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Turn Left at the Tee-Kai

Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

Awhile ago Cy started using a non-sensical word for everything. “Tee-kai.”  It was during his Brother Bear phase, so I think it’s spin off of one of the character’s names “Kenai,” but still.  EVERYTHING. IS. A. TEE. KAI.

“Hey Mommy! I making a tee-kai!” (Pile of pillows on the floor.) That made us think he MEANT teepee. But then, “Hey Mommy! Look! A tee-kai!” became two grapes speared with a chop stick. Still the most mysterious, was Tee-Kai (notice the capital letters) who had “brown skin and white hair.” “He’s my friend!” Or this morning, when Cy told me, “I know how’a get to Music School! Go left at the Tee-Kai!”

It’s lasted for almost a month now, maybe more! So I’m pretty curious to see how this tee-kai business turns out!

I still owe the Internets some serious pictures of my child during his birthday celebrations.  So very sorry! Life here has been outrageously busy.

I’m not one for giving out my schedule online- but seriously people, from Saturday night through Wednesday is brutal.  Church is way crazy busy on Sunday, and then I rocket through the beginning of the week into a late night at school on Tuesday night when all my homework is due (there goes Monday night).  I’m at work in my new position M-F, and teach on Wednesday afternoon. I have to  catch up on sleep/running schedule/housework Thursday and Friday, just to fall behind on the school work… and it all starts again.  It wouldn’t be as crazy, I don’t think, if Cy were sleeping normally.  Lately, though, he’s been up a lot, crying at night, and (GASP) sleeping in our bed.  I always freak out when this happens- but then by the time I get a good “approach” in place for how to “address” the “sleeping issues,” he’s over it.  It happens every six months or so- and then it’s over.  So let’s hope he’ll settle in soon.

To be fair, the kid’s got a lot of change going on in his life!  I’m working around 30 hours a week and he started preschool (two mornings a week).  John now goes into work early, I go in later, and so sometimes I’m home for dinner sometimes not. I’m also back at school- which means I don’t get home until 10 or 11pm one night a week.

All new stuff.

But I’m holding on to the “happy.”  I know this will all work out, we just have to get our groove back, yo.

Groove.

I keep kind of “checking in” with this decision for me to be working again- but it’s kind of twofold right now.  a) I LOVE WORKING and b) we need me to work if we ever want to get a handle on those pesky (not little) students loans and you know…get on with life. And the sneaky third reason:

c) plusican’thaveababyrightnowidon’twanttotalkaboutit.

I came home from work yesterday after picking Cy up at school.  (He had a fire drill, he did great! Such a big boy.) As I turned onto my street I noticed that the town had painted new yellow lines down the center of the road.  At first I was offended- the bright, sharp yellow edges stood out too much.  Totally in my face.  Completely butting into this whole “natural color scheme” thing we had going on.  But then I realized that it’d probably help, you know, keep people on their side.

So that’s what I feel like right now, like I’ve drawn two bright yellow lines down the middle of my life.  Some stuff gets to be on this side, some stuff on that side, and right know it’s kind of awkward.  Long term, though, it’s the same road.  It just looks different.  That’s all.

Posted in Day to day, Family, Mommy Upkeep, My fabulous future, Rambles | 2 Comments »

I wish someone would have told me that being a grownup means that sometimes you have heartache even when good things are happening.

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing, because I built my life around you.  But time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older, too.

So tomorrow I start school again, full time.  I will be away from my child on a regular schedule, more often than just teaching piano, which I still do, and on top of teaching a class at a school in town.  And I feel so very confused by it all.

That’s not true at all.

I’m not confused.  When I found the school and the program I’d be attending, it felt like such the right choice that I wondered why I had never seen it before.  And when I called to inquire about the possible teaching position and then got the job, it was miraculous.  And when I see my kids playing piano, even after a long summer vacation, and feel proud of them, I know that teaching piano is a good addition to my life, too.

And yet, there will be less time.

Less time to be at home full-time, which I think, in all honesty, I would love to do.

And I think, also, that if I were home full-time, forever, I would also miss out on some OTHER things that I really want to do.

I want both SO BAD. Ack.

I’m excited to be Erin again.  Although I’m still so amazed to wake up every day and be Cy’s Mommy.  (Don’t you love the first time another child calls you that? “Cy’s Mommy?  Can I share his snack, too?” or “Cy’s Mommy?  Can we come over and play again tomorrow?”)  I’ve cried every night for three days thinking about getting in the car and driving off to another part of my life, one that I don’t share with my son or anyone else.  One where people might not even know that I’m a mother.  That they might not even see me in that role that has over-rode (over-ridden?) every.other.role. I’ve had in the last two years.

