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Yes. This is about birth control but other things, too.

Thursday, March 11th, 2010

So.

I think things are finally settling down, a bit.

The last couple weeks have been a blur of playdates, book clubs, doctor’s appointments (for Camper and me), jury duty (I know, suck) and whatnot.

So let’s go back, shall we?

So yes.  In the spirit of full disclosure (I mean, I wrote about getting it) I totally got Mirena pulled a couple weeks ago.  I think it was making me crazy-o.  I read this post along with about a hundred others that identified some symptoms I’d been experiencing.  Of all the things I mentioned to the doctor, only two were “enough of a medical reason” to yank the thing, except for the fact that I’m starting to get freaked about not having periods anymore.  She said that ANY reason to want it out was enough.  So now we’re doing the whole “wait for the periods to come back and then figure out another plan” plan.  Which will include birth control.  (I guess my choices now are The Copper IUD, Yaz (cause it didn’t make me crazy) or an assortment of “barrier methods.” Dear God. Help us.)  Because I cannot get pregnant on the meds that I am on for my Colitis. The doctor actually said, “You have to be so careful.  This isn’t a situation in which you aren’t planning a baby and if you got pregnant it’ll be a happy surprise.  It could be very, very bad.”

Welcome to my colon, people.  Stupid colon.

In the meantime, I am feeling more emotionally sound.  I don’t think I’ve cried since I got it pulled- which now that I think about it- is pretty wow.  Today is John’s day off, lately AKA Erin’s day to freakityfreak out and cry about life and I haven’t felt that pressure building up yet.

It could be that I’ve gotten outside in some sunshine, that I had a wonderful two-day vacation from diapers and making chicken nuggets, that my husband did the dishes while I took a SUPER long shower…or any number of other things.  Or it could be that I no longer have a TEENY bit of hormones floating around my uterus in the form of a white plastic anchor.

Yeah.

SO.  WITH THAT SAID, this past weekend I left my husband and child and went to VA for my friend Emily’s wedding shower.  I’ve been to a LOT of wedding showers, and I’ve never felt so included and excited and had so much fun before.  E’s family put it together, and the food was good, the company was good, the games were imaginative and fun…the theme was “Herb Garden.”  Which was nice a springy, and each bridesmaid (or member of the wedding party…) had an herb leaf on her name tag.  I felt special just to be part of it, and Emily got tons of awesome swag.  And that plus a number of hours spent talking with her, just one on one, which is something we never get to do, was just so nice.  I told John when I got home that it was so good to sit and talk with an old friend for hours and realize that although a lot of our relationship might be reminiscing, our friendship now is based on who we are now, what we’re doing now and includes the people we love, now.  In short: it was so good.  And I can’t wait for the wedding.

I came home to my baby, who I am very glad to be bringing to the wedding next month (no more leaving him behind!) and to JURY DUTY.  Ta da.  So, I really wonder what they expect SAHM’s to do about their KIDS during Jury Duty.  I know they give ME and excuse for if I work, and will pay ME for days I miss from my WORK, but what if I don’t work and I then have to extend that to my husband?  Does my excuse card work for him?  Or…what?  In the end we just sat there for a couple hours and then went home, and I did have both my mom and John to chill with Camper…but what if?  Yeah.  I want to know, too.

So now life goes on.  Back to normalcy.  Whatever that is.

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Posted in Adventures in Colitis, Friends, Mommy Upkeep | 6 Comments »

Dear Friends and Family

Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

Over Christmas my friends Mike & Jenn lost their baby.  They had endured many fertility treatments to get pregnant (over a series of many years) and their baby girl died two days before birth.  I haven’t shared a lot about what went on because it hasn’t been mine to share, but at the baby’s memorial service Mike & Jenn wrote a letter to be read (by John, actually) sharing their thoughts.  I didn’t know what to expect from the letter, but as John read it I was overwhelmed by the big-heartedness of my friends. I asked Jenn and she said that I could post their letter here.  If you know anyone who has lost a child in any way, I think a lot of these sentiments could apply.  None of us ever mean to do the wrong thing, but I was glad to receive advice first from the nurses helping at the hospital and then from Mike and Jenn themselves.  Their ability to provide us with such a clear picture of what we could do for them as friends was so amazing, and I’m glad to be able to post it here.

Dear Friends and Family,

We want to express how much we have been touched by every-one’s compassion.  This is not the way we expected the last two weeks to have been.  We know that the Lord has plans for Samantha, and while we grieve for her loss, we are at peace with the Lord’s plan.  We look forward to the day we get to see Samantha again.

