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Turn Left at the Tee-Kai

Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

Awhile ago Cy started using a non-sensical word for everything. “Tee-kai.”  It was during his Brother Bear phase, so I think it’s spin off of one of the character’s names “Kenai,” but still.  EVERYTHING. IS. A. TEE. KAI.

“Hey Mommy! I making a tee-kai!” (Pile of pillows on the floor.) That made us think he MEANT teepee. But then, “Hey Mommy! Look! A tee-kai!” became two grapes speared with a chop stick. Still the most mysterious, was Tee-Kai (notice the capital letters) who had “brown skin and white hair.” “He’s my friend!” Or this morning, when Cy told me, “I know how’a get to Music School! Go left at the Tee-Kai!”

It’s lasted for almost a month now, maybe more! So I’m pretty curious to see how this tee-kai business turns out!

I still owe the Internets some serious pictures of my child during his birthday celebrations.  So very sorry! Life here has been outrageously busy.

I’m not one for giving out my schedule online- but seriously people, from Saturday night through Wednesday is brutal.  Church is way crazy busy on Sunday, and then I rocket through the beginning of the week into a late night at school on Tuesday night when all my homework is due (there goes Monday night).  I’m at work in my new position M-F, and teach on Wednesday afternoon. I have to  catch up on sleep/running schedule/housework Thursday and Friday, just to fall behind on the school work… and it all starts again.  It wouldn’t be as crazy, I don’t think, if Cy were sleeping normally.  Lately, though, he’s been up a lot, crying at night, and (GASP) sleeping in our bed.  I always freak out when this happens- but then by the time I get a good “approach” in place for how to “address” the “sleeping issues,” he’s over it.  It happens every six months or so- and then it’s over.  So let’s hope he’ll settle in soon.

To be fair, the kid’s got a lot of change going on in his life!  I’m working around 30 hours a week and he started preschool (two mornings a week).  John now goes into work early, I go in later, and so sometimes I’m home for dinner sometimes not. I’m also back at school- which means I don’t get home until 10 or 11pm one night a week.

All new stuff.

But I’m holding on to the “happy.”  I know this will all work out, we just have to get our groove back, yo.

Groove.

I keep kind of “checking in” with this decision for me to be working again- but it’s kind of twofold right now.  a) I LOVE WORKING and b) we need me to work if we ever want to get a handle on those pesky (not little) students loans and you know…get on with life. And the sneaky third reason:

c) plusican’thaveababyrightnowidon’twanttotalkaboutit.

I came home from work yesterday after picking Cy up at school.  (He had a fire drill, he did great! Such a big boy.) As I turned onto my street I noticed that the town had painted new yellow lines down the center of the road.  At first I was offended- the bright, sharp yellow edges stood out too much.  Totally in my face.  Completely butting into this whole “natural color scheme” thing we had going on.  But then I realized that it’d probably help, you know, keep people on their side.

So that’s what I feel like right now, like I’ve drawn two bright yellow lines down the middle of my life.  Some stuff gets to be on this side, some stuff on that side, and right know it’s kind of awkward.  Long term, though, it’s the same road.  It just looks different.  That’s all.

Posted in Day to day, Family, Mommy Upkeep, My fabulous future, Rambles | 2 Comments »

Erin in July

Thursday, July 21st, 2011

TMI alert.

As a follow up to my last post, thanks THANKS thanks! to everyone who emailed, called, texted, visited…or in some way encouraged me to realize that I am young, I have an amazing child, and that I still have possibilities.  Also, thanks to those who just said, “That sucks.”  And really meant it.  Both approaches were needed and appreciated and I smiled.  It kind of felt like I said, “Where my girls at?” and THERE YOU WERE.  This is why I heart the internet.

I had a short but much needed visit with some of my best friends this last weekend.  I spent some time in Jersey, sat and talked with people who know my biggest secrets, and just felt…better.  Out of the four of my Scranton girls that keep in touch regularly, two are married currently (me and Em, she got married last Spring) and the other two are now engaged.  One’s wedding is in October and the other’s will be next June.  We talked about dresses and food and rings and exercise regimes and families and plans and jobs and that time we all got really fat junior year.  And in all of that I decided to just…chill.  It’s time to let life just take me.  I have some interesting options coming up (work and school related) and don’t feel the immediate need to get on the phone with my doctor and make this baby happen RIGHT NOW! I will concentrate on other things for awhile.  One added benefit of this plan is that I will not have to worry about maternity bridesmaids dresses.  Ha.  Ha ha.

