To be called a “good mother” is perhaps one of the more powerful motivating factor in any mom’s life. Even mothers who claim not to need that kind of validation do need it. But it seems to me, lately, that the definition of “good mom” is less the opposite of “bad mom” and more in contradiction to the “lazy mom.”
So really, when we are told “You’re such a good mom!” because of something we’ve done with our children, it’s because we look proactive, we’re doing something caring or loving or energetic that is above and beyond the call of duty to keep our children clean and fed and basically…away from mortal peril. So on the days when we make handicrafts and go for walks and then have a long string of pictures to put up on Facebook or er…a blog…and we are called “A Good Mom,” it feels good. Until the day we wake up and feel tired or trapped and turn on the TV and eat food out of cans all day and just mope. Then, although we probably STILL played with our kids all day and gave them love and attention, the lack of something to hang on the fridge or a picture to put online or cheerful story about the day means that we are a Bad. Mom. Lazy. Mom. And no one leaves a comment to that effect, but that’s what the lack of comments feels like.
I love it when people tell me, “You’re such a good mom!” in response to something I’ve done. But the majority of days goes by where I’m just doing my thing, hoping I’m doing ok. And the thing is, even on the days when my kid gets chicken nuggets for every meal and when I spend most of the day on the couch watching things on the DVR, or when I check out mentally and let someone else (i.e. John) handle the child’s needs I STILL know I’m a good mom. But what can I put on Facebook to prove it?
Sidenote: not everything I put on Facebook is to that effect, mostly it’s to let people see how my child has grown, keep up with people I miss, show the cute things he does. But I’ll admit it, sometimes I brag. And I want people to NOTICE WHAT I DO ALL DAY. You do the same thing, admit it.
When I went to school I got grades, I got feedback from professors, I was told that I had talent and that I was smart. I was something special. When I worked I got things done. I accomplished goals and made people laugh. People liked to be around me because we had fun. I liked to be around people because they were fun. I added something to the mix. I wonder if this is why we’ve had a SAHMblogsplosion. We’ve got a new generation of Moms that have been to school, been out in the workforce and are either still there WHILE being a full-time parent or have chosen to stay at home. And we all need validation, dammit. (And just to clarify, I get plenty. I’m just pondering.)
When I think about my Mom’s Mom, I don’t picture her as needing ANY kind of validation at all. She raised all her children (a LOT of children) she cooked and cleaned and warned her grandchildren of the dangers of eating too many strawberries from the garden. What made her so different from me? Why could she go about her day, DAYS, and just do what needed to be done, enjoy what she enjoyed, make the choices that she could make and get on with it. Did she obsess with other moms about which milk to use or the benefits of reading books with her children or about what kind of soap to chose? I’m guessing she did not. But maybe she did. Maybe she received validation in ways I didn’t see or pay attention to. Maybe she spent time wanting it. Is it the internet that has allowed us to draw out every aspect of motherhood in deliberation, or is it this new generation of moms? Or did my grandmothers do it too, we just don’t have an internet record of it, so it doesn’t seem like it actually happened?
I really wonder about this stuff. And more than that, I wonder what Good Moms did on Lazy Mom days when they didn’t have DVRs. Hmmmm…..
Erin, I am very sure that Gramma needed validation, in her own way. It was just different for her because the biggest thing for her was not comments made on a blog, but by the people around her. I do remember how important it was to her that we did not look like a bad family. She took it personally if one of us were to get into some sort of trouble, which did happen, of course. I do not think she had the options to worry about what the best food was for our growing bodies, she had to worry about having enough food to feed us all. The reason that we went to church was because of her, the same with school. She knew that was the right thing to do, period. I am sure she was as obsessed with things that were important to her as evey Mom is now, things were just different. And on “lazy days” my Mom would tell us, ok it is time for you kids to find somewhere to go, i have had it…..then she would go and drink tea with her Mother-in-law that lived right in the same neighborhood. Or she would go and visit other Moms and plot how to make the kids stay out of the cookie’s they had made that day………..and gossip, or look at the new sears catalog. Simple times, I too wonder how she would navigate this life we lead, I am sure she would embrace the blogs, the Tv shows to keep kids busy, and perhaps even get her own drivers license. Love ya P
I know how you feel. I like to think, when there are no comments left on the blog, that everyone who might have perused it still found something to ponder (or relate to) even if they didn’t say so. And I, for one, have more than my fair share of ‘not-so-hot-Mommy’ days. Believe me!!
This is such a good point. I THRIVE on validation. If I post something that barely gets any comments, I start to doubt myself and that frustrates me! What happened to my writing just being an expression of myself rather than an offering to the comment gods? I think I’m slowly…so slowly…learning to not worry about it so much. But the part about wondering how our grandmothers did this job without any validation or feedback (or parenting books, for cripes sake!) makes me wonder too. Were their lives more or less fulfilled than ours? Are we too crammed full of other information to really appreciate and know our kids?
Or is it truly beneficial to do ‘good mom’ things just so I can have something to blog about later…Does the motivation to be a good mom matter, as long as the outcome is good?
I hope it’s beneficial, cause some days? I don’t want feedback on my true level of lameness.
I am so glad I came over to read your post!! (I came from This Heavenly Life). I, too, love to have validation! I don’t mind if it’s verbal, written, or done behind my back, just as long as I know about it. I get so intimidated by moms that “have it all together”. My grandmother does facebook and I think she reads my blog on occasion, so she probably would have done them if available while raising her kids. She talks a lot to me about not having the option of worrying over which type of things, it was simply having enough of things.
Really great post. Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts!