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“We Have a Compass”

Sunday, October 4th, 2009

So hey! Time for a religious post! Yay!

I spent all of today watching General Conference. For those of you who may not know- I’m Mormon- and Conference is a semi-annual chance to hear from our leaders. Men and women who hold different responsibilities in the worldwide church (as opposed to our leaders at the local level) prepare and give talks, and do it to an audience of about 100,000…or wait…MILLIONS of people thanks the the internet and satellite. The talks are given for the benefit of members of the church and nonmembers alike. The Conference is actually held over two days- but I thought it’d be easier for me to devote one whole day to it rather than two (you know…what with the baby and all) and managed to watch it pretty much nonstop today in our living room (over the internet…with the laptop hooked up to the TV). Camper was good- ate and played and generally put up with being stuck in the house on a day when we’re usually at church- giving him ample opportunity to flirt with girls.

I usually look for something specific in Conference- one talk or one quote that will remind me why I do what I do. Why I give up what I give up, why my faith is so important to me. I don’t think I would have made it through the past year with all it’s heartbreak and WAITING and general harder-than-the-rest-of-my-life-so-far-edness without knowing that God loves me. That He loves my family. And that His timelines aren’t necessarily my timelines. I’ve been able to wait and have patience (sometimes) and trust because of the way I FEEL His love for me. That love is just as palpable to me as my husband’s love, or my parent’s love, or my brother or my son’s love. I don’t think that everyone can say that, I know it hasn’t always been that way for me. But to honestly feel like He knows what I’m going through and He is paying attention to my life, and it just helps.

What I loved about Conference today was one talk by Elder Uchtdorf (click to listen) that encouraged us to embrace what should be the defining characteristic of any Latter Day Saint- or any Christian- for that matter. “How do we become true disciples of Jesus Christ?” Obedience to the commandments, specifically:

Matthew 22:36-39

36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

38 This is the first and great ^acommandment.

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt ^alove thy neighbour as thyself.

Elder Uchtdorf said:

“Because Love is the Great commandment it ought to be at the center of all and everything we do in our own family, in our church callings, and in our livelihood.”

Apparently, the Greatest Happiness we can have as people is to lose ourselves in the service of others. I’m not always so good at this. I can be muy selfish, a lot of the time. But this past week I I’ve really, really tried to serve my family. I’ve tried to attend to some of their needs, and do so without grumbling (which I did ALMOST all the way, I grumble sometimes) and to do it with love. I’ve done it through the only tools available to me these days: food, listening, encouragement, attention, support, food…some more listening. I didn’t do anything revolutionary or different, I just tried to do things in a different spirit…maybe. I know I need to extend this to people outside of my family- but it’s a good start. But what I liked about this message is that the Thing that defines us as a Faith Community isn’t a collection of doctrine or the manner in which we worship. It is the way in which we try to be like Christ. When we try to Love like He does. To serve like He does. As CORNY as that can sound, even to me, sometimes. When we emulate Him we are working towards happiness and security and peace of mind. and HEY, CHECK IT OUT…it’s the THREE THINGS I REALLY REALLY WANT! Happiness….security…peace of mind…It’s that simple. We will become the best versions of ourselves when we try to emulate His characteristics and teachings.

Elder Uchtdorf said:

“Since the beginning of time love has been the source of both the highest bliss and the heaviest burdens. At the heart of misery from the days of Adam until today you will find the love of wrong things and at the heart of joy you will find the love of good things.”

I love that. Unhappiness comes from loving the wrong things. From resentment and anger and unhealthy desires for more than we have. Happiness comes from loving good things. Our families and our roles and from wanting more than what we have, in a healthy way. In the way that makes up get up in the morning and work hard and try to be better.

I like this because this is something I can focus on. This isn’t above me. It isn’t too hard to remember or to complex to implement in my life. All I have to do is figure out ways to show love to people around me and to love good things. All good things. To love God, not because He needs me to, but because to get out of my HEAD and to realize how loved I AM, I need to love him.

And finally:

“Divine Love is the factor that transforms reluctant compliance with God’s commandments into blessed dedication and consecration.”

If you’re wondering how to become that kind of person, the kind that gives and serves and believes as if it is just a part of her, a person who lifts and inspires other people and who can weather a crisis with enduring faith and perspective, it’s through love. God’s love can transform us from people just doing what we do because we feel like we should do it to people who do what we do because it is a part of us. And we GET that love by serving the people around us. By trying to show them love until we feel it, or trying to show them love that we already feel. That’s my goal. And I’m probably going to be working on it for awhile.

Tags: love, religion
Posted in Rambles, Religious | No Comments »

What things cost.

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009

So.

This morning was my first morning at Target. I did the whole orientation thing yesterday, which was really just watching movies and doing paperwork. Afterward I felt pretty good- but still in the back of my head I wondered if it’d be worth it. 3am is early, and my little boy is going through a rough spurt with sleeping again. As The Keeper of the Schedule, I wondered if I could be away so often and not see repercussions. I wondered if the money was worth it- especially since I’d only need to do 2.5 more hours of piano a week to make up the difference. And I’m getting new students lately. Except that it’s never a sure thing. I felt everyone around me barely keeping themselves from saying, “Don’t do it.” But I think they must have known that I had to do it for myself, to figure some things out.

So I went. I woke up at 2am, showered (rather luxuriously, actually. I had time to shave my legs and just sit and steam for a few minutes) threw some laundry in, and ate breakfast alone in the kitchen (John made me muffins last night) and then headed out. When I got there I approached the crowd of about 10 people at the door and said, “Hello. I was worried I’d have to stand out here all alone. I’m new.” And then I apparently grew 4 heads and shot a rocket out of my butt, because no one said a word. They just stared. And smoked. And mumbled things to each other, the only intelligible word being the “F” word. And no, I don’t mean formula.