In all of this, though, I have decided to go off all the medication in my life that I CAN quit without risking my health.  As a result, I am experiencing withdrawal symptoms after weaning myself off of Citaopram (under a doctor’s supervision).  I was wondering why I was spacier than normal and experiencing the weirdest dizziness of my life (while driving home from Jersey, btw…) and when I checked it out online there they were!  My symptoms! All listed on various websites and in a few forums all due to people quitting an SSRI.  One of the most INTERESTING symptoms have been the dreams.  They rival my pregnancy dreams, even.  But more scary.

For instance, the other day I dreamed that I found John sitting in our room.  I asked him what was wrong and he said he had just performed an exorcism on someone, and when the evil spirit came out of the body it turned to John and said, “I’m coming now for your son.”

RIGHT? Serious crazy-o crap going on inside my head.

Maybe I need that medication after all.

Just kidding.

I really think that I’m good without the meds, and that I would rather be ready for when the doctors gave me the green light to GO! GET PREGNANT! HAVE A BABY! rather than have to stop taking them then and spend a month feeling crappy and letting my system run them out.  Plus, a  lot of the situational problems leading to my depression are gone.  So we’ll see how it goes without it. I am not at all adverse to going back on anxiety/depression medication in the future, especially with my history of OCD and freaking-out-edness.  But not right now.

So that’s me.  Continuing in my personal quest to share too much information about myself with the world.  But who knows who needs to hear what? You know? And also.  I need to write it.

Posted in Friends, Rambles | No Comments »

Unadulterated Judgment: This is what comes out on snow days.

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

I’ve been taking notice of some of the common personalities in my different classes the last couple of semesters.  It’s made for some good blog fodder.  Have you met any of these people in your classes?

The negotiator: That guy. (You know it’s always a guy.) And everyone knows who he is.  He usually has more writing utensils than necessary lined up on his desk.  Whenever the prof gives an assignment, he seems to think that it’s up for debate.  Notice: he only pulls this in the newer faculty member’s classes, although he’ll find things to “negotiate” in other prof’s classes as well.  This usually takes anyway from 5-10 minutes each class period wherein the class engages in a discussion of the best font with which to post on the class’s discussion board.

The loogy-man: Of all the classroom personalities, I really wish I could have a conversation with this guy.  No, it is not cool to hawk (spelling?) snot out of your throat into your mouth during class.  No one can miss that noise you make, and then we all have to sit and think about how it’s either STILL in your mouth or wonder if you’ve swallowed it.  I know.

The overly-opinionated underly-qualified comment-maker: This can be a guy or a girl.  Usually their comments start with one of three versions of the same preamble.  “I’m not an expert on this subject by any means, so if anyone knows more about this than I do, please feel free to jump in, but I think…” This person comments multiple times during one class period and always starts with their disclaimer.  These people drive me crazy because they create the feeling that there might be some super qualified people in the class, and the rest of us are just there to bask in their glory.  Honestly, JUST SHARE YOUR COMMENT.  You are either insecure, or it’s false modesty.  Either way, STOP IT.

The adrenaline junkie: This classmate seems to think every assignment will make or break their academic future, and by extension, their life, the cuteness of their future children, and their 401k.  Whenever the professor announces a new assignment (usually already listed in the syllabus) the AJ asks fourteen clarifying questions, spreading a bit of undesirable panic among the other students who, before the AJ started to verbally freak out about the pressure involved in the assignment, thought it was “No biggie.”

The fault-finder: This student delights in interrupting the professor’s sideshow: “I think you spelled that word wrong.”  Then the whole class has to sit in the awkward moment when either the teacher feels embarrassed and makes some kind of joke, or just visibly thinks, “Seriously? You’re a prat,” and continues with the lecture.

The grown-up enthusiast: (Spoiler alert, this one is me.) This usually female classmate cannot keep.her.trap.shut.  Although she shies away from making complex points in front of the whole class (a bit insecure), when put into a small group she often takes over and verbally vomits all over her group mates, somehow tying the material into stories about her toddler and showing pictures of her kid sitting in a box on the table over the break to anyone who will glance at her phone.  She’s got some good ideas, but her lack of grownup time during the rest of the week makes her seem a bit desperate. Because she is.

The Paper-Reader: This student almost always has a relatively new news story/academic study to offer when discussing anything from the text book.  More often than not, the story is not quite on target with what we’re supposed to be talking about, and creates some quiet time in which we all look at him (or her) and think to ourselves: “Well now…what do ya do with that?”

The Eater: Pretty self-explanatory.  My message to you: this is not your house, nor is it a movie theater.  And also, if you bring pizza and make me smell it for 3 hours, I will hate you. (To be precise, there seem to be two variants to this student.  There’s the fast food eater, who usually causes me to swing into Wendy’s on my way home, and the granola eater, who usually literally eats granola.  With her fingers.  Out of a stainless steel container. They both annoy me equally.)