But I can’t deny that I felt (STILL FEEL) so much peace when I thought through this decision early this summer.  When I prayed about it and when I applied and fought for it and when I arranged my schedule so precariously and packed this September so full that I am actually scared of what it will feel like.  And then added some more.

He’s almost two, and I guess it’s as good a time as any to get going on some more of my personal needs and goals, and work towards more stability for our little family as well.

But I’m seriously thinking about pushing bedtime back half an hour (15 minutes?) so that I won’t miss it.  Even if he does choose other people to read him stories, I kind of like the idea of being an option.  You know?

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oh yeah. and the baby.

Wednesday, August 12th, 2009

August with Camper 077
I love that although I’m done with the GRE and don’t have to obsess over it everyday…I’ve been posting even less than usual. Seriously, though, I’m so glad to be done with trying to study during precious naptime, or stealing time between piano lessons to sit in a restaurant making the waitress mad because all I want is some Diet Coke and to memorize this list of words. I did well.  Well enough. I hope.

I’ve moved forward with the application process, although the job John has heard about this week isn’t near the college I want to go to…and we just keep moving. Not forward, not backward, just kind of…treading water. Waiting. Strengthening our muscles so that when the time comes we will be able to do what we need to do. Enjoying the calm waters and the security of home while we are still here.

And now John wants to get Camper a pet. To teach him responsibility. Any ideas?

I’m mulling over a post of things that you can do to feel rich when you are actually poor. So far the list contains, “Get your jewelry cleaned,” “pluck your eyebrows,” and “spritz yourself with yummy perfume samples.” I’d take suggestions for that one, too. Gonna be a good post that one is. Except I just told you the whole list and now I have to think up some other good stuff.

Goodnight internet.  Got to go to bed so I can wake to my morning bedhead.

August with Camper 055

oh yeah.  And the baby.

August with Camper 071

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Myself Revisited

Sunday, April 26th, 2009

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago:

Looking back at the last couple of years, I realized that I seem to have condensed quite a few years worth of events into a rather short period of time.  I met John in September of 2006, and we were engaged by January.  We had a longish engagement (for the area we lived in, where people usually get married within 3 months of the proposal) and were married in August of 2007.  I was pregnant by January, and had Camper in September.  When I left for my mission in September of 2004, I wrote in my journal that I hope life wouldn’t leave me out, or leave me behind because I was choosing to leave everything behind for a year an a half.  I’m suddenly realizing that it did not leave me behind, in fact…it almost put itself on pause, just waiting for me to get back so it could play itself out in good time.

It’s kind of crazy, but it’s played out like this:

May 2006: Home from England

September- met John

January 2007- engaged

September-married

January 2008-pregnant

September-Mommy

Big changes.  The funny thing is, I feel like I have been married forever.  I feel like I’ve been Camper’s Mom forever.  The reality is, however, that I have actually been living in this new life of mine for a relatively short period of time.  The last week or so, I’ve started to feel a growing feeling of nostalgia for the past, and a bit of sadness at my lack of effort to bring important things from my past into my future.  I spent a couple of hours in a crawlspace the other day, surrounded by boxes of journals and books and stuffed animals, and realized that I am in need of a renovation.  I’ve taken a break from the rest of life for a while now, and I think it was a good thing.   I needed time to get used to this new family of mine.  But now we’re in a situation where our baby is 6 months old, my health is finally under control, I’m NOT pregnant, and it’s time get back into the swing of things.

I wrote that after a recent visit with one of my best friends, Christine.  Her visit was timely for a lot of reasons, but mostly because it got me thinking about why I am who I am, who I used to be, and which parts of myself I’ve let get pushed into the background since my mission, Utah, marriage, baby, etc.  Here’s the thing: I’m not sad that I’ve changed and started new things, I love my family.  I’m just finally at a stage where I can start building on myself again, working towards things like career goals.

For anyone who knew, I had applied to a program through the University of Illinois, an online program that would have allowed me to become a librarian.  I thought that it would be the perfect plan for me, I was really psyched about it.  I would be able to get through the degree while staying at home with Camper, and then have a career helping students research in a university setting.  Academia.  It was perfect.

