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Posts Tagged ‘mommyhood’

A Wee Break

Monday, October 12th, 2009

So I haven’t been sleeping all that well lately.  I’ve been on this kick of GET EVERYTHING DONE, which gives me purpose and a sense of accomplishment but also keeps me from truly winding down at night.  More than that, whereas before John would get up with Bubbs a couple times a week, I’ve just been getting up every day because how can I GET STUFF DONE if I’m sleeping?  If I tried to sleep for an hour or so more in the morning, I’d end up just getting up and being up, too.

Not this morning.

This morning I heard Camper at 4am, went in and cuddled him and put him back to bed (bad dream, maybe?) and then didn’t hear a peep until after 6 some time.  I rolled over and asked John to take care of him.  He did.  And I slept.  I didn’t even do the thing where as he’s leaving the room I’m saying, “Don’t forget to make sure his oatmeal isn’t too hot, and don’t forget to put the vaporizer up, and don’t forget to change his diaper, and don’t forget to wake me up in an hour….” Nope.  I pulled the blanket over my head to try to protect the sleepies and went back to sleep.  Granted I had some weird freaky dreams about Camper and the washing machine and general craziness…but I SLEPT.  And I’m glad.

I’m feeling a little coughy and weakish today, which isn’t a surprise since John has been coughing nonstop for about two days.  I’m hoping it goes away soon, but in the meantime I think I’m going to take today as a down day.  We’ll see what happens.  I’ll still wash the diapers, and cook dinner, and probably clean some stuffs….because…well…I have a disease.  But maybe, just maybe I’ll lay down during Camper’s afternoon nap.  If he takes one.  Sigh.  And I fully intend on wearing sweatpants all day.  And maybe even reading a bit.  For fun.

It’s so weird.  There is some part of me that thinks because I stay home, I must KEEP BUSY in order to not be “that mom.”  You know, the one that would probably be better served GOING to work for all the effort she puts in around the house or with her kids.  But I think we can sometimes go too far in the other direction.  Drive ourselves crazy forgetting that if we are there for our children, if we make our home a nice place to be, it doesn’t have to be perfect.  “Everything” will never be done.  Not at the same time anyway.  And the job is 24/7.  So if I take a midmorning break for some blogging, so be it.

And PS: I heart Monday morning cookie breakfast.

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Posted in Mommy Upkeep | 2 Comments »

MiniFlux

Friday, September 25th, 2009

September 2009 055He pushed puzzle pieces around on his truck while I cleaned. It was super cute.

So, we are in a state of less flux now.  Still fluxy, but…less so.

Yes, I quit Target.  Whoa a lot of people responded to my little overnight experience.  I also read an article the day after the working experience which I found relevant to the whole situation.  I’m grateful that my little escapade into that kind of working environment was spurred on my wanting a little more wiggle room and not by absolute necessity.  In our bank account it’s a matter of dollars, honestly, but for what’s it worth…well…it wasn’t worth it.  But there are many women and men who are severely underemployed right now, and honestly…I don’t have the answers.  I just found the article and my experience compelling- and I’ll tell you that I’m now looking for ways to live a more provident lifestyle.  Like for example: this week we used coupons for our Secret Nugget runs to McDonald’s. (Yeah, I know, we need to do better than that.  Working on it!)

John has started his new position.  He was hired on as an Internal Auditor/Loss Prevention somethingorother for Kmart.  Again, underemployement (welcome to the area that we live)…but much more flexible underemployment.  And he gets his own office.  And doesn’t have to wear any kind of uniform.  And with about half the driving time as the job in Albany.  Hopefully this interesting new position will afford him more time with us and more time to work on his degree- and spend less time listening to people call in a complain about past sexual partners and their inability to support their offspring.  I mean, someone’s gotta do that job, but the turnover is high because it is not exactly uplifting work.  We’re both grateful for that to be over.  As soon as he gets a more set schedule I think we’ll fall back into a routine and life will be happy again.  He is also scheduled to take teacher licensure tests soon.  We’ve got some plans in that direction- and I think we’ve finally figured some crap out about ourselves and what we need to do to feel good about work.

Now if the economy would just capitulate…we’d be ever so grateful.