The end.

Posted in Day to day, Rambles | 1 Comment »

I wish someone would have told me that being a grownup means that sometimes you have heartache even when good things are happening.

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing, because I built my life around you.  But time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older, too.

So tomorrow I start school again, full time.  I will be away from my child on a regular schedule, more often than just teaching piano, which I still do, and on top of teaching a class at a school in town.  And I feel so very confused by it all.

That’s not true at all.

I’m not confused.  When I found the school and the program I’d be attending, it felt like such the right choice that I wondered why I had never seen it before.  And when I called to inquire about the possible teaching position and then got the job, it was miraculous.  And when I see my kids playing piano, even after a long summer vacation, and feel proud of them, I know that teaching piano is a good addition to my life, too.

And yet, there will be less time.

Less time to be at home full-time, which I think, in all honesty, I would love to do.

And I think, also, that if I were home full-time, forever, I would also miss out on some OTHER things that I really want to do.

I want both SO BAD. Ack.

I’m excited to be Erin again.  Although I’m still so amazed to wake up every day and be Cy’s Mommy.  (Don’t you love the first time another child calls you that? “Cy’s Mommy?  Can I share his snack, too?” or “Cy’s Mommy?  Can we come over and play again tomorrow?”)  I’ve cried every night for three days thinking about getting in the car and driving off to another part of my life, one that I don’t share with my son or anyone else.  One where people might not even know that I’m a mother.  That they might not even see me in that role that has over-rode (over-ridden?) every.other.role. I’ve had in the last two years.

But I can’t deny that I felt (STILL FEEL) so much peace when I thought through this decision early this summer.  When I prayed about it and when I applied and fought for it and when I arranged my schedule so precariously and packed this September so full that I am actually scared of what it will feel like.  And then added some more.

He’s almost two, and I guess it’s as good a time as any to get going on some more of my personal needs and goals, and work towards more stability for our little family as well.

But I’m seriously thinking about pushing bedtime back half an hour (15 minutes?) so that I won’t miss it.  Even if he does choose other people to read him stories, I kind of like the idea of being an option.  You know?

Posted in Day to day, Mommy Upkeep, My fabulous future, Rambles | 1 Comment »

The Quest for the Perfect Vacuum

Monday, August 9th, 2010

So.  I’m a bit of a vacuumer.  I like to have clean floors.  All winter I think, “I can’t wait for summer so that the floors won’t get so dirty!” and then all summer I think, “I can’t wait for winter so the floors don’t get so dirty!”  I think I’m realizing that floors just get dirty.  Up until recently I used 4 (FOUR) devices in my clean floor quest.

First, the Carpet Sweeper.

I love this thing.  I originally bought it because Cy was TERRIFIED of the vacuum cleaner. (He’s not anymore.)  But I became addicted.  It does a GREAT job on hardwood floors and short carpets.  It’s quick, it’s easy, it’s easy to clean up.  I want to buy another one so I don’t have to bring the one I have upstairs and downstairs all the time.  But that might be overkill.  Maybe.

Second, I use a Stick Vacuum cleaner…

I use this in the kitchen, hallways, anywhere where dustbunnies accumulate and when I want to get up the million Cheerios left behind after breakfast.  When I don’t to use the beast.

Which brings me to…The BEAST:

It’s great.  Except that I actually sprained my diaphragm hauling it up the stairs one day.  Not even kidding.  It weighs 40,894 lbs.  It worked well, but I always avoided using it and therefore used EVERY OTHER THING IN THE WORLD, including a old, broken -down version of one of these to do the molding, walls, ceiling and other cracks and crevices that I didn’t want to haul the big vacuum around for.

In short: it was a freaking hassle.

Until…this…

Oh the Dyson.  The Dyson that has LITERALLY replaced everything except for the Carpet Sweeper, that cleans the floors and the molding and the ceiling and the mini-blinds and the STAIRS and even my child.  Yes, I have vacuumed my child with this vacuum.  That’s how good it is.

I even got a super deal on it.  I saw it online for much less than it was in the local Sears…but I had read in Parenting Magazine about “bartering,” so I used the “I’d love to keep my business local, but unless you can do a price match I’ll have to get it online.” (Did you read that too?) And then I WALKED AWAY from the PERFECT VACUUM and mourned the shipping time awaiting me.  And then the salesman found me and made a deal.  And then I felt very powerful indeed.