We can not express enough how much we appreciate all the love and support we have received.  The hospital staff were all wonderful.  They were gentle and kind the whole time we were there. The doctors who had such a hard task of breaking the news and helping me through labor were beyond belief.  We both feel that without all of their assistance we wouldn’t have been able to endure the whole hospital experience.

All of the prayers and thoughts we have received have not gone unnoticed, either.  We know that some many people love and care for us.  We are in awe how we’ve only lived here a little over 2 years and yet, we have had so much support from so many.  Thank you for all that has been done to help us through this.

We know there are several who feel helpless and want to do something for us.  We pray that those feelings are taken from you.  There isn’t a whole lot that can be done.  here are a few suggestions that we found in some of the books the hospital gave us (We are not saying that anyone hasn’t done some of these, but thought this would help make the situation easier for you and us.):

Realize that both of us are grieving.  Dads are often the forgotten griever.  Ask how we are both doing, not just one of us.

Realize that saying “I’m sorry” is enough.

Realize a new child will not replace Samantha, we will always miss her.

If you are uncomfortable about discussing the death of the child with us because you think we won’t want to talk about it, don’t shy away.  Simply say something like, “I just want you to know that I want to listen if you need to talk.”  If we don’t talk at that time don’t assume we will never want to talk.

Call frequently to ask how we are adjusting.

Continue to invite us to activities you would have normally invited us to.  Let us set the pace, though.  If we decline, don’t feel hurt.

Realize that Samantha is still a product of our love and the joy of our lives.  There is joy and pain.  The joy didn’t end when Samantha died and the pain will not end after this ceremony- accept both.  Don’t try to take the pain away.  We need to feel it, hard as it may be to see, we need to grieve.

We will still have hard times ahead.  Our first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, Samantha’s first birthday.  Please continue to pray for us during these times.

Again, we want to let everyone know how much love we have felt.  We are grateful to all who have come to be with us today.  Samantha had a short life, but we will never forget her.

Thank y’all.

Mike and Jenn

As I talked things over with Jenn she mentioned a few other things to think about.

First, and this deals with friends going through fertility treatments as well as parents who have lost a child, DO invite them to your baby shower/child’s birthday/baptism, etc. if you would have invited them before.  Your invitation could be worded something like this:

I want to invite you to (whatever the event is.)  I don’t where you with everything right now, but please know that we would love you to be there, and also understand if you can’t.

This admits that you don’t know whether they are in a hopeful place in their process, or if they are feeling angry or sad or just tired.  It also doesn’t presume to know what’s best for that person, attending or not attending is up to them.  The point is to make them feel loved and invited.

The worst thing you can say to parents who are struggling with infertility or have lost a child?

“Have you thought about adoption?”

I think this question is one that either comes out of a place of a personal need to interject some sort of a solution into their lives, or out of curiosity.  Either way, it’s not the right thing to ask right now.  YES.  They’ve thought of adoption.  And really, adoption is just as much of a process and fertility treatments.  It’s not just about wanting to have a child naturally.  It’s about being committed to a path that they’ve chosen.  Both cost money and neither are 100% certain.  Nowhere near 100%.  One of the biggest things that couples going through infertility tire of hearing is how someone else you know adopted a child and later gave birth to a child, as well.  Adoption is not a magic wand for couples going through infertility treatments.  Just as many people adopt children and never have children naturally.  One is not connected to another, and while it is amazing and a miracle that  the couple you know went on to have other children (and the person going through infertility treatments would see that, and recognize that joy and that miracle, maybe more than you would) again…just not the thing to say right now.

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Posted in Friends | 1 Comment »

Resolution 2010 Style (Late.)(Because I feel like this year came late, anyway.)

Thursday, January 7th, 2010

It seems a little sad to me that New Year’s Resolutions have fallen out of fashion.  I can’t go to a blog without seeing, “I’m just not into resolutions,” or “I’m not making any resolutions this year.” I guess it’s because resolutions made because “everyone is doing it” don’t stick.  And things we decide to do while stuffing our face with all kinds of food and sitting around watching Christmas movies in our PJ’s rarely stick, either.  It just seems like “I’m not into making resolutions” has become the new, “I’m scared of clowns.”  (You know what I’m saying?)