Our favorite conversation this past week has been all about China.  We want to go to China.  We’re fostering some serious dreams about teaching English, having Camper know more Chinese than Kai Lan, and coming home with another child.  We’re not all Angelina Jolie about it, but we’ve both always (even before we met) wanted to adopt at least one child.  We don’t anticpate this happening any time soon (definitely not before John finished his master’s degree) but I love talking about it.  Picturing it, although I have no idea what living in China would be like.  I remember when I lived in England I was surprised at how different things can actually be.  Grass, sidewalks, stores, food, even public toilets.  Coming back after being gone for almost two years was the same.  Odd, more different than I thought.  (The biggest difference was that everyone said: “CAN YOU SPEAK UP? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”  Geez Americans are loud.) It was a sincerely expanding experience.  And we want that together as a family.  (Honestly, I don’t even think we’re that picky about the country.  Just one with decent medical care and stable government, and we’re there given the opportunity.  As long as you need a passport to get there.)

In other random thoughts: I’m starting to rethink my commitment to different public playgroups this winter.  I’m definitely going to do Music Together, but other than that and something that I think I’m going to try and organize through church, we might just be homebodies.  I realize that all this flu stuff isn’t as scary as some people are making it out to be, but I think staying home and working on projects and playing outside in the snow and occasionally hitting up the YMCA pool might be enough to keep us sane.  And less sickish.  And less poor.  The past three days with a cold/flu/teething baby (post vaccination nastiness) has made me want to work even harder on keeping us healthy this winter.  Doing things that I should be doing anyway will keep us pretty busy.  Cooking good food, maybe even baking bread.  Cleaning our home and taking care of our kid.  Teaching piano brings kids into the house that Camper loves to play with.  I think that I just need to redouble my domestic determination.   Sometimes I do SO GOOD and feel SO AWESOME about the nutritional/educational/spiritual nourishment my family gets.  This past two weeks Camper’s schedule is ALL over the place- and I’m not much help.  Last night when he said, “Mom, I really don’t feel like going to bed, can I stay up and watch Glee with you on the DVR?” I was all, “Eh, ok.”  Snacks are happening more often lately, less planned meals.  More nuggets.  I think the ONLY thing I’m consistently getting right is the whole cuddle-on-demand situation we have going on around here.  But our little family needs more.  I realize what schedules and meals are worth and need to put in the proper effort. Remember?

projects-003

Unfortunately, we fall behind.  And forget.  And YO I JUST CAN’T COOK THAT MUCH.

September 2009 095

(Just for the record, I didn’t write that.  But I echoed the sentiments precisely.)

But it’s time.  It’s time to get cooking again, start getting rid of unnecessary things and work on some good habits.  So yes.  This here blog, some good TV, my role as wife, mother and piano teacher.  Maybe some exercise if I can figure it out.  That’s my plan this winter.

Also, today I moved Camper’s room around…AGAIN.  Holy crap this time I used a SCREWDRIVER. (Hopefully better than the last time I got out some tools and ended up killing the phone line by wadding up the phone wire things and taping them together before getting them out of Camper’s reach.  Yeah.  I rock.)   I think I’ve FINALLY MANAGED to make it safe enough that if he were to…I don’t know…start to use a toddler bed type situation…I’d be confident in his safety.  I don’t know why I was so obsessed with that, but I was.  And now it’s done.  Well, it will be as soon as John can get around to making the closet door close.  Darn New England houses.

And if that’s not a disjointed entry for ya, I don’t know what is.

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Posted in Adventures, All About Baby, Blogging, Day to day | 2 Comments »

The Day I Took a Pregnancy Test at Big Y

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

So it’s no secret that John and I have a child. One son. I have a son. (I heart saying this, so sorry for the repetition.) I pretty much dig him, enough that I stay home and stare at him all day long. Ok, so maybe I play with him and read to him and watch Noggin with him and feed him and go on walks with him and change him and cuddle him and try to teach him to be a decent human being. Anyways…he is so amazing and time-consuming that I am currently postponing (not indefinitely) my masters degree and an amazing career to be his stay at home mom.  It’s a pretty good job.

Good enough that John and I recently started talking about when to have another baby.

When I got married I said, “We’ll wait a year to have a baby.”  We have now been married for almost two years (in September) and have a 9 month old baby.  For our little family, having a baby is a decision between the two of us and God.  We take that pretty seriously.  Although we went through all the practical considerations of  “Are we ready? Can we afford this?  Can we handle it?” none of that mattered, because we just felt deep down inside that pregnancy prevention was not for us.  So I was 8 months pregnant on our first anniversary.

Cut to now, when I once again start to wonder, “Is it time?”  We’re living with my Mom and Dad, doing the husband working/in grad school thing, not really all that established in any way shape or form.  If I had another baby, it could definitely delay the grad school thing for me even more, but at the same time I’d be DONE with babyness in a couple of years and not have to interrupt school again for quite some time…either until we decided that 2 was not enough or decided to adopt.