I actually had a dream about this vacuum.  It was PERFECT except for one thing…the wand kept me from being able to get up close to things with the hose.  I was kind of put out…worried that it’d get cumbersome and I’d have to go back to the canister to get under the couch, etc…but then I had a dream that I could detach the wand part and just use the hose with the other attachments.  I actually troubleshooted the problem in my DREAMS, and when I tried it it WORKED.  And that’s how obsessed I am.  And how perfect the vacuum is.

And that is the end of the story.

Except that now I have my eye on this:

Ahhh.  Clean floors. Niiiceeee.

Nothing in this post was sponsored, but if anyone wants to give me free vacuums or mops after the fact…I’m always game…

Posted in Interesting finds, Rambles | No Comments »

Goodbye Facebook.

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Soooooo……I’m giving up Facebook.

Is this worth posting about?

Yes. Yes it is.

For the record, I’ve really loved Facebook for keeping in touch with people from all the different parts of my life.  I like to update with pictures of my son throughout the day for family who live out of town, or to just generally brag about his cuteness…and I have always tried to keep things low-key.  Happy updates, maybe some griping about lack of sleep (what Mom isn’t comforted by knowing another Mom is up at 2am as well?)  but even still it’s started to become the wrong kind of distraction.  More and more I have to wonder about the social ramifications of friending or unfriending someone.  Before I go, however, I’d like to share some thoughts I’ve had with you.  These thoughts have been spinning around in my head for months now. MONTHS. (Thoughts, by the way, that have used up valuable brain space. Looking forward to freeing that up.)  My hope is that if you read this, you will not feel like what I’m writing is in response to something you did on Facebook.  Please do not think that I’m writing this message for you or someone else in particular. I’m sharing the following thoughts because I have seen SO MANY PEOPLE get caught up in these situations.  I’ve even gotten caught up in a few.  I finally just have to say something so that it can get out of my head.

#1) Facebook is not a substitute for a real conversation, much less a real relationship.

Quite simply, Facebook has made people lazy.  Myself included.  It’s easy to write a note on someone’s birthday (a birthday I wouldn’t have remembered without facebook’s reminders) or feel like a good friend when I offer some supportive words on facebook.  But it’s not real.  If  Facebook augments a real relationship, it can be great.  But if you use it INSTEAD of actually fostering a relationship, it’s an illusion of friendship.  And I want to put real effort into my friendships. Facebook is also something to hide behind.  It is so much easier to write a wall post than confront someone that you need to have a conversation with. Easier, but not better.

In the next few days I’ll be going through my friends list and getting the contact info from my “friends.” Please, feel free to email me/call me/set up a time to come visit.  My email address is: erinhattaway@gmail.com or littlekitegirl@gmail.com.  As for my blog-friends, you’ll probably see me getting off my lazy-butt and actually clicking over from Google Reader to leave an actual comment on your actual blog.  Holy whoa.  Right?

#2) Facebook is not my only option.

It seems more and more that when someone leaves Facebook, people think, “Oh no, how will I talk to them?”  This, to me, is indicative of a pretty big problem.  Pick up the phone and call.  Email.  There are even other chat applications like AIM or Google Chat that will allow you to “chat” without a dose of daily drama, served up to you by the same people selling you Ugg boots in the sidebars and asking you to comment on the fact that someone’s brother-in-law just found a poor little seahorse and gave it a new home.

For those who like seeing pictures of my son, I’m going to be posting them here now.  We’re not going to make you jump through hoops or sign into another site.  It’ll just be right here, open to those who’d like to stay in the loop.  I’ve got some prep work to do before I can get it all up and running, but be patient and you’ll get your updates soon enough.  Thanks for expressing interest in seeing him.  Because that’s important to me.  I LOVE that you like to keep up with how he’s growing, that you enjoy seeing his truck tucked neatly into his cereal bowl.  Technology allows us to share so much, and I will not take that for granted.  But I’d just like to do it on my own terms.  Also, trusting Facebook security is a joke anyway, and we’re not as wary of the Internet as we were in the beginning.  So I’ll be posting pictures, videos, and daily updates right here on this site and I would LOVE it if you would stop by.  Leave comments.  Email me, call me, or set up a time to get together so that you can see my son live and in person.

Do remember though, that just because you can see him doesn’t mean he can see you.  And if you want to be a part of his life, showing up when he’s 15 and saying, “I’ve seen you grow up on Facebook!” isn’t going to make him feel a closeness to you.  You are welcome to get to know him in person.  Have him learn your name, or the car you drive…which seems to be how he identifies people lately? Oh boy… Let’s set up a playdate.  It doesn’t need to be all the time, we’re all busy.  If we can swing a visit once a year or more, it’s better than nothing.  It’s better than an anonymous relationship with extended family or once dear friends over Facebook.  Hey! I’d even be willing to set up a Skype Chat with any family members or friends who wanted to say hi to my little boy “in person” but can’t make the drive.