We got into the building and a guy handed me a metal thing and said, “You’ll need this. Follow them.” I was all, “Whoa…what is this? It’s a KNIFE!” Honestly, I’ve never had a job where they gave me a knife before. Let me think about that…yeah. Nope. Never a knife. So I followed the herd and was given an assignment…and just went about it. Get the boxes into the aisles. Get the stuff onto the shelf. It was actually a pretty intense workout, and aside from the fact that I was FREAKING PARANOID that I was going to cut myself in my pocket with my knife (conversation: “This thing makes me nervous.” “What thing?” “This knife thing. It just slides to open. There’s not safety. That’s it. Things slide in my pocket all the time.” “It won’t slide open in your pocket.” “Shouldn’t they give us a special little belt for this? I mean, I could cut my leg AND my new pants.” “It won’t slide open in your pocket.” silence. “You’re sure you’ve NEVER heard of anyone cutting their leg open?”) and that I could never remember where I set my water bottle…it was just eh. For about an hour. Then it got bad.

I have to tell you that I almost named this post “My Night with the Fringe People.” Some of the people there were normal and nice, and some were not. A lot of them were really petty, like small children squabbling over who had to do what. I helped one guy for FIVE MINUTES and he was all glowing grateful. That’s sad. In my house we help each other a lot. It’s part of what people do for other people. It’s actually…you know…part of what life is about. Not there. You claim your “job” and then you do it as fast and as crappily as you can, and then you pawn off anything you don’t want to do on people who know less, who are new, or who get caught standing around looking for something to do. One guy stood in an aisle for 3 minutes bellowing, “WHO’S AISLE IS THIS???” Finally I said, “HOLY CRAP, I’LL DO IT WHEN I’M DONE WITH THIS ONE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO DO IT THAT BAD.” The manager came by and said, “Hey, do you have any questions?” And I said, “Yeah, what is all this “Who’s aisle is this?” stuff? Aren’t we just supposed to keep working throgh them?” (I actually wanted to know.) He laughed and walked away.

Other main topics of conversation: Child support and the lack of it, the fact that they were working this job just to “f* with” child support (apparently you max out on hours at Target around 20…which means they can tell their babymammas that they are doing everything they can while still providing diddly squat), more than I’d like to know about what young older men “team members” think that younger men “team members” do in the lotion aisle at 4am, the places they like to party, the places they like to stick their kids so that they can party…there were some hardcore crazy people there. Then there were the super serious workers who looked down on the partiers. They didn’t say a word to me. And then there were the fringe people. Some, like me, who looked uncomfortable at the surprising juxtaposition of the Target Culture in the orientation video and the allowances made to the “Flow Team.” Who are apparently allowed to tease each other about homosexuality, masturbation, infidelity, as well as loss of teeth, eyes and other vital body parts.

One guy was really nice, and asked me about Camper and about why I’m working and about everything. He asked me my last jobs and about my education and my experience, and then asked, “Why are you working here?” I said, “Because…”

As I put stuff on shelves, things that I would have loved for Camper, to decorate our home, books and music and food…I just kept thinking, “You know what? I might be stuck, and we might be poor. But I don’t NEED this.” As in literally, that piece of something that I was putting on the shelf- it all seemed so…seasonal. Cheap. Unimportant. More than just stuff… I want to build up a savings account, I want to be able to buy nice things for Christmas, I’d like an iphone. I want a house and a second car. I want to be more self-sufficient, and I want to get out of debt. But the money for the experience- what would it cost me to work this job? So much, it seems.

First: Sleep. And not just mine. John got no sleep last night. Camper got no sleep last night. I doubt many people got much sleep last night. So this isn’t just my sacrifice to make.

Second: Health. Autoimmune disorder and lack of sleep. That’s all I have to say.

Third: Time. I bet you a million dollars that my son will never, never remember if we buy him one thing or no things or eighteen things for Christmas this year. (A perk of kids being born so young. They don’t really remember that kind of stuff.) The number of presents he opens at Christmas will in no way become a part of his character. And that part of me that made it a part of mine is gone now. If I have to choose between being there Christmas morning surrounded by things, or being here every morning when my kid wants to eat and cuddle and tell me his dreams…then I know where I want to be. Here. I have no. freaking. idea. how I got that messed up.

Fourth: Sanity. They already started to play the game, “You have to stay five or ten more minutes.” “Well, my husband has to go to work, I have to leave now.” “Well, that team could use some help over there.” (The same team that was working freaking slow all night and being super childish.) “I was told I could leave by 8. I did the tasks I was assigned. I’m going home now.” And then I worried about MY behavior, although THEY were the ones not being up front and honest with expectations. I hate that crap.

Fifth: Self-respect. It was so hard to be with those people. And before that sounds AWFUL, let me explain. Honestly, I can’t say I’ve made better choices than them or have a better plan. I’m not smarter than anyone or better in any way. We were all different and if I got to know them better I’m sure they’d all have their own strengths and talents. But the horrible things everyone around me seemed to be saying….it was bad. I respect myself, and I love my family. And I act like it. I don’t say dirty things about my spouse to my coworkers. I don’t say dirty things to my coworkers period. (Ok Anisa, maybe you. That one time.) I don’t demean my child or his importance in my life, or talk about him like he’s a bill to pay. When I do work, whatever it is, I want to do it well. There is no kind of work that is beneath me, and if the environment had been different there this morning, I could totally see myself going back. Exercise combined with money is a good thing. But I felt like crap the whole time I was there, half wondering if anyone had ever used their slidey knife in self-defense. It made me disappointed in people. And if you don’t need to have something in your life that does that, don’t.

Sixth: Flexibility. The job is not flexible. They said it was. It’s not. The end.

Seventh: Time. Can we go back to time for just a second? I don’t know how long we’re going to be struggling. I don’t know that there won’t be a time when John and I will both have to work job on top of job to make ends meet, barely. But right now I have time. We have a place to live where we have minimized our costs. We have family around that love us. We have a son who changes more in one day than most adults do in a month. I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to add unnecessary things to my life that crowd out the good.