And then I didn’t get in.  Which really sucked.  I wondered what was wrong with my records that I didn’t get in.  My grades have always been really good, I’ve taken challenging classes.  I should have gotten in!  After I cried for a bit, moaning the loss of my newest plan, I was able to see that 1) Who knows if I wasn’t good enough, or if I was just one of MANY who were good enough.  Not everyone can get in.  Qualified candidates get turned away all the time, right?  2) I should have taken the GRE.  Even though it wasn’t “required” if you had a certain GPA, I’m thinking that to be seriously considered, I need to take it.  3) I don’t want to be a librarian.

I know.  I know.  In some ways that job would be perfect for me, but after talking to John, I realized that I was going for a career that would get me close to the life I wanted.  But why work with students when I want to BE a student?  Why help others with their research when I don’t feel quite done with school myself?

John asked me to really think about where I would have taken my education if I hadn’t interrupted it to serve a mission in England and then gone to BYU, gotten married and become a Mommy.  He also told me to look into full residency programs.  Taking that into account, as well as long conversations with Christine (my dream job, remember?) I thought, why does what I really want to do have to be a dream?

So the new plan.  I’m going to take this year.  I’m going to be at home with my son, teach piano lessons, study for and take the GRE.  And I’m going to apply to programs.  PROGRAMS.  Not one, but many, where I can get a Masters in Religious Studies.  So far, of the programs I’ve found, it looks like I’d focus on Religion and Culture, or something similar.  I’d be qualified to teach religion classes at any university that offers courses in religion.  I can focus my study on Catholicism and Interfaith Dynamics (these things really exist!) and maybe, just maybe, even participate in retreats again.  I can be excited about what I study, and teach things I’m really interested in.

I’ve hestiated to make this choice for many reasons.  It never seemed like a “real” thing to do to me.  A degree in religious studies rivals philosophy in the “what are you going to do with that?” department.  The answer: academia and service.  I can stay in academia, I can have a better chance of connecting with people through teaching about the Bible and gospel principles (and when I say this I don’t mean from my personal belief persepctive) and who knows?  maybe even get into retreats where ever I end up.  I’ve always shied away from being the “religious degree girl,” but why? Teaching religion is the most fulfilling thing that I can imagine doing.  Aside from motherhood, that is.  But I think I can have both.  I’ve also stayed away from studying Catholicism because while in Scranton, I felt very keenly that I was not as qualified as the students around me in the theology classes I took.  Well, that’s not true.  There were plenty of people who knew less than I did, but what I knew I knew as a Mormon girl.  And I wasn’t in the “inner circle” of theology students.  For some reason, the way I was interested in theology didn’t seem like the right way…to be interested…Now I’m realizing that perhaps I simply didn’t take enough time to figure it all out.  But I can do that now.

I’ll say that I’m still in the beginning stages of how to get this going.  But I’m not rushing it.  I’ve sent off some emails to different people in different programs (so far the two that have really caught my eye are Catholic University of America and University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill) just to open dialogue to the possibilites.  I’m going to take my time and find the program that will allow me to do what I want to do.

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I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead…

Friday, December 14th, 2007

Oh the reading day. I’ve seriously got to get to studying. Today has gone by rather quickly- it’s already dark out. I woke up and cleaned the house up a bit. Not too much, though, because honestly, I’m probably going to clean like a fiend before Christmas and visitors, etc. But before I got to homework I felt like I had to do the requisite amount of reading crap on the internet, and of course, let everyone know the newest news.

I was hired on full-time with Rich and Ron again yesterday. This time, though, it’s the real-deal…salaried, insurance (for both John and me), etc. I worked full-time with them through the summer (starting right after finals last-semester) and went part time when school started again. We were able to finish the first draft of the book and started the second pass-through this last couple of months. A month or so ago I started asking whether or not they would still have the position come January, and R&R said they wanted to see how everything went before making a decision. I was getting a bit anxious- mostly because I realised that I couldn’t be stupid and just wait to see how it all turned out, I had to start getting my resume out there again. In the end, I’ve decided that I’m very glad to be staying where I am and excited to see where it all goes. I’m excited to graduate and work full-time.  It’ll be good to focus on 27 things in life instead of 43,984.

I am waiting to hear from Westminster, so that’s a part of the plan. I’m also toying with the idea of a Greek class. I know that sounds random, but all of a sudden I’m thinking about theology again. As in, studying it. I’m thinking about ethics and books and lectures and all the things that I choose my first undergraduate university for. Who know’s where it’ll go. But, if I decide to go that route, I’m going to need Greek. ANYWAY. That is all so up in the air right now.