#3) I don’t have to put up with the bad to get the good.

I had a lot of people say “I have totally been tempted to give up Facebook, too! I just can’t.”  And I felt that way.  There are SO MANY PEOPLE that I only talk to because of Facebook, but you know what? I’m going to try and make this work.  I’m going to try and reach out, make the same facets of my life that I LOVE sharing on Facebook available through this site, make more phone calls, visit people more often.  I think we can do it.  I don’t have to put up with all the bad to get the good.  I’m going to figure out how to get the good.  And it’ll be just fine.

4) I refuse to be part of a community where bullies go unchecked.

Facebook is used to bully every day.  I’ve seen it happen to my family, I’ve seen it happen to friends, I’ve seen it happen to people I don’t even know.  One person makes a comment about someone, and all of a sudden you’ve got a group of people talking about the “incident” or the “information” or whatever is circulating.  In a matter of seconds, with a few clicks of a mouse or keys on a keyboard a misunderstanding or a legitimate and private disagreement between two people can become one vs. the many.  I will not always be able to avoid this in life.  People are going to bully other people and say hurtful things in public forums and cast shame on their family and friends in a million different ways.  But this is one way, one place, that I don’t have to be.  I can simply not. log. in.  I can provide myself with other avenues of communication.  And that’s what I intend to do.

So those are my beefs with Facebook.  It’s going to be like ripping off a bandaid, I’m pretty sure.  I’ll probably miss having my statuses “liked,” which is always a bit of validation for me at the end of the day.  I’ll miss seeing the pictures you’ll post, although the people who post pictures on Facebook tend to have blogs I follow as well.  And I’ll miss the distraction, something to stare at when I really rather not be dealing with whatever I have to deal with at the moment.  But I think we all know without saying that it’s probably better in those moments to decompress in other ways.

I will not miss reading some piece of gossip about someone I don’t even know and thinking, “BURN! That was harsh!” because we could all deal with less harsh things in our lives.  I won’t miss worrying about un-friending someone I still care about but just don’t want to see the sordid details of their life they provide online, or the politics of who I friend or don’t and why. I will not miss political rants.  One. Little Bit.  Or the lost seahorses.  Or Mafia Wars, which I tried to “hide” a million times and it WOULD NOT GO AWAY.

And who knows? Maybe I’ll be more well-read, make  more time for running and being outside and away from the software application that I’ve let in so many ways determine what I think about, who I stay in touch with, what I want and who I talk to and what I have to say.

So goodbye Facebook.  Let me be clear.  It’s not me.  It’s You. ;)

Posted in Blogging, Rambles, Random unpleasant things | 2 Comments »

I prefer my roads well-traveled, thank you.

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010

Ever since I wrote this post I’ve been thinking about that Robert Frost poem.  I used to LOVE IT. I didn’t care if it was cliche or was read at almost everyone’s graduations (Aim for the moon, then if you miss, you’ll land among the stars!) but I have to tell you, all of a sudden, I don’t buy it.

Sure, there are plenty of people that do extraordinary things.  People who invent things or discover things or create things.  But honestly, the vast majority of us will live lives in a smaller (yet not unimportant) way, our legacy being our children and the strangers we made into friends and the change we put into play in our communities or jobs or just our homes.  And for some reason, even though the stats are against us, we try to convince children that they need to be extra special.  Smarter.  Faster.  Destined fo great things. Greater than what their parents did.  Greater than what their grandparents did.

What’s so wrong with what they did?

When I graduated college, when I got married, before I had a child, I wanted to be a name.  I wanted people to hear my name and want my opinion and think I was intelligent, a good judge of worth, someone worth listening to.

Now I want to raise my son well.  I want to help provide for my family.  I want to love and support my husband and reach out to my friends and be there for my Mom and Dad and brother if they should ever need me one day.  I want to read good books and teach school and have life insurance.  And a small house.  Maybe a dog, if Camper convinces me one day.

All of this has been done before, it’s the human way.  Some of us will break off, do amazing things that will influence the entire world.  The rest of us will influence a smaller, just as important world.  We’ll give babies baths and administer tests or deliver mail or cook dinner or operate a piece of machinery.  The path we’ll go down has deep ruts from all the people who have gone before, but they are comfortable ruts, carved out by people who loved us and dreamed about our futures.  And by sticking our wheels in those ruts, we’ll go through all kinds of experiences and learn sadness and joy.  And that kind of ordinary life sounds extraordinary to me.