Then there is my health, still precarious.  I’m even experiencing a bit of a flair-up this week, almost as if my body is telling me, “Remember how sick pregnancy made you???”  And the fact that even on the best of days, my son tires me out completely.  Totally.

Then there is the dread.   The dread of no sleep at all, trying to decide between whose diaper need changed the worst, who needs to be held more when they’re both crying, who has to get up in the middle of the night to do whatever needs to be done for one and then the other.  It’s pretty overwhelming.  I’ve read a MILLION things these past few weeks about how to choose the space between siblings.  I’ve thought about the siblings I know and how they interact with each other, their parents, and the world.  Some say space is great, you have two babies that you get to cuddle and love.  Others say have them all in quick succession, if you can handle the “intensity” there’s a great payoff at the end.

I’ve obsessed, to say the least, over whether or not it’s time to have another baby.

And you know what?  Again, none of that matters.  The scholarly articles about the psychology of children in different age brackets or the puff piece in Parenting magazine explaining what it’s like to nurse while going to the bathroom AND saving your 2 year old from drowning in the bathtub…the scouring of blogs of Moms with kids 3 or more years apart wondering if they’ll be close friends or if my academic life would survive such a long stint in Mommy-hood.  Wondering if it’s best to have another baby now, with family so close by in case I’m sick again, or even well and just SO TIRED.  Because I love having my wonderful supportive parents nearby.  Because they are a good Lala and Poppop.

Even with all that said, we’ve made no decisions about anything.  I’m coming to realize that we’ll just know when it’s time.  Just like we knew with Camper.  When we found out we were pregnant (a surprise, that’s for sure) we knew that it was the right time for us, that everything would be just fine.  When we decided to stop birth control we didn’t know if I’d get pregnant the next day or the next year, if at all.  But we did, and it was PERFECT for our little family.

So I guess what I’m TRYING to say is that I just need to trust that God who let me know what to do before.  He’ll let me know again.  And until then, Mirena it is.

Oh, and I did take a pregnancy test in Big Y today.  We stopped in there to find my Gorton’s Fishermans and some chocolate chunks (why o why do we have to travel to find the foods that we love?) and I was SO NASEUS that I was going to drive us ALL crazy wondering until I just KNEW.  Mirena and all, we convince ourselves of crazy things sometimes.  I felt very Juno.  Except that I’m 26, and the only adoption that’ll go on in the future will hopefully add more children to our family, and my husband and baby were waiting outside the bathroom door.  And I’ve never met Jennifer Garner.  Anyway.  Good times.

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Posted in All About Baby, Day to day, Family, John, Rambles, Religious, Toooo tired to choose a category | No Comments »

The Throws of Motherhood

Monday, June 15th, 2009

I love, love, love being a Mom.  I really do feel fulfilled with my daily activities.  It took me awhile to see the real worth of what I do every day, but once I understood, I no longer felt the need to work outside the home.  (At this point in my life, anyway.  I have every intention of continuing my education and working in the not-to-distant future.)  I’m just grateful that we live in a place and that John has a job that gives me the chance to stay home.  I realize that many moms simply don’t have a choice.

That said, the last week or so has been rather difficult for me, and I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s the emergence of my son’s GIANT personality coupled with his burgeoning curiosity (not to mention mobility). Maybe it’s the fact that I’m meant to be studying more than I find the time for, or the sad truth that I’m completely unable to get as much done around the house as I’d like to on a daily basis.  All I know is that I had at least two moments this week when I wanted to throw scrambled eggs, a noisy monitor, or a baby bottle out whatever window I was closest to and just go take a long bath. I didn’t, I simply took a deep breath and go through until naptime.  The weekend, especially, was very long.  We ended up going to a drive in until late Friday night, and then redboxing some other movies we’ve wanted to see on Saturday, so I probably didn’t make very wise sleep choices.  After waking up this morning and realizing that Camper was NOT going to take a long nap, I commissioned LaLa to spend an hour with him so that I could get a little more sleep.

Sleep helps so much.  And hey, the weekend was fun.

I am amazed, daily, by how amazing my child is.  He is funny, fun-loving, steady, cautious, thoughtful, a little hot-headed and very cuddly and affectionate.  He is also an extremely picky eater (I know I asked for that one) and only a so-so sleeper.  There are plenty of babies out there that eat and sleep like clockwork,  but Camper is not that baby.  I told John yesterday that I felt like all I do all day is try to take care of a being who’s job is it to make it as difficult as possible.  Good thing he’s a dream in every other way imaginable, and honestly, he really is.

It’s crazy, I wait for nap time so that I can get something done, and then end up missing him and waiting for him to wake up.  I think this is one of the hardest “jobs” I’ve ever done, and I’m proud of the job I’ve done so far.  Here’s hoping I don’t throw any eggs out the window this week.