I actually had a freak out the other night because I realised, even after all this time, and as I GRADUATE, I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’ve always worked- and pretty much plan on working throughout different seasons of my life. But here’s the thing- I don’t just want to fit into some job description. I want to take my skills and interests and find a job that describes me. Last week the girl upstairs came down to ask me for some help with her philosophy paper- and as I explained stuff and we talked it out, I felt more excited about philosophy than I had in a long, long time. I still feel an inclination to teach. But the things I want to teach are not taught in high schools. I’d definitely need higher education- and although I don’t mind the idea of it, I don’t think right now is the time to start another academic degree. Thus, a few months off. Thus, starting a communications program to learn some skills.  Mad Skilz.   John has been working the dreaded job for quite some time now- and it’ll be really nice for him to reduce his hours (he’s been keeping a set amount to keep our insurance) so that he can focus on getting done with school.  Fingers crossed- next time this year it’ll be John graduating, and then we can figure out life from there.

But, with all that dreaming in the works (work, Greek, communications, la la la) I’ve still got a week of finals to get through first.   So here goes some studying.  Now….if only the girl upstairs would stop baking.  It smells toooo gooooddd…..

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Others have excuses. I have my reasons why.*

Friday, November 2nd, 2007

Let’s just say- I didn’t pass the physical science test.  100 questions.  The first 25 I made my way through rather steadily- but as soon as I hit the middle of the test, things started slowing down.  All of a sudden, I had to start guessing.  When I got to the last 25, I was back in my comfort zone, geology and astronomy…but it wasn’t enough.  The Periodic Table of the Elements literally killed me.  If I had known how much of a focus it would have been…well.  That’s that.

I was pretty upset.  I AM pretty upset about it.  I wanted this step to be the end.  I spent this week (quite a lot of it, actually) pouring through a ridiculous book, trying to remember as much as I could about all the different aspects of physical science.  Turns out, I should have focused more in certain areas, and less in others.  I guess this is why people take CLASSES.

It’s a lot of things.   It’s embarrassing, it’s frustrating, and it leaves me completely discouraged with an outrageous amount of work still ahead of me.  I have a few options- I can study and try to take the exemption exam AGAIN in January.  I can enroll in an online class that will give me credit, which WILL let me graduate by December, but costs around $400. I can find a scientifically intelligent lookalike and pay them to take my test.  John has encouraged me to not think about it for a couple days- get through all the OTHER exams I have to take this weekend, and then figure out the plan on Monday.  It’s such a mess.

More than anything, I just want to be finished with the undergraduate degree.  I thought this shortcut would allow me to work more, study more, be home more, etc.  Turns out, maybe I should have just taken another class this semester.  Who knows- I can’t go back, so I just have decide if I want to “graduate” (as BYU lets you do…) with this one last thing left hanging to be cleaned up after Christmas.  And I know how I feel about it, but I’m just not sure how to….never mind.

Just as a GREAT cosmic joke, we get to our science class this afternoon and our teacher has chosen a video to show us…all about the periodic table.  SERIOUSLY.  We’re studying Evolution- he actually said, “You might wonder why I’m showing this to you, blah blah blah,” and then we went on to discuss Darwin.  In 15 minutes I probably got enough information to do at least…5 questions better on the exam.   That, and a little more luck, could have made the difference.  It’s not enough to fail the test, I then have to go to a class where I’m presented with a power point outlining just how simple it all is. 

I did learn something about Darwin that I hadn’t previously known.  When deciding whether or not he wanted to get married, the CONS on his list were, a) less freedom and b) less money for books.  I peered over at John who genuinely exclaimed, “Those were on MY LIST too!”  It made me laugh.

So tonight there is more studying, some cleaning, maybe some working out.  I feel deflated.  I’m not sure where I’m going to get the motivation to finish everything.  I guess I’ll just have to do it.  That’s all.  I really, really want to graduate, SOON.  I’ve dragged this out for such a long time (although, for less time than average for an LDS guy or girl going to BYU) and I desperately want to have this done and move on.  I will, I know I can- I didn’t fail a CLASS, after all….just an exemption exam.  I know I have time, in life, to wander and do all the things I need and want to do- it is what I make of it, after all.  I guess I just wanted to have it made already.  Sigh.