Just sayin’

Posted in Rambles | 3 Comments »

To Be Invited

Friday, June 11th, 2010

Oh life.  To be honest, I have a really good life.  But sometimes I think reading other people’s blogs and catching up with people on Facebook gets me down.  Maybe if the things I left behind would just stay behind, I could be happier right now.  Maybe without all the pictures and records I could have just faint memories to make me happy, and then of course the people who are still in my life to share things with now.  Things that we share NOW.

But no.  This weekend will be the Scranton reunion.  Class of ’05.  Interestingly enough, although I started out at Scranton in ’01, I didn’t graduate in ’05, and I didn’t graduate from Scranton.  I graduated in ’08 from BYU, a world away.  My junior year in college brought a lot of changes.  I hadn’t concerned myself with who I was for about three years.  I basically immersed myself in a new group of people, a new culture, a new place- with good and bad results.  About three years into it I was happy with what I had become.  I found friends that I love with my whole heart to this day.  I learned how to be a good friend to them. (Still learning.)  I figured a lot of stuff out about education and the direction I wanted my life to go, and I wasted a lot of time doing nothing.  Being 18, 19, 20, 21.  It was glorious.  But then I realized that with this new self that had developed, someone more confident and happy and more educated- that I needed to add back in some of the things that made me who I was before.  And that meant God.  Now Scranton was a Jesuit University, which meant that we talked about God a LOT.  Theology was part of the curriculum.  There were statues of Saints on the campus and every afternoon the bells on one of the dormitories rang out in hymns. (3pm?) And I will always, always love the Catholic faith.  I don’t know if it is nostalgia or appreciation or just the truth and friends I found there, but I love it.  And I always will.  But during that time I had forgotten what it meant to be a Latter Day Saint.  I had gotten really relaxed about my specific religion, and I thought that I needed to figure out whether I believed it for myself once and for all.  Long story short, I figured out that I did.  I really, really did believe in the LDS faith, and when I figured that out I realized that I needed to do something about it.

So I went on a mission.

I remember a lot of my friends and professors asking me, “Why now? Why not wait a year and graduate and go then?” And I had no answer except “God can see my life from beginning to end.  If he thinks it should be now, who am I to question?” And I knew that I was supposed to go.  And it ripped my heart out.  And with every graduation picture I see, or reunion that I don’t get an invite to (people who take a leave-of-absence and never come back aren’t on the list) it STILL hurts.  But even now when I ask myself that question, “Why now?” I see faces in my mind.  People in England, where I went, families that were hurting that the Gospel put back together.  Maybe any missionary could have done it, maybe anyone with our message could have offered those people what they were looking for.  But I was there.  I did it.  And I’m amazingly grateful for those pictures in my mind, the faces of people who taught me what Christian service was.

And then BYU.  I finished my degree, planted my shallow roots in an area just long enough to find John.  Possibly the only person in this entire world to be as loving and as patient and as perfect for me as I need him to be.  And then there was my Camper.  Our baby that we were going to wait until we were financially ready for, our child that we were going to wait to have, which we didn’t…end up waiting for…And I wouldn’t have it any other way.  And we struggle.  Every day we struggle to provide for ourselves, to use what little time and energy we have to build a life for our little family, and we love each other.  And we get to live with my parents, who are devoted, life-long parents.  People who relish the nearness of their grandson and their children.  And through all of this I’ve learned what family means, and how amazing it is to have people to count on.  People who make life better, who bear each other’s burdens.

And even still, this weekend, that life I gave up beckons me.  It calls and makes me wish I could have had BOTH lives.  The one I have now filled with people, and the one I left behind with graduation hats and tassels and me finishing a PhD right now and becoming the academic I always wanted to be.  But I can’t have both, and I’m glad that out of the two, I have the one filled with love and people with arms to hug me a little hand reaching out to me to help him go down a slide.  I just wish, I guess, that I got an invitation.  That I could go and show my friends from then who I am now, introduce them to John and Camper and catch up.  I wish that in giving up that last year that I could still belong to that group of people.  That would be nice.  Even though I would be welcomed, if I could afford to go, people would want to see me again.  Still, it would be nice to get an invitation.

While I was on mission a woman gave a talk and asked us to think of sacrifice less as sacrifice, as more as consecration.  We weren’t giving things up for the Lord, we were giving things TO him.  And we were asked, that day as well, “Do you really think that what you’re giving up in any way compares to what He has to give you?” So I cling to that.  To think that I’m already so blessed, and that what I gave up will seem small.  This heartache I feel is nothing compared to what I’ve been spared NOT following the way that I know I should go.  It’s the hardest part about not being two travelers.  Not even one and a half.  Just me, and I am where I am.  And it’s a good place to be.