So yes. I learned a lot last night. I learned that I prefer budgeting over trying to find a way to make just a few more bucks. I learned that HOLY CRAP MY MOM WAS A GENIUS when she suggested I teach piano, and I’m going to put more effort into it. Because I just realized that I love doing it. I might even start taking lessons again myself to work on my confidence. I learned that when I feel bad about myself because of what we don’t have, I am WAY off base. We might not have money or the independence we want RIGTH NOW, but we’re working on it. The best we can. And I learned that I’m going to give myself like, 50 Christmas presents this year. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning between now and then with my kid and my husband.

The end.

Tags: error in judgment, ew, gross, interesting turn of events, not so much, sad
Posted in Adventures, Rambles, Random unpleasant things | 4 Comments »

Me Time

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

I think I have an idea as to what our President can do with the recently evicted Guantanamo Bay residents. Make them edit video using Windows MovieMaker while listening to Yo Gabba Gabba in the background. Has no one suggested this? But as John (and the family Mac…ok…his Mac are away) I didn’t have another option when it came to recording/editing my response to this. I love momversation, and although I TOTALLY don’t agree with some of what is said…that is the POINT. I left a comment on their post, but I thought I’d write up a little something and post my own response. Here is their piece:

Ok…harshness and DECEPTION? I’ve actually been thinking about this all day, and in reflecting I’ve come up with 4 easy to remember bullet points that summarize my feeling about this topic.

1. IF YOU LIE ABOUT HAVING ME TIME, YOUR FAMILY WILL NEVER KNOW YOU NEED ME TIME.

I capitalized this because HELLO. It’s a need! It’s not “harsh,” getting out of the house and away from your family isn’t negative unless you MAKE it negative. Lying, sneaking, and grumping make it negative. Just DO IT. Just get out. If you lie and sneak away, they will never learn how to take care of you, how to make room for your needs, or the cost of your sanity. I think that lying about what you do to stay sane feeds into the picture perfect mom ideal- the one who never needs a moment to herself and who can juggle all the balls in the family court without any help. I thought we weren’t going to pretend anymore, moms? Let’s get real. One last thing: If you are getting upset and overwhelmed a lot, and your husband says, “What can I do?” or even a sarcastic, “What do you want me to do about it?” If you don’t answer him or tell him that you need some time to yourself while he takes care of the kids, you are cheating him out of a chance to make you happy, to actually do something to help, and you have NO right to get mad at him.

2. FORGET THAT STUPID GOLDEN RULE.

So I heard a bit about spouses getting antsy when these moms took a break. The constant texts messages, the phonecalls. Well…Let’s think about how to ameliorate this situation. The rule shouldn’t be “Do to others what you want done to you,” it should be, “Everyone gets what they need.” So I talk to my spouse, I say, “I need to go out for a bit. The baby hasn’t napped today and I’m all flustered. I haven’t gotten a haircut in two months…so that’s where I’ll be.” Realize that this communication TELLS HIM WHAT YOU NEED. No guessing. Then realize that you can help him feel happier about helping YOU. It’s called helping HIM. Realize that he might not want to go out and get his hair cut, he might want something DIFFERENT in his life so he can cope. Maybe you’ll find out something that brightens his day is greeting him when he comes home, and asking how his day is. I can see how that’s difficult when kids need to be fed, put to bed, you haven’t had a second to yourself all day…But realize that this is just as important to him as your “me-time” will be to you. Ask for what you need to feel sane, find out what HE needs to feel same. Reciprocate, and no one will get “mad” about you taking a little bit of “me time.” In other words, COMMUNICATE.

3. GIVE IT TO THEM STRAIGHT.

If you break down and cry about life in frustration, don’t say, “I need some ME TIME.” Honestly, I understand the importance of me time and I even think that sounds dumb. Be specific. “I need to take a bath, a quiet bath, without the baby screaming so that I can get into a better mood. Will you please keep him happy for an hour?” “I need to go walk around the mall with my friend. I need to talk to her for a bit so I can release some of this tension.” Etc. You say to a man, “I need ME TIME,” and he thinks…”Ok, that’s something she figures out on her own. Good. Time for some TV,” not realizing that you are inviting him to HELP YOU. Here’s a formula:

I need to ___________ so that I can ______________.

Start with what you’ve decided you need to do (it’s ok to say, I don’t know…say “need to go for a drive”) and end with a pleasant side-effect (or not negative, in extreme situations “not kill you” would be an appropriate end to that sentence). That way they can see the positive results from helping you achieve the first part of the sentence. (Again, it’s called communication.)

4. DON’T LIE, DON’T DISAPPEAR.

This last part will help everyone be more excited about your “me time.” Do not lie about where you are going or aren’t going, do check in if you’re gone for more than a couple of hours, don’t just disappear without telling people where you are going. If you say you’ll be home in 3 hours, or tomorrow, or right after the movie ends, BE HOME THEN. Don’t set up a habit of leaving your husband hanging, and WOW…he’ll start to trust that after you do what you said you were going to do…you’ll come back when you said you’ll come back…happier, healthier…and all around a better Mom and Wife. Your kids will learn that you need time on their own. They won’t see this as a negative thing, but rather as a benefit of being a human being. Maybe they will learn to seek healthy alone time, too, and make room for it in others. And then we shall establish world peace.

Phew. Yeah. So that’s how I feel about “deception and harshness.” I agree with these Moms on so many levels. I LOVED the eye cover- such a visual thing to show your kids you mean business and need to be left alone. But as for the lying…even little ones can send a negative signal to your family about your needs and your rights as a human person.

Now that you’ve read all this, I’ll show you my video. I have a few problems with my video. First of all, the lighting makes it look like I have no pigment. I do…not a lot…but I do. Also, for some reason it also looks like I only have hair on one side of my head. Hmmmm…maybe I do….Also, the transitions are really rough….stupid Windows Moviemaker, I couldn’t figure it out. And finally, I think I just sound like an idiot. But just like when I first started blogging, I have to just put it out there an hope I get better (and more hair on the right side of my head) in time. So HERE IT IS, my very first VLOG. For your viewing pleasure. Feel free to mock me, but whatever you do, don’t pause me so that I’m just sitting on your screen with a weird expression on my face.