…And climb high, to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky.  While others have excuses, I have my reasons why.
*Nickle Creek, Reasons Why

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Blue River Runnin’ Slow and Lazy

Thursday, July 12th, 2007

It’s RAINING. It’s raining. It’s raining. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me. As I was driving Jonathan to work this morning (he works landscaping) I said, “What will you do if it rains?” I meant, “Will you need to be picked up because your job is an outside job,” but he responded thoughtfully and seriously, “I will prance around like a gazelle. One of the small, light ones.” And that’s what you get when you stick two New England kids in a desert and expect them to get by with cool showers and lots of lotion. Actually, that was my first tip off this morning. I woke up, and didn’t immediately run for the lotion in an attempt to rehydrate my hands and face. Sometimes I wake up feeling so dry I think if I move to quickly I’ll crack and fall on the floor in a little pile of dust. Ok, maybe that’s taking it too far. But, anyway, I’m very, very happy that it’s raining. I hope it lasts past noon. I’m wondering if it’ll even last an hour.

So yes, everyone, I picked up the dress. It is currently hanging on the wall in my bedroom on a hook specifically installed for this purpose. When we picked it up yesterday, I was soooo nervous. It’s definitely fitted. It’s definitely heavy. So- I’ve started a new “be strong enough to wear the dress” program. It sounds silly- but I need to walk more and go to the gym a little more (meaning at all) so as to not be huffing and puffing around in this thing. It fits- but I don’t want to Dorito myself out of a dress in a month- so I’m going to be a little better about the millions of chips and peanut butter cups I usually consume daily. But it’s pretty. So pretty. It makes me feel pretty. I’m very, very happy.

My Mom is also sending me out a print of the painting we’ve chosen as the theme for our wedding, it’s Chagall’s Three Candles. We’re going to use it at the reception (my mom also used it for the stamps on the invites…she’s a crafty one), but then just have it at our house when we’re done. It’s so beautiful, what a good mom, huh? She’s also sending me out my map of my mission area in England and some lace that we had framed when I got home last year. This home is going to get decorated, yet!

I have to say, for the record, that I feel like the luckiest girl in the universe right now. Too many good things, a fiance who I LOVE, who cracks me up and and makes me think and supports me in all of my desires and endeavors, a brother who loves me enough to brave utter dehydration to spend a couple months with me before I get married, parents who understand and love me, and support my life choices, AND, ON TOP OF ALL THAT my new expanding family is loving and supportive and wonderful as well. Oh yes, and don’t forget a cozy, attractive place to live and good friends (the soul kind) scattered from coast to coast. Don’t know what I did to get it so good, but I’m happy about it.

Ok. I think I’m done running at the mouth about how I love my life right now.

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We’re Going There (Someday) (August 3rd)

Friday, June 15th, 2007

manti.JPG

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Just Killing Plants and Reading Books

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

I’ve almost, just almost, killed my plants. I followed through with the “quest” for nutrients- went out and bought some Miracle Grow. Not sure why, but I kind of feel like using some sort of watered-down miracle drug for my plants is cheating. I don’t know what ELSE I would do…but I’m getting over it. So, they’re all perking up except for the littlest one, who has some sort of mold issue. I brought it home from my office yesterday and put it outside with the other two, but now I’m wondering if it will spread the gross mold to the other plants. The mold is disgusting- seriously looks like goo from those old Ninja Turtles movies. I’m not sure why I’m so insistent on growing stuff, anyway. Perhaps it has something to do with my lack of skills in other areas. I would at LEAST like to have healthy plants.

Went to the library yesterday- dragged John along. He hates the library- I’m not sure why. He’s told me, but I don’t really understand. I know that he prefers to buy books, which I understand, but I’m not always so sure that I WANT the book. I just want to SEE if I want it. In a perfect world full of free books, I’d LOVE to own all the books I think I might enjoy, but alas…must buy gas… I’m trying to figure out if I would be more interested in young adult literature, regular fiction, nonfiction, etc. etc. etc. when I try my luck getting into publishing. Granted, I’ve got a semester of college, a couple years left (trapped) in Provo, then some Grad school, and then most likely an entry level position getting people drinks before I actually achieve the kind of status that allows me to read and edit what I want to read and edit. With college and work, I haven’t really read a lot this past year. That’s not true, I’ve read a TON of stuff, if you count Heidegger and Kierkegaard and Frege. Yeah….

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TGIF

Saturday, May 26th, 2007

It’s Friday again! That seems a little crazy- the week has flown by so fast! Work is good. We’re getting a process down, the book feels full of promise. I wondering if I’m as passionate about the subject matter that we’re writing about as I am about this new experience in writing and editing. Only time will tell- all I know is that I’ve found a job that’s giving me daily insight into something I think I may want to be doing for awhile in addition to insight into things I’ve never considered but find rather interesting. That’s pretty good, I think.