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Posted in Rambles, Religious | 2 Comments »

A Good Mother

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

mother-and-child

To be called a “good mother” is perhaps one of the more powerful motivating factor in any mom’s life.  Even mothers who claim not to need that kind of validation do need it.  But it seems to me, lately, that the definition of “good mom” is less the opposite of “bad mom” and more in contradiction to the “lazy mom.”

So really, when we are told “You’re such a good mom!” because of something we’ve done with our children, it’s because we look proactive, we’re doing something caring or loving or energetic that is above and beyond the call  of duty to keep our children clean and fed and basically…away from mortal peril.  So on the days when we make handicrafts and go for walks and then have a long string of pictures to put up on Facebook or er…a blog…and we are called “A Good Mom,” it feels good.  Until the day we wake up and feel tired or trapped and turn on the TV and eat food out of cans all day and just mope.  Then, although we probably STILL played with our kids all day and gave them love and attention, the lack of something to hang on the fridge or a picture to put online or cheerful story about the day means that we are a Bad. Mom. Lazy. Mom.  And no one leaves a comment to that effect, but that’s what the lack of comments feels like.

I love it when people tell me, “You’re such a good mom!” in response to something I’ve done.  But the majority of days goes by where I’m just doing my thing, hoping I’m doing ok.  And the thing is, even on the days when my kid gets chicken nuggets for every meal and when I spend most of the day on the couch watching things on the DVR, or when I check out mentally and let someone else (i.e. John) handle the child’s needs I STILL know I’m a good mom.  But what can I put on Facebook to prove it?

Sidenote: not everything I put on Facebook is to that effect, mostly it’s to let people see how my child has grown, keep up with people I miss, show the cute things he does. But I’ll admit it, sometimes I brag.  And I want people to NOTICE WHAT I DO ALL DAY. You do the same thing, admit it.

When I went to school I got grades, I got feedback from professors, I was told that I had talent and that I was smart.  I was something special.  When I worked I got things done.  I accomplished goals and made people laugh.  People liked to be around me because we had fun.  I liked to be around people because they were fun.  I added something to the mix.  I wonder if this is why we’ve had a SAHMblogsplosion.  We’ve got a new generation of Moms that have been to school, been out in the workforce and are either still there WHILE being a full-time parent or have chosen to stay at home.  And we all need validation, dammit. (And just to clarify, I get plenty.  I’m just pondering.)

When I think about my Mom’s Mom, I don’t picture her as needing ANY kind of validation at all.  She raised all her children (a LOT of children) she cooked and cleaned and warned her grandchildren of the dangers of eating too many strawberries from the garden.  What made her so different from me?  Why could she go about her day, DAYS, and just do what needed to be done, enjoy what she enjoyed, make the choices that she could make and get on with it.  Did she obsess with other moms about which milk to use or the benefits of reading books with her children or about what kind of soap to chose?  I’m guessing she did not.  But maybe she did.  Maybe she received validation in ways I didn’t see or pay attention to.  Maybe she spent time wanting it.  Is it the internet that has allowed us to draw out every aspect of motherhood in deliberation, or is it this new generation of moms?  Or did my grandmothers do it too, we just don’t have an internet record of it, so it doesn’t seem like it actually happened?

I really wonder about this stuff.  And more than that, I wonder what Good Moms did on Lazy Mom days when they didn’t have DVRs.  Hmmmm…..

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Posted in Day to day, Rambles | 4 Comments »

Panic, Lies and a Few Other Bits and Pieces

Monday, October 26th, 2009

I very rarely perpetuate internet drama.  But something about this gives me a bit of a forum to say some things I’ve been wanting to say anyway (kind of).  So here goes.

Have you ever had a feeling about an experience that was SO BIG that you knew the truth wouldn’t illicit the sympathy you needed from others? So then when you told the story you told it from the point of view of how it FELT instead of how it was?  And then somehow that just became the truth to you?  I know I have.  I’ll admit it.  Nothing public, recent…and really… nothing I remember specifically…but I do have a feeling that I’ve done that before.  Maybe some of the memories I think are true are actually a result of that kind of thought process.  I don’t know.

Tonight I read this story about a woman claiming that TSA separated her from her son while putting them through security screening.  She describes a harrowing experience that completely contradicts what the TSA says they will do. Scary stuff.  I’m not writing about whether or not she is lying.  (Not entirely, anyway.)  Especially since in the end it turns out the TSA has a blog. (Anyone else out there finding this hysterical?)  And they went all out and posted all the footage from the woman going through security.  And there she is, and there the kid is, the whole time.  She says they doctored the footage.  They said they didn’t.  Whatever.

Moving on to my issues/opinions.  Because we all know I have them and you’re here with me now to get an eyeball full.  No?