All THAT said, I totally FORGOT to make resolutions this year.  It been a tough holiday season for us, and with everything going on I didn’t have time to clean the house, work out, write meaningful things in a journal, take extra pictures, etc.  There is part of me that thinks that if I’m not off and running by January 1st, maybe I shouldn’t even bother.  But I really don’t want to be all defeatist about it.  And I personally love when big chunks of the world come together at the same time to do things, if only out of tradition.  I like knowing that people are baking pies and watching football at Thanksgiving, hunting for eggs at Easter, and yes…setting goals for a brand new better them in January.  So I’d be remiss, I think, if I didn’t join in.

Goal Number One:

I will read more.  I’ve actually been doing pretty good on this one lately, even though I think I’ve decided that what I like to read probably falls more in line with junk food than a hearty meal.  That said, I’ve bookmarked The Book of Mormon on my toolbar so maybe I’ll read through it more often.  I just bookmark where I left off, and pick up there the next day.  I’ve never tried studying scripture online before, so we’ll see how it goes.  (FYI for those who don’t know, full versions of all the LDS standard works are available online.  I wonder how long it’d take me to go through the Bible?) So far I’ve read 3 out of the last 5 days.  That’s better than nothing!

Goal Number Two:

I will take care of myself.  Better sleep, better (and more consistent) grooming habits.  I used to be ALL ABOUT The grooming.  I even had a small eyebrow waxing station set up in my room in college.  I actually had time enough to DO OTHER PEOPLE’S EYEBROWS.  I got some nice makeup for Christmas (some blush and eye shadow) so I think I should put that on more regularly, too.  I might be a Mom, but I’m still a girl, darnnit.

Goal Number Three:

Hello friends! I THINK last year I made the goal to be in better contact with my friends.  And while I still suck at it, I’m doing better.  A combination of phone calls (not to announce weddings, births, etc., just because) and even some (sparse) visits for dear friends far away.  I”ve also met a couple of people around here that I have realized I really like being around and talking to.  I want to make time for these people, see how I can be there for them.  DO THINGS like…OUT OF THE HOUSE with them.  I know, crazy?  I just need to be more open to socializing.

and finally…Goal Number Four:

DA DA Duummmmmmmm.  I will lose weight.  I can’t even call it baby weight, since I lost that by last April but just GAINED IT BACK.  JUST FOR FUN.  I need to feel better and healthier and I sure as HADES am not adding 30 lbs. on top of THIS when I decide to get pregnant next time.  Nope.  Not gonna happen.  And while the Shred didn’t work out so well (kills my knees, and I don’t have bad knees!) I think we’re going to start doing some other stuff at home.  If anyone would like to tell me about their FAVORITE piece of at home work out equipment or DVD, I’d love to know.  We bought an elliptical a couple years ago, but it turns out that you either get one for $800,000 or it doesn’t work out so well.  Something about it being able to fold up made it kind of rickety I guess.  We’re selling it.  (And I really want to know, are you people actually losing weight and getting fit using a Wii, or is the lazyman’s workout.  Or worse, the already-skinny-person’s workout?)

So that’s it.  Books, grooming, friends, and working out.  There are other more sweeping goals I’m working through, things having to do with school and jobs, etc., but since these seem to be the things I can actually control…these are the goals I will make for myself.

Because I like resolutions.

Posted in Friends, Holiday!, Mommy Upkeep, health | 3 Comments »

Happy, Almost. Ok, not quite yet but working on it.

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

Ok people.  I’ve spent today doing things ON PURPOSE.  Even after a night of not sleeping, I got myself up (took a nap later courtesy of my father watching my son for a bit), cleaned up my room, stripped the diapers, scrubbed the bathroom, and played with my son.  I also cuddled someone else’s dog for awhile- which was kind of nice. (They were gone all day and their dog needed some attention.  I wish I had room in my life for a dog of my own right now.)

But the POINT of all of this is: I’m still a little surly.  (See image below.)

Christmas 062(And yes, that’s my current waistline.)

I’m even, I daresay, feeling a little hopeless, wondering how long my family will struggle through with these specific hardships.  (I say specific, because I’ve come to the realization that we will ALWAYS have hardships…but I’m tiring of these ones.  Did I even dare say that?) But I’ve decided to just get through it.

Things I’m focusing on this week:

-Everyone out there who is saying to themselves:”What does she have to whine about?  The people she loves most are pretty happy, healthy, and mostly right around her.  She has such a cute kid, even though I’ve never seen his face.  She’s got to get it TOGETHER!” I agree with you.  Top of my to-do list.

-Last night I had a piano recital, hosted at one of my student’s houses, for all of my “under 18″ set.  It was great, and I felt so proud of them.  Moreover, I realized that I’m doing something kind of cool with these kids.  It’s a good thing.

