When I wanted to get pregnant I had no idea, not even a small one, of the fear that would come along with having a child. I’m not talking about giving him his first bath or answering his questions as he gets older…but rather the fear that one day I might have to hear him crying in hunger and not be able to give him anything to eat. Or the fear that he might be sick, for a long time, and that I won’t be able to make him better. Or the fear that something unimaginable and terrible would happen to him.
I think the fear is made worse by TV. Not gonna lie. I watched about 5 minutes of that new show Flash Forward and started to twitch. I can’t watch those disaster movies. The idea that there are children, alone and afraid and scared and uncared for makes me itchy. I recently read The Hunger Games and Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, and although I loved the books….they were almost to far over to that side. The side where as bleak as things are in the world, you realize that they could be bleaker.
Not something I want to focus on lately.
About a month ago I started reading a book called Hope, Faith and Charlie by Deirdre Carey. It’s taken me frick forever because as you can see from my last post…I think all I’m really reading lately is Baby Giggles…But it’s the story of Deirdre’s son and their family’s fight with cancer. I expected to have to put the book aside- another example of how a happy world can tumble and fall and something that would remind me how fragile my son is, how everything could change. But I didn’t have to. I read the whole thing and instead of feeding my crazy fears of everything that could go wrong…it made me feel stronger. People are good. We beat things. We are stronger than we think we are, and most of all, our kids are stronger than we think they are.
In the book Deirdre says that while she was pregnant she prayed for healthy children- as it was something out of her control- she left it up to God and trusted that he would provide. Well, he didn’t. At least not in that way. Charlie was sick, but also had the strength and the will to fight and beat a disease. I have a tendency to want what I want in the way that I want it. But I guess sometimes we have to just let go and trust that maybe the tools we’ve been given to take care our current situation aren’t what we expect them to be, but they are just as good. Whether it be health, or strength to get healthy…money…or a will to work and make do. You can see where I’m going with this.
I guess I just need to get over it. Stop living my life in some hazy fear cloud that someday something might change for the worst and I might lose what I have or have to watch my child suffer. I just need to enjoy my son, enjoy my family and work towards better things. If I have to endure something horrible, well…that’s what I’ll do. But why drive myself crazy waiting for it? I am so blessed. And honestly, no matter what happens, that never has to change. It’s just perspective I guess.