#1) KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT and then DON’T HAND THEM YOUR KID

For the record, TSA says that they will never, ever separate you from your child. Back in the days when I was planning for a trip I read their website and thought to myself: “If someone tries to take my child from me, or insists that we are separated in any way, it means that they are BADIES and probably not really TSA.”  I made a mental note to not let that happen.  The first problem I have with her account of the situation is that she says she HANDED THEM HER SON.  (Her words, not mine.) If they took the child away, SHE LET THEM TAKE HIM.  I’d be all, “EXCUSE ME, you can wave your little wand over him and swab him with your swabs, but if you say you need to HOLD HIM or TAKE HIM, you best be getting some po po up in here to escort me out of this airport, because that’s not happening.”  Being a Mom means being able to see when people are trying to play you and taking care of the situation and your child.   No one is perfect and Moms make mistakes.  But for goodness sakes, don’t hand them your kid.

#2) DON’T TAKE DRUGS

She says all kinds of stuff in her blog entry that get to me…but the biggest thing that upset me was the fact that as soon as she got through security and had 5 minutes to catch her flight…she detoured into the bathroom to pop a Xanax.  Ok. I don’t know anything about Xanax…but if I am the only person around to take care of my child, you better believe I’m not going to drug myself.  I don’t even take NyQuil without forewarning the household and making sure that my husband will be able to wake up for the kiddo if he needs to.  (I honestly just took sleepy causing medicine for the first time in over two YEARS last week.)  Just in CASE it hits me harder than it ever has before.  Just in CASE I am unable to fucntion.  Maybe Xanax is an opposite kind of drug…where it makes you HIGHER functioning if you’re the kind of person who needs it.  But here’s another unwanted and judgemental opinion: If you are the type of person who may need Xanax because of unexpected delays or what you judge to be unfair treatment in an airport, DO NOT TRAVEL ALONE WITH A CHILD. Period.

And here’s a little life secret: YOUR SANITY AND ABILITY TO CARE FOR YOUR CHILD CANNOT DEPEND ON THE WORLD’S COOPERATION WITH YOUR PLANS AND PREFERENCES. You simply need to be able to suck it up and take care of yourself and your child.

And I can say that because I am a nervous person. (No medical issues with nervousness, not diagnosed anyway.  I just get nervous about stuff and like to prepare for the just in cases when possible.)  And when I took my first flight across the country with Camper I brought backup in the form of my Mother.   Just in case.  Because my kid is too important to me to risk a nervous meltdown with no one else around. (And good thing I’m HER kid and important to her, too.  Seriously grateful for her.)  (For the record and because I need one more parenthetical statement here,  I was super fine the whole time, even when I went through the whole extra screening that this woman did and more.  I was just fine.)

#3) Don’t exaggerate

You know what?  If she had gotten on her blog and written: “They searched me for a LONG time and even stood between me and my child.  It was humiliating and the people were impatient and I was freaked. There were people everywhere, my stuff was everywhere, and I felt separated from my son. I was absolutely panicked.”  I would have been ENRAGED for her.  Because they need to get a system where a mother doesn’t feel like her child is out of reach in a stroller while she is searched.  From the video it seemed like the TSA agent sometimes stood between her and her baby.  In my case we were brought into a plastic room where Camper was searched and then sat AWAY from the entrance in his stroller while the woman searched me. I never felt like she was between us or that he could be snatched by people walking by.  Boils down to this: You don’t have to lie.  You could have told me someone looked cross eyed at your baby in the bathroom and I would have pumped my fist, “O NO SHE DIDN’T!” Ok, maybe not.  But sometimes we need to remember that we can have sympathy for how we felt, even if it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

#4) Equip yourself

I’m not the type of person to say “That woman is crazy, she shouldn’t have a child.”  Because here’s the thing.  Everyone’s a little crazy.  We all have our issues, but our job as parents is to keep our kids safe from our issues.  Think of it this way: if you had epilepsy and it was out of control, you wouldn’t go on a trip alone with an infant.  If there was any chance that you would have a seizure and your kid would be at the mercy of whoever was walking by, you’d probably bring someone with you.  Avoid going.  Wait until your problem was under control.  Panic disorders are just as much a medical problem as epilepsy. If you think you are going to freaking lose your cool, it’s your responsibility to a) avoid situations where your kid could be mistreated/taken while you are losing your cool b) wait til it’s under control or c) bring someone WITH YOU.  Sometimes just having someone there can be the calming influence you need to keep even MECIAL problems under control, as a lot of issues are triggered by stress/fear/etc.

The End.

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Posted in Interesting finds, Rambles, Random unpleasant things | 2 Comments »

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