD for us to do after the lesson. She and I went into my basement amid the exercise machines and quilting supplies and learned to punch and kick. And even as I’m writing this, the funniness is failing me by oh.my.gosh you have never seen anything so hysterical in your life. We only did the INSTRUCTION video and I we were all, “Wait…the different between kick 6 and 7 is…what?” and then “FIVE!” “FIVE!” Also, Billy is both lovable and a little…er…less than on top of his own verbiage. Sometimes I swear he had us yelling the wrong numbers and other times he said things like, “Now you’ll make 8 multiplication signs” or some other mathematical symbol, when in reality it only worked out to 4. Was there no editor for this DVD?
The highlight of the workout was when it ended and we then did some freaky Tai Chi stuff for like ANOTHER HOUR including randomly holding each other’s feet in front of our faces and standing back to back (BUTT PRESSING) and wiggling our arms around. Honestly, it was a good way to end the day. And I’m glad I didn’t have to use a chair. Thanks for coming over, Erin. Next week we’ll definitely do the actual workout segment of the video.
And honestly, it was much funnier in person. Although no DVD will ever compare to the SUPERMAN! BANANA! of P90X.
(Oh yeah, and I’m just getting to my grinder AKA dinner now. Sad.)
Oh and PS: One of the more interesting convos we had during the workout was about why it was cute when Billy said things that were grammatically incorrect, or just incorrect in general…and yet we detest the same habit in George Bush. We decided that perhaps that while Billy was simply trying to teach us to communicate with our bodies, Bush had to communicate with people with BIG BOMBS and worldwide influence. You know. Stuff like that.
Dear Friends and Family
Wednesday, January 13th, 2010Over Christmas my friends Mike & Jenn lost their baby. They had endured many fertility treatments to get pregnant (over a series of many years) and their baby girl died two days before birth. I haven’t shared a lot about what went on because it hasn’t been mine to share, but at the baby’s memorial service Mike & Jenn wrote a letter to be read (by John, actually) sharing their thoughts. I didn’t know what to expect from the letter, but as John read it I was overwhelmed by the big-heartedness of my friends. I asked Jenn and she said that I could post their letter here. If you know anyone who has lost a child in any way, I think a lot of these sentiments could apply. None of us ever mean to do the wrong thing, but I was glad to receive advice first from the nurses helping at the hospital and then from Mike and Jenn themselves. Their ability to provide us with such a clear picture of what we could do for them as friends was so amazing, and I’m glad to be able to post it here.
Dear Friends and Family,
We want to express how much we have been touched by every-one’s compassion. This is not the way we expected the last two weeks to have been. We know that the Lord has plans for Samantha, and while we grieve for her loss, we are at peace with the Lord’s plan. We look forward to the day we get to see Samantha again.
We can not express enough how much we appreciate all the love and support we have received. The hospital staff were all wonderful. They were gentle and kind the whole time we were there. The doctors who had such a hard task of breaking the news and helping me through labor were beyond belief. We both feel that without all of their assistance we wouldn’t have been able to endure the whole hospital experience.
All of the prayers and thoughts we have received have not gone unnoticed, either. We know that some many people love and care for us. We are in awe how we’ve only lived here a little over 2 years and yet, we have had so much support from so many. Thank you for all that has been done to help us through this.
We know there are several who feel helpless and want to do something for us. We pray that those feelings are taken from you. There isn’t a whole lot that can be done. here are a few suggestions that we found in some of the books the hospital gave us (We are not saying that anyone hasn’t done some of these, but thought this would help make the situation easier for you and us.):
Realize that both of us are grieving. Dads are often the forgotten griever. Ask how we are both doing, not just one of us.
Realize that saying “I’m sorry” is enough.
Realize a new child will not replace Samantha, we will always miss her.
If you are uncomfortable about discussing the death of the child with us because you think we won’t want to talk about it, don’t shy away. Simply say something like, “I just want you to know that I want to listen if you need to talk.” If we don’t talk at that time don’t assume we will never want to talk.
Call frequently to ask how we are adjusting.
Continue to invite us to activities you would have normally invited us to. Let us set the pace, though. If we decline, don’t feel hurt.
Realize that Samantha is still a product of our love and the joy of our lives. There is joy and pain. The joy didn’t end when Samantha died and the pain will not end after this ceremony- accept both. Don’t try to take the pain away. We need to feel it, hard as it may be to see, we need to grieve.
We will still have hard times ahead. Our first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, Samantha’s first birthday. Please continue to pray for us during these times.
Again, we want to let everyone know how much love we have felt. We are grateful to all who have come to be with us today. Samantha had a short life, but we will never forget her.
Thank y’all.
Mike and Jenn
As I talked things over with Jenn she mentioned a few other things to think about.
First, and this deals with friends going through fertility treatments as well as parents who have lost a child, DO invite them to your baby shower/child’s birthday/baptism, etc. if you would have invited them before. Your invitation could be worded something like this:
I want to invite you to (whatever the event is.) I don’t where you with everything right now, but please know that we would love you to be there, and also understand if you can’t.
This admits that you don’t know whether they are in a hopeful place in their process, or if they are feeling angry or sad or just tired. It also doesn’t presume to know what’s best for that person, attending or not attending is up to them. The point is to make them feel loved and invited.
The worst thing you can say to parents who are struggling with infertility or have lost a child?
“Have you thought about adoption?”
I think this question is one that either comes out of a place of a personal need to interject some sort of a solution into their lives, or out of curiosity. Either way, it’s not the right thing to ask right now. YES. They’ve thought of adoption. And really, adoption is just as much of a process and fertility treatments. It’s not just about wanting to have a child naturally. It’s about being committed to a path that they’ve chosen. Both cost money and neither are 100% certain. Nowhere near 100%. One of the biggest things that couples going through infertility tire of hearing is how someone else you know adopted a child and later gave birth to a child, as well. Adoption is not a magic wand for couples going through infertility treatments. Just as many people adopt children and never have children naturally. One is not connected to another, and while it is amazing and a miracle that the couple you know went on to have other children (and the person going through infertility treatments would see that, and recognize that joy and that miracle, maybe more than you would) again…just not the thing to say right now.
This week I will…(along with all the other regular weekly things I need to do)
Sunday, January 10th, 2010-Sign up for WW again. Because I HAVE AN ISSUE. And I have a wedding to get ready for, people! (Not mine. Already did that.)
-EXERCISE. My friend/piano student is staying after her lesson Thursday so that we can guilt each other into doing some sort of video together. I will work out with John starting tomorrow night. It’s going to be AWESOME.
-Not drink ANY REGULAR SODA. Oh, how I love thee. And oh how you make me fat.
-Finish one book and start another. I’m reading Prep, which I love. And should be getting another book in the mail, soon.
-Read my scriptures every day. Try to understand God’s plan for me. (GrumbleGrumbleGrumbleSighGrumble.)
-Call my current graduate school interest to figure out what I need to do to get on board. I’ve had a chat with my admissions counselor once, and I might actually need to take a couple of classes to get up to speed on this one. But I want to start some grad school, yo.
And if I do all that, I think it’ll be a good week. Well, I hope it will be a good week regardless. But you get what I mean. And if this seems super boring well IT’S MY LIFE, and for some reason I’m more likely to accomplish things if I put it out there. So there ya go “out there.”