Untitled from Erin Hattaway on Vimeo.

Tags: momversation, vlog, what I think
Posted in Rambles | 4 Comments »

What a Real Knight in Shining Armor Looks Like

Thursday, July 9th, 2009

I have absolutely no use for getting knocked off my feet. I’m not sure when this idea became an image for falling in love. And there it is again, “falling” in love. It makes it sound uncontrollable and violent and destructive. I have a different idea of love, altogether.* Love is waking up and finding your husband in your son’s room, singing songs and smiling although he is probably just as deliriously tired as you are. This is the opposite of knocking me off my feet. Rather, he is allowing me a bit more rest (and therefore sanity) to ensure that I’ll stay on them while he’s gone for the day.

Again, I have no use for fighting vicious dragons. Courage to fight imaginary things isn’t really courage at all. But I can appreciate a man who doesn’t flinch in the face of working full time AND going to grad school so that he can make some money while advancing his family’s situation.

I have never, never understood the idea of a man riding along on his horse, white or any other color, grabbing me up and riding into the sunset. Honestly, that would stress me out. What if I was in the middle of doing something? On the way to meet a friend or an appointment? What if I want my own horse? These days sleep is precious and not to be wasted messing around on some horse somewhere. Not to mention that I really don’t have the time to take ANOTHER SHOWER (the first two of the day were to rid my self of baby drool and boogers and chlorine from the pool) after smelling all horsey. I definitely appreciate a guy who wants to plan with me, not for me, and who thinks about my dreams for my life as much as he does his own.

*Although I will say for the record that the first time John ever touched me my knees went all wobbly. The story is this: We were walking down the hall after class (college, not high school) and he had just asked me out. Kind of. As we walked towards the stairs leading up out of the building he gave me a very playful/manly shoulder bump- you know when one person collides their shoulder with yours to make you go off balance a bit. As he did that I expected to be annoyed, as I usually was when guys did this kind of thing. Instead, I got the weirdest sensation in my legs. I felt like I was stepping down off a treadmill or walking after rollerblading all morning. I had three thoughts at the same time:

“This really happens?”

“I am a complete dork.”

and

“For goodness sake, does this mean I actually like this guy?”

Tags: corny, John
Posted in Rambles | 1 Comment »

Probably too personal about money. Again.

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

So, my kid hits his head at least four times a day. It’s about 8am and he’s already experienced konk of the day numero uno. He was doing a weird little pole climbing act on his Galloping Jumperoo, and down he swung. It’s gotten to the point that he lets out one raucous cry, I pick him up, he snuggles in and then looks back at whatever he was doing or wants to get back on the floor and play. I don’t know if this is bad or good…do you think he will actually damage his noggin? I’m afraid of him hurting himself, but I’m more afraid of the consequences of sheltering him from gravity. It’s a pretty powerful influence in this world, and I think the sooner he learns the ins and outs, the better.

Moving on…I forgot to write about our second week on our wee budget. We had our meeting again on Sunday, which actually really helps me stay motivated I think. For richer or poorer, right? But anyway…We went over our budget this week. There were a few items that trippped us up. First of all, a $40 haircut for moi. I don’t know about you, but I can’t deal without basic grooming. Since I have short hair at the mo, it has to happen a little more often. But I’m hoping I make up for it with using less shampoo and conditioner…do you think? Then we had the piano tuner come. My mom and I went halfsies (although I still owe her part) so that was $50. Finally, add in $20 extra for groceries (I deviated from the LIST!) and $10 for a couple of T-shirts and some shorts for Camper…and we’re sitting at a balance of -$120. Ouch, that over 200% of our weekly budget. Interestingly enough, I don’t feel too discouraged by this situation. If anything I feel like we learned a little something or other. First of all, the extra money that we had in the account from last month more than covered our overage. The only reason we had extra money in there was because we didn’t spend every single cent we earned. Crazy, right? Also, we purposefully set our budget at what would cover the bare minimum, so that when we needed things like haircuts or a couple extra outfits for our son, we’d think twice. Does this matter enough to spend the money on? We decided yes, and in the end, it all worked out. I just have to remind myself that we were able to cover these “extra” expenses this time around because we adhered to our budget so perfectly last week.

I wonder when and where I got into the habit of spending more money than I have? It’s not something that my Mom and Dad taught me to do. They are very frugal people, and while we’ve never been rich, I don’t remember ever wanting for anything that I needed growing up. Through high school and college I stayed within my small income. I honestly think it was Utah. It wasn’t until I went out there, the supposed land of provdient living, with all of the shopping and the restaurants and the pressure to have cute clothes and get (and subsequently pay for, at least SOMEONE was paying for them, anyway) lots of dates that I started to use credit and rely on school loans to pay off my debt. BAD CYCLE, PEOPLE. It’s not Utah’s fault…per say…but let’s just say that I found out where the problem started. I just count myself lucky that what I’m dealing with is a habit and a small amount of debt (school debt, and then some debt from our move east, oh how it lingers…) and not a few maxed out credit cards. At least whatever sense God gave me kept me from that problem, huh?

To be perfectly honest, and this might be too honest for some, I think it was a bit of depression. Not the all out need medication kind of depression…more like, “Life is coming along a little too slowly, it’s a long winter here in New England” kind of depression. When we very first got here, we were still waiting to see if John found and got into a program for grad school, he was looking for a job that allowed him to be with his family at some point during the day or weekend (aka not working nights…), and I was dealing with what my role as a mommy is really worth. I didn’t feel like I was doing much, as my kid was 3-6 months old, and not really doing too much yet. I’m sad that it took us this long to stop buying tons of unneccesary stuff and putting ourselves on a budget, but at least we got here. Now instead of spending money we don’t have, I think about how great John’s grad program is for him, about how grateful I am for his job (although it is an hour commute…) and for the extra I pick up teaching piano. I’ve also fallen more deeply into my role as a SAHM- the “non working” contributor to my family. I might not make a full-time wage, but the nights when I go to bed exhausted after just playing with my kid all day let me know that I must be doing something right. I’m definitely not on vacation, let’s just put it that way.

