Ok. This is hard for me to write. I could be adding substantial drama to my life by writing this, but chances are, if you are reading this it is NOT ABOUT YOU. Believe me. This isn’t about anyone in my family (including family and family in law),or anyone I talk to on a regular basis. So don’t attribute this post to a situation it doesn’t belong to. And with that…here we go.
There are some people (one person, but I’ll say “them” anyway) in my life who want to be friends with me, and I don’t want to be friends with them. There is not (necessarily) anything wrong with these people. There is no “you did this to me one time” reason for me to want to keep my distance. What drama or intrigue there WAS is way in the past, and I honestly don’t hold a grudge. What I do hold is a little warning feeling deep inside me that will simply not let me relax around said people. that’s it. Because of my life experience, and my experience with these people, I do not feel at ease around them. My husband has a similar feeling, for reasons all his own, and anyone who knows him knows that the word “friend” is very specific, and doesn’t apply to just anybody. He is not the kind of guy that needs a lot of friends, he’s happy with the few good ones he has, and we already struggle trying to keep in touch and visit. The situation is: I simply don’t want to be friends with them.
This said, I try very hard not to talk about said people, I am always courteous to them, I would lend a hand if help was needed. Gladly. I feel much more comfortable around the family of said people than I do around said people (ok, it’s getting ridiculous now) which causes issues, I guess. I would never be outrightly rude, except for the fact that they keep pressing it to the point where I have to say: “Hey, I don’t want to be friends. That’s just how it is.” If they would just let it go, I wouldn’t have to say this (as I have said in the past, out loud, to this person’s face…not in an attempt to be mean, just trying to be HONEST) and life would go on. I am not the type to pretend or to hide my feelings, but I am TOTALLY the type to function around people in a respectful, cordial, normal everydayperson kind of way.
I think this all started because I ignored a friend request on facebook. Geez louise. It’s almost not worth it, huh?
I think that I have the right to have people in my life that uplift and comfort me, make me laugh, challenge me (in good ways) and in some way add flavor or vibrancy to my everyday situation. I also claim the right to refuse “friendship” to those who make me feel uncomfortable, at any time and for any reason (or without reason) and without the need to “get to the bottom of it” and “make sure we can all be friends.”
I don’t say, “I love you” to people unless I really, really mean it. I don’t spend time with or give of myself emotionally (which friendship requires) unless I feel comfortable. I don’t add drama to my life, because yo, I got enough already.
So that’s it. And amazingly, writing this post hasn’t helped me feel better in the slightest.