-I miss my husband so much, which means I love him, but I’m also still functioning while he’s gone at his 10 day residency.  Which means three things.  a) I’m more capable than last time around b) I have amazing family to help me and c) my kid is older.

-Christmas will come again next year, so I’ll have another chance at Merriness.  Without the bitterness.  Even though there was at least ONE thing I didn’t feel bitter about this year.  Check out his super cuteness.

Christmas 008

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-No one likes a grouch.  Or a pessimist.  But TECHNICALLY, I think pessimism usually focuses on what you think about the future. So the fact that I think that 2009 was a crapshoot (or would that be, crapchute, crapshoute? what the crap?  How do you spell chute? Chutes and Ladders…Ack.  Whatever.) isn’t pessimism.  Just an assessment, really.  I can still have optimism about 2010. (When I wrote that, I accidentally wrote 2019. Please don’t let good things (aka financial security) take that long.)

-Even if there are some people who are all, “I don’t want to read about your problems, if you write a day to day rundown of your life I’m bored!  Don’t people know how to get over crap?  You think about stuff too much.” Others are more, “I want to hear what’s going on with you!”  And those first people don’t have to read this.  And to those second people, thank you.  Thank you very much.

-I’m not one of those people who does things unapologeticically.  I thought I wanted to be one.  You know, I do whatever I want and say DEAL WITH IT, EVERYONE ELSE!  But that’s not me.  I think about people, I want to make people happy.  Even people that…errr…aren’t that important to me.  But you know what?  That’s cool.  I’ve decided that that quality can stay.  But I also want to combine what I can “thoughtfulness” with a new kind of boldness.  I want to be able to say…to the kid who tackled MY KID (or at least his mother) “Say you’re sorry.  Right now.”  I want to still consider the people around me, but also just make the decisions that are best for me and my family without caring what judgment ensues.

So there ya are.  Some things that have been crossing my mind that are making me feel all firey and like I’m actually going to do something.  Or have something to say this evening.

And here, by the way, is my favorite Christmas card this year.  When I got it I thought to myself, “Now here’s a card just for me.”  And it lifted my spirits.  (That’s her husband’s ear in the picture, by the way.  She’s in it as well, you just can’t see her.)  The funny thing?  I met her through this blog!  Or I found hers through someone else’s…or something.  How did we meet, anyway?  But the point is, we’ve NEVER MET IN PERSON.  Blogging is a waste of my time?  I think NOT.  I have quite a lot of people that I’ve gathered strength from, in blog format.  So keep going ladies.  I read you.

Anyway, the card:

Christmas 067

HAPPY 2010, people.  Happy.

Posted in Friends, Holiday!, Mommy Upkeep | 2 Comments »

The Story of a Rug

Sunday, June 21st, 2009

Once upon a time I met a new friend.  She was awesome.  (Still is…she just lives further away now.)   I used to go to her house once a week or so for a playgroup, and it was always fun.  Once while changing Camper in her kid’s room, I noticed a beautiful plush rug on the floor.  I thought to myself, “Wow, that is beautiful.  And plush.  Maybe I should find something like that for Camper.”  But then I promptly forgot all about it.

A little while later she moved!  I went to visit her in her new, faraway kingdom and found that the carpet in her house was still AWESOME.  Camper LOVED it.  I showed her how Camper rubbed his face in the carpet and luxuriated.  She said, “Oh!  If I had known he liked it so much I would have left that other rug for you guys!  I gave it to someone else.”  She told me the someone else, and we both noted that the someone else also had little kids who would probably luxuriate in the rug, as well.  So it was all cool.  Until I remembered that the someone else was moving soon, too!  Maybe, just maybe she wasn’t going to take it with her.  I knew she was having a tag sale, but it was the same day as ours…so there was no way of just checking it out.  Finally I just emailed and figured she would forgive me if I sounded silly, trying to figure out what was happening with a rug.

She emailed me back promptly and said that even though the rug was AWESOME, that they weren’t taking it with them after all!  But it had already been given to our church and sold in a tag sale to fund summer camps for the youth.  A very noble cause indeed, but who owned it NOW?  I found out, and this person was not moving anytime soon.  The rug was gone.

Sad.

I put it out of my mind, until John came home and said, “Hey, there is a really thick, dark brown shag rug in a room at church.  Was that the one you were asking about?”  Turned out, the person who bought it had never picked it up and brought it home!  Here I was, all ready to let the rug go, and it comes back into my life!  To be honest, I kind of thought about going to the church in the middle of the night and absconding with the rug.  But that was more for the adventure than for the desire to steal, so we didn’t.  I figured out who bought it and was going to ask if I could buy it from them, but then I decided that I was kind of becoming obsessed…so I didn’t.