I guess I’m just grateful.

There is also gratitude for this safe space we’ve been given to learn these little lessons, to get grad school in order, and to be with family. I’m actually happy to have my Mom and Dad around all the time, and I know they love having us (us=Camper) here, as well.

The other day I was telling John about a story my Mom told me about when she and my Dad were first married. They had saved money so she could buy something, I’m pretty sure it was a typewriter, and after a long time of saving and putting money aside they finally had enough and went to go buy it. When they pulled up to the store my Mom got out of their car and looked down at the tire. She turned to my Dad and asked, “What’s this shiny thing?” Well, that shiny thing was a dead tire with the metal coming through the tread. (I don’t know the official term for metal popping through the tread, please forgive me…) The money they saved would need to go to new tires. This was where the story always ended for me. The absolute disappointment, the sadness that I thought she must have felt at not getting something she wanted. The sadness my Dad must have felt seeing my Mom have to give something up that she wanted. Looking at it from a new perspective, though, I can see the other side. I can see that although yeah…it sucked…they went to bed that night having taken care of their family, having the ability to provide the necessities of life for themselves. I wonder if it felt good right then, or if it’s just the years of living like that and their continued ability to provide that feels good.

As for my little family, I’m just glad we’re on the right track now, for sure.

Tags: Camper, Family, money, the budget
Posted in Rambles | 2 Comments »

The Day I Took a Pregnancy Test at Big Y

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

So it’s no secret that John and I have a child. One son. I have a son. (I heart saying this, so sorry for the repetition.) I pretty much dig him, enough that I stay home and stare at him all day long. Ok, so maybe I play with him and read to him and watch Noggin with him and feed him and go on walks with him and change him and cuddle him and try to teach him to be a decent human being. Anyways…he is so amazing and time-consuming that I am currently postponing (not indefinitely) my masters degree and an amazing career to be his stay at home mom. It’s a pretty good job.

Good enough that John and I recently started talking about when to have another baby.

When I got married I said, “We’ll wait a year to have a baby.” We have now been married for almost two years (in September) and have a 9 month old baby. For our little family, having a baby is a decision between the two of us and God. We take that pretty seriously. Although we went through all the practical considerations of “Are we ready? Can we afford this? Can we handle it?” none of that mattered, because we just felt deep down inside that pregnancy prevention was not for us. So I was 8 months pregnant on our first anniversary.

Cut to now, when I once again start to wonder, “Is it time?” We’re living with my Mom and Dad, doing the husband working/in grad school thing, not really all that established in any way shape or form. If I had another baby, it could definitely delay the grad school thing for me even more, but at the same time I’d be DONE with babyness in a couple of years and not have to interrupt school again for quite some time…either until we decided that 2 was not enough or decided to adopt.

Then there is my health, still precarious. I’m even experiencing a bit of a flair-up this week, almost as if my body is telling me, “Remember how sick pregnancy made you???” And the fact that even on the best of days, my son tires me out completely. Totally.

Then there is the dread. The dread of no sleep at all, trying to decide between whose diaper need changed the worst, who needs to be held more when they’re both crying, who has to get up in the middle of the night to do whatever needs to be done for one and then the other. It’s pretty overwhelming. I’ve read a MILLION things these past few weeks about how to choose the space between siblings. I’ve thought about the siblings I know and how they interact with each other, their parents, and the world. Some say space is great, you have two babies that you get to cuddle and love. Others say have them all in quick succession, if you can handle the “intensity” there’s a great payoff at the end.

I’ve obsessed, to say the least, over whether or not it’s time to have another baby.

And you know what? Again, none of that matters. The scholarly articles about the psychology of children in different age brackets or the puff piece in Parenting magazine explaining what it’s like to nurse while going to the bathroom AND saving your 2 year old from drowning in the bathtub…the scouring of blogs of Moms with kids 3 or more years apart wondering if they’ll be close friends or if my academic life would survive such a long stint in Mommy-hood. Wondering if it’s best to have another baby now, with family so close by in case I’m sick again, or even well and just SO TIRED. Because I love having my wonderful supportive parents nearby. Because they are a good Lala and Poppop.

Even with all that said, we’ve made no decisions about anything. I’m coming to realize that we’ll just know when it’s time. Just like we knew with Camper. When we found out we were pregnant (a surprise, that’s for sure) we knew that it was the right time for us, that everything would be just fine. When we decided to stop birth control we didn’t know if I’d get pregnant the next day or the next year, if at all. But we did, and it was PERFECT for our little family.

So I guess what I’m TRYING to say is that I just need to trust that God who let me know what to do before. He’ll let me know again. And until then, Mirena it is.

Oh, and I did take a pregnancy test in Big Y today. We stopped in there to find my Gorton’s Fishermans and some chocolate chunks (why o why do we have to travel to find the foods that we love?) and I was SO NASEUS that I was going to drive us ALL crazy wondering until I just KNEW. Mirena and all, we convince ourselves of crazy things sometimes. I felt very Juno. Except that I’m 26, and the only adoption that’ll go on in the future will hopefully add more children to our family, and my husband and baby were waiting outside the bathroom door. And I’ve never met Jennifer Garner. Anyway. Good times.

Tags: a wee personal, mommyhood, pregnancy
Posted in All About Baby, Day to day, Family, John, Rambles, Religious, Toooo tired to choose a category | No Comments »

What do you do during the day?

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

*Warning, long and rambly.

