SOOOOOO, they other day I cried. (BIG SURPRISE?!?) I got up, saw the laundry and the dishes that magically appeared in the sink every time I turned around and a dust bunny floated down the hallway on the lofty wings of forced-air heating, and I just cried. I’ve thought about hiring a cleaning lady, but a) BROKE and b) I don’t think cleaning ladies hire cleaning ladies. And no, I’m not a cleaning lady (what is that actual job title, anyway?) but as the mother of a 16 month old, a small person who simultaneously creates and tries to eat messes, it’s basically the same thing.
So yeah. And then the last couple of days have been just BLAH. It’s like I’m running on a cleanliness/organization treadmill and it’s going faster than my legs can go and for a few minutes I’m all “CHECK ME OUT I’M FLYING I CAN DO THIS WEEEEEE” and then I’m flat on my back with my legs up a wall staring at the ceiling wondering what happened.
I remember a time when I’d wake up and my priority and plans were to clean myself up, gather the appropriate belongings and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I like…HAD to go. There was stuff out here I had to do. I knew that staying home with a kid would require a lot of staying home, but I guess I didn’t realize the effect it would have on my OCD and my inability to keep my emotional smack together. Because when I left the house daily (still a goal, but not achievable due to car situation, child situation etc.) I had a focus other than just the cleanliness of my house. I had other things that I achieved.
I actually DID stuff. FINISHED it. Felt good, patted myself on the back. Way to go Erin. Today, however, even as I vacuumed with the smallest most quiet vacuum in the house (vacuums freak Camper out) he was trailing along behind me dropping organic bunny cereal on the carpet. I just got all the laundry done and the baskets are already full. I get the dishes in the dishwasher but then there are more. You get it. And you might be saying, “What’s your problem again? You don’t like housework? I’ll alert the media.”
But it’s not that. I actually DO like housework. This is bigger than that, somehow. It’s something about how the work I’m doing has changed from small, attainable projects to LONGER term things. Like giving up my specific educational goals to have the time to raise a healthy, happy child. Like keeping my family as happy as we can be considering LIFE. Like cleaning up little messes all the livelong day of every week of every month since I had this child. And yes, I am working on school again. But no, it’s not even CLOSE to the original plan I had. A plan that I’m actually happy to trade for motherhood and all that goes with it. Happy most of the time, anyway.
Again, WHINER. I have a healthy child. I have HELP. LOTS OF HELP. I guess right now I’m a Mom. And all of this goes with it? Yeah?
Yeah. If you’ll excuse me, the washer is off balance.
sometime even moms get a little off balance…but, just like the washer- easy to fix. Love ya! Mom
Erin,
Hang in there! I know how you feel & it’s not easy! If it makes you feel any better try having OCD about house cleaning because you could go into labor any day now & you’re petrified of coming home to a dirty house!!! And while you’re at it add a 17 month old to it!!! :D One of my friends calls it cdo instead of ocd because the letters should be in alphabetical order….I LOVE IT!!!!
Stacey
Oh Erin! BELIEVE ME, we all have days (okay, months-long-stretches) like this. Some ages are just easier to field as a mother, you know? For instance, I remember thinking 7-10 months was a dream, and 14 months-2 1/2 years was the long period of time where I thought I would pull my hair out every. single. day. I COULD NOT GET A GRIP ON ANYTHING. But seriously, it gets easier…Camper will get bigger, and better at entertaining himself (and “entertaining himself” won’t mean walking behind you dropping shit on your nice clean floors) and you will feel more in control of your life. Camper will start to talk more and you will delight in his every sentence (even those with the occasional swear word) and this will make life feel more tolerable, and less like living with a cave person. SPRING WILL COME AND WITH IT, WARM WEATHER. Getting out of the house in the sunshine is priceless, I KNOW. (40 kids on the playground in 46-degree–BUT SUNNY!–Washington weather the other day proves this point.) Anyway. Long rambling to tell you that I so totally feel you on this one, sister. Hang in there. You rock.
Willis,
I know how you feel, to a point I guess. Luckily, I don’t battle ocd to the degree that you do. However, try adding a constantly complaining Grandma who makes comments about how you mother, to your day. I have good days and bad days; days I get showered and dressed and days I am a bum. I have made a few goals for myself to help my mood while I am trapped indoors. I do one load of wash a day. This helps so it doesn’t pile up too much and I feel like I can handle it. I work on projects. Last week my project was reading like crazy, this week it is going through papers and getting more organized. A future week will be sewing. Another is online scrapbooking. I have recently enjoyed using shutterfly to make photo books. I think you would like it. Scrapbooking is fun but time consuming, expensive and it makes a mess to pull it all out and cut stuff up. Online you just upload pictures, make the book how you want and order it. Then a beautiful book arrives in the mail. Shutterfly has sales all the time (I have a coupon code if you are interested) and it is a good way to get those adorable pictures of your baby out of the digital world and in a nice book to keep. I sound like I should do commercials for them. Anyway I find if I keep myself busy, then I feel less grumpy and depressed. I am looking forward to nicer weather and being able to go for walks again. Yeah spring! I have to agree with the previous comments.I hope this helps, even if my advice is nothing new to you. Just try and take comfort that there is another mom, miles away going through similar struggles. Love and miss you!
Alicia