Then one Friday night John, Camper and I came home to find the rug, the very rug, propped up in the corner of Camper’s room.

Apparently, the owner of the rug had found out that I liked it and kind of wanted it, and wanted me to have it.  JUST BECAUSE SHE’S NICE.  And so now the rug and I are together, at last.

june 011

Check out that plush shag, yo.

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So thanks to all who were involved in getting us the rug of my dreams :)

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Posted in Day to day, Friends, Interesting finds | 2 Comments »

Blessed and Lucky

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

As my husband slumbers in his lair, preparing for another night at work, and as my little boy sleeps in his crib, preparing for- well- who knows what?  I think to myself: I should sleep.  But as always, I feel that I can enjoy my “down time” more if I am awake.  Hence the posting.

This past week has been a good one.  Aside from the bug that went around our house, and seems to still be hitting at least my Dad, I’ve started to feel a lot better.  I think we may be on the way to having this IBD thing under control.  FINALLY.  The Bubbs has been sleeping a lot this week, eating pretty well, and is blossoming into a little person right before my eyes.  This is exhausting and exciting all at the same time, and the weather has allowed us to venture out more, whether just to get groceries, go for walks, or even to storytimes and such.  I’m hoping to get more of that in during the coming weeks- and John is encouraging me to find a Mommy/Baby swim class as well.  Although I am NOT EXCITED to get into a bathing suit, at least the weight is coming off/going away, and I have a beautiful baby to explain my new disfigure (this is what I call my used-to-be figure).

Last Tuesday my friend Christine came to visit.  I met her freshman year of college in PA, we lived together the next year, and I love her so much.  She, along with my other “Scranton” friends Emily and Jess (and of course, Lindsey, although you are not a Scranton girl!) have been some of the few “constants” in my life: showing up for weddings and new things happening, and although we don’t get to talk as much as we would like, it doesn’t seem to matter once we get back together.  She stayed til Thursday, and having her here to meet Bubbs was amazing.  We did a little bit of everything, we watched some Alias, which we were obsessed with our junior year.  We looked through old pictures and newspapers, and talked about how different we were back then.  How our lives were mostly just about us.  We lived in our own little bubble and made all our choices based on our own preferences, whims, and new ideas, and just were.  We talked about how we’ve changed, about how we’ve stayed the same.  She works in campus ministry for a school (few would know that this is very close to my dream job, actually.  I would love to run interfaith retreats for a living), and is also a student.  We talked a lot about what we’ve both been up to and what we’re planning, and I’m so excited that she’s looking at such a good year full of…well…I’ll let her tell you that if you know her and she cares to share.

As for our activities, she came with me to a doctor’s appointment (held the Bubbs), we cooked some good food, cuddled my baby, and of course, talked about religion.  I just felt, filled…by her visit.  Like I always do.  I had a secret “wishlist” for while she was here,  and I’m happy to say, we DID go on a walk, we stayed up late talking (she actually shacked up with me, seeing as how my husband sleeps during the day in another room and all…one night I stayed up late and talked, the next night I fell asleep before she was done washing her face),and MOST importantly, she sang to my son.  It was a good, good visit.  Except that I forgot to get some coffee for her.  I ALWAYS forget that, one day I’ll remember! (Thank goodness for Dunkin Donuts!)

Backing up a bit, when I left for England the September of what WOULD have been my senior year of college, I knew that I was risking some of the best friendships I had ever had by leaving.  I did it because I felt like I needed to, wanted to, and was supposed to (all part of serving an LDS mission), but that didn’t meant I wasn’t scared that my relationships were too fragile to survive a year and a half with no phonecalls or visits, or even just missing out on our last year in college together.  But I was so blessed with friends that loved me enough to work at our friendships- and even though we differ in our belief systems and life choices- care enough to keep coming back again and again and again.  We’re all returning to Scranton this Spring for a visit, and I can’t WAIT to be together again.  Show the girls my beautiful baby boy, find out about their plans for finishing more school, buying houses, getting married (all on the calendar for the coming year) and just be NEAR them.  Not everyone gets to find people who both accept them for who they are and challenge them to become more all at the same time- and I am lucky not only to have been raised by parents who are like that, found a spouse who is like that, but also have amazing friends who are like that.

I am a lucky girl.  Blessed and lucky.

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Posted in Friends, Mommy Upkeep, Rambles | No Comments »