While visiting with a close friend last week I was asked the question, “So what is a day like for you?” She meant now that I’m a SAHM, now as opposed to what I’ve been up to for the last few years. It’s really only been since August that I’ve embraced the SAHM lifestyle, and who knows what kind of adjustments I’ll have to make when and IF I get into my Library Sciences program starting in July…but her question combined with another conversation we’ve had on and off for years made me think again about a little concept called a “people-centered life.”

For much of my life I was ME-centered. I went to high school, I chose the college I wanted to attend, I worked through my classes, worked my jobs, spent MY money (I was highly amused the other day when I opened a journal to find a track record of expenses for the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. It should be illegal to spend so much money on nothing, although I wrote it all down dutifully. I especially loved the entry for “cute spring skirt to wear to the city, practical but feminine.” I must have taken accounting classes with Martha Stuart), and hung out with MY friends, largely planning for MY life. Reflecting on this time, I think I really did learn a lot from being in school, and developed a little bit of independence, but mostly I just learned to cater to myself. I am somewhat embarrassed when I think about the way I occasionally mistreated friends or family, often putting myself first in any considerations I was making at the time.

This all changed when I went to England where I worked as a missionary for 19 months. For anyone who doesn’t know about the LDS mission lifestyle (I know, sorry, two links in one day, forgive me…but the ideas must come out) it doesn’t stop. If you’re doing it right, you spend all of your waking hours planning and studying and then teaching and serving people in your immediate area. The service can take any shape it needs to. People often invited us into their homes to teach them about the Gospel. We taught ESL classes, we worked shelters and food kitchens, and we often identified and organized relief for hungry families we met in the areas we lived in. Every once in awhile we organized events through the local congregations just for fun. All in all, it seemed that our main job was helping people find peace in their lives. It was busy, it was wonderful, and had nothing to do with ANYTHING I wanted to do. At all. I got so used to it, though, that when I returned home a year and a half later, I had no idea what to do with myself. It’s like I yoyoed from one extreme to the other and didn’t know where to land.

Enter the people-centered life. In Scranton one of my friends was VERY people centered. While I was the “planner,” make a plan and get it done, she was the people person. Her plans often revolved around the people around her, for good or bad. I was sometimes intolerant of the way this affected my scheduling, and didn’t understand how she could stop to talk/help/encourage/listen to anyone and everyone we came across- especially people she didn’t even know. In England I learned (WAS FORCED) to let go of that a little bit. Yes, we had a schedule. But the things we were planning were for the people, so if I pulled off some activity or lesson or event, but didn’t talk to anyone while we were there, didn’t look anyone in the eyes, it was all a loss. I learned balance. I also learned to be a lot more go-with-the-flow about life in general. I could just pick up in the morning and see where the day took me. I didn’t measure success by a checklist of accomplishments to be made up in the morning and crossed off at night, but rather by the opportunities I took during the day.

That was a good life.

Yes, we still planned, as much as we could, but at the end of the day when we looked back and saw that we took every opportunity to listen to someone, spend a little extra time with someone else, or just followed the day where it seemed to be taking us, we were successful. I wish I had learned that lesson before Scranton, but alas. Life goes on.

When I came home I wanted to work this more “relaxed” Erin into my REAL life, and although I did to some extent, the stresses of concentrating on school and work toughened me up again, and I started to plan again. I don’t think that’s bad, per say, except when I was unable to get things done in the way I envisioned, and then became surly and grumpy and overall…not fun to be around. This continued until I got married, the small laid back part of me battling the uptight part of me, and it wasn’t a bad life. Not at all. Then came mommyhood. I don’t know if this is true of everyone, but I’m finding more and more, that the harder I grip onto “uptight Mommy” behaviors, the harder everything is, the more I find a balance with my laid-back-mommy-self..the happier we all are. And this brings us to my point, finally.

I am convinced that the happiest sort of life is a people-centered life. I think it would have done me a world of good to find more ways to reach out while I was in college. Although my mission shocked me into realizing just how self-absorbed I had been, in a lot of ways, the damage had already been done. I always worked hard at school, but even on top of that I had SO MUCH TIME that I could have used to serve others, help people in some way. I went to a Jesuit University, for goodness sake. There were opportunities to serve people EVERY DAY. I occasionally took advantage of some of them (to fulfill required service hours, to be sure) and I love the memories that I have of volunteering at the hospital and running retreats. But even with the small amount of good I DID find time to do, I HAD SO MUCH TIME PEOPLE. And with that time I chose to cater to myself in a way that was not always productive, and honestly, was sometimes downright destructive. All that said, I don’t kick myself too much now. What’s done is done, and I didn’t do too badly. I made amazing friends, I got good grades, I acted like an 18, 19, 20 year old off on her own for the first time. I came around. And MOSTLY, mostly I saw the difference in myself when I chose to look at the people around me and see what I could do to help.

My life now is not like it was in Scranton. It’s not like it was while I was on my mission. I don’t have the freedom to go and focus on the random people I might meet in the same ways anymore, but I can still lead a people-centered life. In my opinion, I have been given a few gifts.

I have been given a loving family. A husband, a baby boy, and my own Mom and Dad and Brother. (That’s not even mentioning my extended family, as well as my family-in-law, all of whom add a richness and an element to life that I would be less blessed without.)

I have been enabled to stay at home. John works a job so that I can stay at home with our son. It’s as simple as that, and although he doesn’t get a lot of fulfillment from his day to day activities lately, I truly hope he recognizes what a gift he has given to me and Camper by being willing to take that burden, although annoying right now. (The good news is that he does start school again this summer, which ALWAYS infuses a little more purpose into our lives! Bigger and better things as the economy perks up and as we specialize what we want to do, a bit.)

Good friends. People who come and see me, ask how I am, extend their support when my life is new and hard and crazy and things change faster than I can keep up with them.

Solid faith. Although it is sometimes extremely challenging to put the effort in that I need to, I know that my faith rests on something real. And that makes up for everything else.

So back to the beginning. What does my day look like?