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Aspirations of a Mommy-to-Be

Sunday, September 14th, 2008

Another interesting weekend, that’s for sure.  I am, at least, single digits away from my due date, although I think everyone around here wishes that number counted hours and not days.  I have, for the record, unequivocally learned what a contraction is.  And let me tell you, I did not know it when I felt it.   All you pregnant ladies out there who are being told “You’ll know it when you feel it,” if you feel confused, it’s ok!  You might NOT know it, specifically if you’ve never felt it before.  And if you’ve spent the summer having pain from other unidenifieable diseases, that can make you feel confused about pain in general.   I needed machines and medical personnel to help me identify what was happening in my body and am hopefully now more equipped to figure things out as they progress.  From what I’ve been told, however, my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to.  I am dialating, I am about 80% effaced, and Camper is strong and well.  So patience.  Now what I need is some patience.

I’ve been gearing up for Mommy-life so much that I’m just so anxious for it to start.  I’ve had to do some serious mental adjustment to get myself ready (as ready as possible) for staying home from work and school to concentrate on my baby and family- and I’m all set to give this a total go.  Taking care of Camper won’t be hard for me to deal with, but it will be the other Mommy-skills that will be an adjustment.  I’ve come to see that there are a few types of Mommies.  Among them are the kind that just barely get through life subsisting on daytime television and the bare minimum amounts of laundry, and then there are kinds that DO things.  All kinds of things.  So I’ve picked some things to work on.

I’ve made a list of 31 things I think I can cook.  I plan on cooking them.  For us.  To eat.  So we’ll see how that goes.  I’ve been threatening to learn to cook for awhile, but I think this might be my best chance as I’ll want to make sure I’m eating healthily to lose the baby weight and provide my baby with nutrients.

And then there’s Camper’s Halloween costume, which I’ve already started.  He’s going to be an OWL!  Isn’t that seriously, the cutest, the very cutest thing you can think of?  Then there’s supporting my husband as he finishes his last semester of school.  I’m not sure if I could have gotten through my last semester without him pushing me along and helping me focus, and I want to do the same thing for him.  Soon we will both be graduates, and with that comes our other plans.  We both need to select a variety of schools to apply to for grad programs, and we both need to take the GRE.  Now…that might not fit in with the normal “mommy-skills and activities” arena, but it does to me.

Then there are the household responsibilities, which include regular cleaning and laundry, etc., but I’ll also need to prepare for “the move,” which to me could seriously be a three month long process.  It includes investigating and systematizing our belongings so that when it’s time to pack we can do so efficiently and quickly, and selling things we won’t be hauling across the country with us.  It also includes doing this in a way that doesn’t drive John prematurely crazy with my obsessive, premature planning needs.  Tricky…

Another thing I’ve been wanting to do FOREVER is working through an HTML book John got me months ago.  I’ve been saying I was gonna do it for a long time and need to just open it up and start.  I’ve already got a bit of an understanding of what’s going on there, but if I want to do the CSS book next I need a much, much more solid grasp of it all.  Along with that goal is the ever-present and tempting thought of working some SEO magic on my blog, getting more into social networking.  I’ve been reading a lot more blogs lately and gotten a lot of ideas about things I want to do and change with my own.

And finally, the biggest project I want to work on between baby-OUT time and Christmas is…well, me.  I want to cultivate and stick to healthier eating patterns.  (Self-control, anyone?)  I’d like to exercise, both with Camper in tow and without, and I’d like to make sure that I’m doing what I can to be healthy- even healthier than I was before I got pregnant.  Cause let’s be honest, there’s some magic age when you just simply can’t eat McDonald’s and Burger Supreme every day and expect to be able to zip your jeans and walk up a hill.  And I think that having a baby catapults you into that age.  My IDEAL situation is to be able to have a long walk with Camper (either outside, or at the mall when it gets too cold) and then when John is home to be able to either go swimming or do an exercise video or find an aerobics class or something a little more hard core.  That way…it’ll be like TWO types of exercise a day.  Perhaps Moms everywhere are chuckling to themselves…but we’ll see.  We will see.

It all comes down to this- I have a few weeks of nothing but unadulterated Mommyhood ahead of me.  Before we move, before I start looking for schools and baby-friendly job, etc. and  I want to see this as a challenge, see how much I can do, how many habits I can form to better myself and offspring.  And as I’m finishing this post I see myself after a night of a million feedings in dirty PJ’s staring glazingly at the wall wondering what my middle name is.  You know, either way.

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