That brings me to my next topic. I picked up my application for graduation today. I stood impatiently as a soft-spoken man reviewed the last four years of my life, deciding for me if it was time to move on. I’ve just got some odds and ends to finish- more a result of transferring than anything else. Also, my little foray into “International Studies” proved a bit of a time waster- I should have met up with economics sooner. As he scrolled through my life, muttering and making notes to himself, I realised that it’s happened AGAIN. I’ve made it through (or almost made it through) yet another milestone just to realise it’s a joke. Don’t get me wrong- I’m SO GLAD that I’ve chosen to get a degree, I’ve loved my major, and I feel (contrary to popular belief) that I’ve learned some valuable things. However, that illusion that college somehow helps you decide what to do in your life is shattered. It seems like there will never be an end to decision making. Sure, I’ve almost completed a degree, but most people don’t end up working in their field. I still get to wake up every day and wonder what I’m going to do- what I’m qualified to do.

John and I were talking the other day, and I came to the conclusion that there are two kinds of people. People with experience, and people with promise. Most people have a bit of both, but start their career expedition at one end of the spectrum. I’m (hopefully, at least) in the promise end of all that. I’ve had some experience, sure, but when I’m forced to pitch my abilities, talking through my experience lasts about 14 seconds, and the rest is pitching the promise. It’s not a bad thing- it just happens to be the stereotypical state of post-undergrad, pre-grads.

So: current plans, pursue editing/publishing. I need to take a deep breath and remember what my FAVOURITE teacher told me once. My senior year of high school, I took two (maybe three?) of Mr. Duquette’s classes. (We were on a block schedule, so we went through more classes, less time.) At some point during the year, I “realised” I wanted to teach English. I was madly passionate about books. Mr. Duquette supplied a list of books I’d never considered before, and had quite the experience reading. For example, he had us reading Jonathan Kozol’s Amazing Grace while simultaneously reading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. He seemed to concoct reading recipes- putting seemingly disparate subjects together to make a point. Some of us got it, sometimes.

ANYWAY, after one particularly interesting lesson, I felt completely overwhelmed. I wanted, so badly, to be able to do what he did. And Mr. Duquette had a nasty habit of giving me D’s. I was a straight-A student in High School, but for some reason, Mr. Duquette gave me D’s. I would ask him and he would just say, “You missed it,” or “That’s not your best.” It drove me CRAZY. Turned out he was trying to teach me something he thought I needed to learn…but that’s another story for another day. I went up to his desk after class one afternoon and had to fight back emotional alligator-type tears to ask him if he thought I could ever be a teacher. He looked at me and said, “I’ve got a secret to show you.” He moved some things around on his desk, and uncovered three huge, black binders. Inside were magazine clippings, articles from the newspaper, photo-copies of passages from books, hand-written notes… I don’t know how old Mr. Duquette was, probably early 60′s, but it was clear that he had spent a lot of time finding things and reading things and learning things. He told me that there was no way I could remember everything. That’s why people started writing things down in the first place. The next day he gave me something. A book called Alicia’s Journey. He said that he had picked it up from the bookstore and was thinking about adding it to the reading list for next year. He didn’t have time to read it, though, and wanted me to check it out. I went home and read it all in a couple of hours. I was expecting an amazing book- I thought it was going to give me direction in life, contain some secret message/wisdom from my mentor. It sucked. It was weird, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. I told him the next day that I hadn’t liked it – that I didn’t feel like it had any kind of coherent message, and that it made me feel lost. He said thanks, and that he wouldn’t bother adding it to the list. Looking back now I realise that he was actually just showing me what kind of skills you really need to do his job- and it had nothing to do with knowing everything. He was a smart guy. Sometimes I wish I could still have him as a mentor. He died shortly after I left town to go to college- but I’m glad I got to take some classes from him and form an attachment. He was remarkable.

Anyway…I didn’t really expect to remember all that. I guess that point is that I don’t feel qualified to pursue some of my goals in life. I guess the point of this is that I really haven’t ever felt qualified to take the next step, and yet, it always seems to work out. College applications, Freshman year all the way up to my mission, transferring schools, the various jobs and opportunities I’ve had along the way. I think I expect things to happen Bass Ackwards sometimes. As if I need to be qualified for life that I haven’t lived yet- that I have to be “ready” to experience the things that will make me ready and make me qualified.

A very long entry saying that I just need to chill out.

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