I wake up, I try to teach my son to eat and sleep and play. I make sure he feels loved and secure, and mix in enough “independent” time for him to grow and so that I can do the domestic thing. Cook, clean, organize, etc. And then I try to focus on people. My son gets in line first, mostly because he’s the loudest when ignored…but I also try and make life a little easier or better for others when I can. I’m enjoying listening to my mom’s plans and projects, seeing her do her thing, and the company is fun for both of us. (She’s way craftier than me.) I like making dinner/lunch for my husband, trying in some small way to remind him that even though his job is not “fun,” that I am grateful for his willingness to do it so that I can be at home with Camper. Occasionally I cook for the whole family, and that’s probably about as much attention as anyone gets from me these days. But it’s something, right? Lately I’ve had more time for friends who visit, to make plans to get my butt in the car and go see people who mean something to me. It’s largely people-centered, and although it may not be people that I don’t know, it is still worth something, I think.

I read a post awhile ago where the blogger referred to this type of day as “motherwork,” and I loved it. Motherwork isn’t always something you can list out and get done, although sometimes it is. Sometimes it’s entire days spent singing to a baby who has growing pains, or running around doing errands, or just going for a walk and trying to take some pictures and write some things down so that we can remember this phase of our lives later. It involves the cleaning and the cooking and the shopping, the bill paying and the doctor’s appointments and the organizing, but it also involves the people. Looking around and seeing who needs what and trying to respond. I still miss a lot, and I have to remind myself to look sometimes, but I think that’s what my job is right now. I want to try and really dedicate myself to this idea, the idea that while I am able to be at home with my son and any other children that may come along, that my blessing and my opportunity is to just be there. If I can be there for the people I love, and maybe a few people who I don’t even know as they cycle in and out of my life, if I can take those opportunities to pay attention to the people in my life and their needs over mine, I think life will be richer.

Yes, school will start again. Yes, work will start again. Yes, things need to be done. But as for what I do every day…I’d like to focus on taking care of people. Maybe as I work through this idea I’ll post more specifically how this little focus shift experiment is going, but we’ll see.

(Disclaimer: I would need to write another long post to explain how other people take care of ME every day, so don’t think this is in any way one-sided people. But what comes around goes around, right?)

Tags: oh long
Posted in Rambles, Religious | 2 Comments »

Blessed and Lucky

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

As my husband slumbers in his lair, preparing for another night at work, and as my little boy sleeps in his crib, preparing for- well- who knows what? I think to myself: I should sleep. But as always, I feel that I can enjoy my “down time” more if I am awake. Hence the posting.

This past week has been a good one. Aside from the bug that went around our house, and seems to still be hitting at least my Dad, I’ve started to feel a lot better. I think we may be on the way to having this IBD thing under control. FINALLY. The Bubbs has been sleeping a lot this week, eating pretty well, and is blossoming into a little person right before my eyes. This is exhausting and exciting all at the same time, and the weather has allowed us to venture out more, whether just to get groceries, go for walks, or even to storytimes and such. I’m hoping to get more of that in during the coming weeks- and John is encouraging me to find a Mommy/Baby swim class as well. Although I am NOT EXCITED to get into a bathing suit, at least the weight is coming off/going away, and I have a beautiful baby to explain my new disfigure (this is what I call my used-to-be figure).

Last Tuesday my friend Christine came to visit. I met her freshman year of college in PA, we lived together the next year, and I love her so much. She, along with my other “Scranton” friends Emily and Jess (and of course, Lindsey, although you are not a Scranton girl!) have been some of the few “constants” in my life: showing up for weddings and new things happening, and although we don’t get to talk as much as we would like, it doesn’t seem to matter once we get back together. She stayed til Thursday, and having her here to meet Bubbs was amazing. We did a little bit of everything, we watched some Alias, which we were obsessed with our junior year. We looked through old pictures and newspapers, and talked about how different we were back then. How our lives were mostly just about us. We lived in our own little bubble and made all our choices based on our own preferences, whims, and new ideas, and just were. We talked about how we’ve changed, about how we’ve stayed the same. She works in campus ministry for a school (few would know that this is very close to my dream job, actually. I would love to run interfaith retreats for a living), and is also a student. We talked a lot about what we’ve both been up to and what we’re planning, and I’m so excited that she’s looking at such a good year full of…well…I’ll let her tell you that if you know her and she cares to share.

As for our activities, she came with me to a doctor’s appointment (held the Bubbs), we cooked some good food, cuddled my baby, and of course, talked about religion. I just felt, filled…by her visit. Like I always do. I had a secret “wishlist” for while she was here, and I’m happy to say, we DID go on a walk, we stayed up late talking (she actually shacked up with me, seeing as how my husband sleeps during the day in another room and all…one night I stayed up late and talked, the next night I fell asleep before she was done washing her face),and MOST importantly, she sang to my son. It was a good, good visit. Except that I forgot to get some coffee for her. I ALWAYS forget that, one day I’ll remember! (Thank goodness for Dunkin Donuts!)

Backing up a bit, when I left for England the September of what WOULD have been my senior year of college, I knew that I was risking some of the best friendships I had ever had by leaving. I did it because I felt like I needed to, wanted to, and was supposed to (all part of serving an LDS mission), but that didn’t meant I wasn’t scared that my relationships were too fragile to survive a year and a half with no phonecalls or visits, or even just missing out on our last year in college together. But I was so blessed with friends that loved me enough to work at our friendships- and even though we differ in our belief systems and life choices- care enough to keep coming back again and again and again. We’re all returning to Scranton this Spring for a visit, and I can’t WAIT to be together again. Show the girls my beautiful baby boy, find out about their plans for finishing more school, buying houses, getting married (all on the calendar for the coming year) and just be NEAR them. Not everyone gets to find people who both accept them for who they are and challenge them to become more all at the same time- and I am lucky not only to have been raised by parents who are like that, found a spouse who is like that, but also have amazing friends who are like that.

I am a lucky girl. Blessed and lucky.

