I wonder if everyone runs out of gas sometimes. I see so many moms around me who never seem to lose it, whose children are always congenial (and well-dressed), and who manage to keep immaculate homes and families and cultivate elaborate, crafty hobbies while doing a million other things at the same time. Do they ever lose it? One specific hippy-ish mom I know floats around with her baby in a sling and talks with this tone of voice like she just woke up from a nap and found fairies and dewdrops dancing on her baby’s brow. She bugs me. Does she ever flip out?
I ran out of gas last night. Bad. I gave Camper his nighttime bottle and rocked him to sleep, gave him little kisses and swaddled him up well. And he wouldn’t go to sleep. Not even a little. 4am I finally put his pacifier in (we’re avoiding that at night) and went to lay in bed with John. I heard Camper fuss and went and put his pacifier back in and ended up sitting in the kitchen, just crying. At that moment I felt like I was never going to sleep again, ever. I just felt so done…I wasn’t really mad or even frustrated, I just felt scared that I had run out of energy or the ability to do anything for my baby. I was done. That’s when John found me, put me in bed, kissed my face, and went to sleep with Camper in his room. I cried myself to sleep and then wondered if that’s how Camper feels when he cries, tired but unable to sleep, and desperate for someone I love to come cuddle me. I eventually did fall asleep and woke up a little groggy, a little embarrassed, but better. I was even BETTER after a nap with Camper this morning in my bed, something else I don’t like to do. We REALLY want him to love his own bed.
Anyway…When John got home from school we ate dinner and then he sent me first, for a nap, then out on my own for a bit. I drove around Provo in the dark, had a grown-up conversation catching up with my friend Anisa who lives just a bit to far south for me to just “swing by,” and then ran by the grocery store. I’m home again now and honestly…still tired. But I’ll be ok.
Before you have a baby you picture everything being perfect, sleepy cuddly nighttime feedings with moonlight and cooing and lots of love. Then some more cooing while your baby drifts off into a beautiful sleep. What you actually get are nighttime feedings where lotsa love is the only thing keeping you from calling the Gypsies to see if you can schedule a pickup time. I take my hat off to any woman who braves this on her own. I am so glad to have a husband who loves me and takes care of me, even when all I can do to take care of him in return is to try and make sure he gets some veggies at least once a day and try to give him some uninterrupted sleep when I’m not crying on the kitchen floor. He even does laundry. Yup. It also helps that I can leave him with the baby with complete confidence- he actually had to show me how to NOT put a diaper on backward in the beginning.
I love my baby. He is amazing. He has added a dimension to my life that nothing else could- and I KNOW he was meant for our family. I love to watch his face and see the little ways he changes every day. I would never, never actually give him to the Gypsies. I actually missed him tonight, being out for an hour. But I gotta be honest, sometimes missing him is nice, and necessary.
