Over Christmas my friends Mike & Jenn lost their baby. They had endured many fertility treatments to get pregnant (over a series of many years) and their baby girl died two days before birth. I haven’t shared a lot about what went on because it hasn’t been mine to share, but at the baby’s memorial service Mike & Jenn wrote a letter to be read (by John, actually) sharing their thoughts. I didn’t know what to expect from the letter, but as John read it I was overwhelmed by the big-heartedness of my friends. I asked Jenn and she said that I could post their letter here. If you know anyone who has lost a child in any way, I think a lot of these sentiments could apply. None of us ever mean to do the wrong thing, but I was glad to receive advice first from the nurses helping at the hospital and then from Mike and Jenn themselves. Their ability to provide us with such a clear picture of what we could do for them as friends was so amazing, and I’m glad to be able to post it here.
Dear Friends and Family,
We want to express how much we have been touched by every-one’s compassion. This is not the way we expected the last two weeks to have been. We know that the Lord has plans for Samantha, and while we grieve for her loss, we are at peace with the Lord’s plan. We look forward to the day we get to see Samantha again.
We can not express enough how much we appreciate all the love and support we have received. The hospital staff were all wonderful. They were gentle and kind the whole time we were there. The doctors who had such a hard task of breaking the news and helping me through labor were beyond belief. We both feel that without all of their assistance we wouldn’t have been able to endure the whole hospital experience.
All of the prayers and thoughts we have received have not gone unnoticed, either. We know that some many people love and care for us. We are in awe how we’ve only lived here a little over 2 years and yet, we have had so much support from so many. Thank you for all that has been done to help us through this.
We know there are several who feel helpless and want to do something for us. We pray that those feelings are taken from you. There isn’t a whole lot that can be done. here are a few suggestions that we found in some of the books the hospital gave us (We are not saying that anyone hasn’t done some of these, but thought this would help make the situation easier for you and us.):
Realize that both of us are grieving. Dads are often the forgotten griever. Ask how we are both doing, not just one of us.
Realize that saying “I’m sorry” is enough.
Realize a new child will not replace Samantha, we will always miss her.
If you are uncomfortable about discussing the death of the child with us because you think we won’t want to talk about it, don’t shy away. Simply say something like, “I just want you to know that I want to listen if you need to talk.” If we don’t talk at that time don’t assume we will never want to talk.
Call frequently to ask how we are adjusting.
Continue to invite us to activities you would have normally invited us to. Let us set the pace, though. If we decline, don’t feel hurt.
Realize that Samantha is still a product of our love and the joy of our lives. There is joy and pain. The joy didn’t end when Samantha died and the pain will not end after this ceremony- accept both. Don’t try to take the pain away. We need to feel it, hard as it may be to see, we need to grieve.
We will still have hard times ahead. Our first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, Samantha’s first birthday. Please continue to pray for us during these times.
Again, we want to let everyone know how much love we have felt. We are grateful to all who have come to be with us today. Samantha had a short life, but we will never forget her.
Thank y’all.
Mike and Jenn
As I talked things over with Jenn she mentioned a few other things to think about.
First, and this deals with friends going through fertility treatments as well as parents who have lost a child, DO invite them to your baby shower/child’s birthday/baptism, etc. if you would have invited them before. Your invitation could be worded something like this:
I want to invite you to (whatever the event is.) I don’t where you with everything right now, but please know that we would love you to be there, and also understand if you can’t.
This admits that you don’t know whether they are in a hopeful place in their process, or if they are feeling angry or sad or just tired. It also doesn’t presume to know what’s best for that person, attending or not attending is up to them. The point is to make them feel loved and invited.
The worst thing you can say to parents who are struggling with infertility or have lost a child?
“Have you thought about adoption?”
I think this question is one that either comes out of a place of a personal need to interject some sort of a solution into their lives, or out of curiosity. Either way, it’s not the right thing to ask right now. YES. They’ve thought of adoption. And really, adoption is just as much of a process and fertility treatments. It’s not just about wanting to have a child naturally. It’s about being committed to a path that they’ve chosen. Both cost money and neither are 100% certain. Nowhere near 100%. One of the biggest things that couples going through infertility tire of hearing is how someone else you know adopted a child and later gave birth to a child, as well. Adoption is not a magic wand for couples going through infertility treatments. Just as many people adopt children and never have children naturally. One is not connected to another, and while it is amazing and a miracle that the couple you know went on to have other children (and the person going through infertility treatments would see that, and recognize that joy and that miracle, maybe more than you would) again…just not the thing to say right now.