Tags: Friends, visits
Posted in Friends, Mommy Upkeep, Rambles | No Comments »

Not Manly at All

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

The title of this post refers to a quote found in a letter from my dear friend Lindsey. A REAL letter. With a stamp. She’s good at those, better than me anyway.

Just for the record, Lindsey is a firm supporter of Obama and a very political gal, again…more than me. She actually went and met him this past year whilst he was touring the country and got to shake his hand. Of the experience she said:

It was a surreal moment. His hands are very soft. Not manly at all, though I suppose he is shaking, washing and moisturizing numerous times a day on the trail.

Yes. It was my favorite part of her letter. Haha. I thought it was a good tidbit to share in light of the Inauguration today.

To celebrate the event I started the day out with an ultrasound to check my gallbladder. All is clear on that front. Both both a relief and a frustration at the same time. Perhaps more on that later when I get over the sheer frustration that I won’t have a surgery and feel better…but rather might get to avoid cheese and whoppers and Chinese food and all the best food for the rest of my life.

After we got some doughnuts (and a bagel for me) from Dunkin Donuts (THANK GOODNESS FOR THE EAST COAST!) we got home and chilled with the fam for a bit. When the inauguration started we jumped back into our unmade bed (hardly ever happens, I swear) with our baby boy and settled in to watch. It felt really special sitting there, showing our baby boy how this country works, having him feel our anticipation at the changes taking place and the hope we have that a politician will one day have the ability to fulfill his or her promises. He won’t remember when we toke him to vote or the day the first black president was sworn into office. It’s amazing to think that my son will grow up in a more open-minded world. It’s a good feeling.

After the election it was time for dishes and laundry and scrubbing the bathroom and all the daily work to do be done around le house. I am also now re-employed at my old place of business, this time as a freelance web content writer. I’ve been struggling with the decision to try to find a job of my own, and finally remembered the opportunity back in Utah. I can work from home and hopefully help us over the hump a bit until John finds a job. Keep praying everyone, he has applied to so many places and more every day, and I know that we will get something good soon. Stupid economy.

That’s the report for now. New president, sleeping baby, clean gallbladder…I’d say it’s been a good day.

Tags: Inauguration
Posted in All About Baby, Rambles | 1 Comment »

Those Girls

Thursday, November 13th, 2008

John basically intro’d this post for me, so I thought I’d follow through. Out of all the artists at the concert last night, he liked Meiko. All the artists were actually talented, well-trained, and interesting. Some were interesting good, some were interesting bad. I liked a few, but out of the ones I didn’t like, I really didn’t like Meiko. Here’s the thing, it’s not because she wasn’t talented or attractive- she was both- maybe more so than anyone else there. No, I didn’t like Meiko because she was…that girl.

There is one sentence that a girl can say that makes me place her firmly in the “that girl” category, by extension causing me to dislike her immensely. That sentence is (includes all variants): I get along better with guys than I do with girls.

That is…to channel a middle school girl… crappola. “Those girls” simply love male attention. They dislike hanging out with girls because they are competition. They like to string boys along, even if they don’t like them they act like “friends” in order to have a good excuse to keep them around. More often than not the boys fall in love, or at the very least get a crush, and instead of telling them what’s what and letting them find someone else, they actually keep them from having successful relationships with other girls. Who wants a boyfriend with a hot best friend? a GIRL best friend. Not me, that’s for sure.

Those girls often seek out time alone with their boy “best” friend. They secretly (or openly) find joy when the girlfriend gets jealous, and takes that opportunity to tell the boy that the girlfriend is obviously a jealous, high maintence lap-dog type and not necessary in life. Often, the girl “best” friend is responsible for causing the boy to stop respecting his girlfriend’s feelings, which eventually leads to a breakup.

Occasionally (meaning every so often) the boy professes his love for the girl “friend,” and she politely shuts him down, but not harshly enough to let him to move on. I’ve seen this happen in high school, in college, and even happen to my brother. I especially hate it when it happens to my brother.

Even more dangerous than the pre-teen or teenage “that” girl is the fully grown adult “that” girl. She is the girl that insists on lunch dates with fully grown adult boys who have fully grown and completely committed adult girlfriends or even wives. I really really don’t care what ANYONE says, any serious friendship with a member of the opposite after marriage has to change. You don’t have to change how much you respect someone or enjoy their company, but you do have to change how you act around them and when you are alone with them. Let’s try…never. Getting married does not automatically seal your heart so that you could never imagine being with anyone else, that is your responsibility. Fooling yourself into having a “best friend” of the opposite sex (or even of the same sex) that gets as much attention as your marriage partner is scary, and stupid. For shiz.

You can have friends of the opposite sex, but I’ve learned various times throughout life that while 1 is the lonliest number, 3 is the most dangerous number…It helps if that friend is married as well. But not always. You can tell that a friend of the opposite sex is ok if 1) they are not “that girl” (meaning they have lots of friends of their own gender and gives deference and respect to the actual wife or girlfriend, not seeking “alone time” with their boy “friend”) and 2) if they show interest in getting to know and adding spouse/partner to their life as well. If she seems threatened it means she’s got her claws in, and likes them there.

Now, let’s be real. Quite a lot of girls are at least a little bit “that girl,” or have been at some time in their life. Sometimes it’s a side-affect of loving someone who doesn’t love her back, and so she has friends to “fill in the gaps.” This may have been my issue during my brief stint as “that girl.” The more dangerous “that girls” do it for the thrill, for the love of the game, and…(this is scariest) because they can. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.

So how did I know Meiko was that girl? Well, she kind of self-declared. First by singing a song that I actually really liked, “I know better than to be friends with boys with girlfriends,” and then singing a song that she wrote specifically to freak out the girlfriend of her boy “friend” who had the audacity to dislike her. Yup. She is that girl, and I, like any girl who loves her husband, bristled a bit in her presence. What can I say? I’m the jealous type. And THAT would need an entirely new post to explain ;)

All that said…I think I do want her music after all….

Tags: Meiko, that girl
Posted in Rambles | 7 Comments »

Little Kite Girl