Little Kite Girl

And welcome to September.  I can’t believe it’s September.  This month, this very month, John and I will have a child.  It’s kind of crazy to think about.  I’ll get to posting more of my thoughts on September, I’m sure, but first there are some others things I wanted to write.  Warning: The following is blatantly religious material.

Yesterday was pretty good- we went to church.  I’ve been having a hard time sitting through it so I did a bit of wandering in the halls/standing in the back during meetings, and then there was the “run home” during the very middle to get something to eat, but I’m glad to say we made it.  I very rarely write publicly about my personal, spiritual impressions (feeling that they are just that, personal), but yesterday I felt like I got something I needed.  I had a little time to sit and think about the times I’ve felt the most connected to God in my life.  Interestingly enough, I don’t think it was when I was growing up, although I’m sure during that time I had kind of a naive/passive happy relationship thing going on.  My greatest times of spiritual growth and comfort seem to accompany times of greatest purpose.  When I was in Scranton and had to choose what I believed- to follow the traditions and faith that I had grown up with or embrace something else, that was my first quest.  I remember feeling very keenly that God knew who I was and that he approved of my desire to know Him.  As a budding philosophy major (oh my) I remember asking a lot of questions of a lot of people- some that could be considered irreverent or old-school “blasphemous.”  Scranton is where I learned to be mad at God, and where I learned to get over it, and where I realised that through all that, He wasn’t going to get over me.  It was a very interesting realisation.

Also, when I choose to go on a mission.  Missionary work encompasses so many things that it overwhelmed me at first.  I very quickly found out that I was pretty selfish and that it was difficult to care for the people around me.  I had to pray, a lot, that I could love and serve the people I met without thinking of myself, my lack of luxury or my physical discomfort, and amazingly, it was given to me.  I got so wrapped up in taking care of others that I often forgot myself entirely.  (Just as a side note, this is probably how I got to the point that I looked in the mirror and realised I had lost about 20 lbs. and was skin and bones…don’t worry, I gained it back no prob later on.)  When I got home from serving in London I felt like a Princess- my house was so comfortable and there seemed to be pancakes everywhere I turned (hence gaining the weight back) and when I got to BYU I felt a huge letdown.  What next?  What now?  How can I feel purposeful and close to God when all day every day all I had to do was work on my education, go to my job, work on my happiness…It was a trial for me.

Finally, though, I found another purpose in friends and family.  Funnily enough, I think there were plenty of purposes I could have found to get me through that time if I had been willing to work at it hard enough, but I was able to meet a few friends who, at the time…needed me.  Then I met John and start thinking about my family- a husband and a marriage and you better believe that through our year long dating/engagement period I learned a lot about what God thought about me and had planned for me.  Throughout that year my heart was enlightened and changed and encouraged in all new ways and I felt, again, like God was working with me in my life to find happiness.

And now.  Now now now.  For a couple of months, or maybe even longer, I’ve been a bit sick.  Things have been happening in my body that are hard to deal with- being pregnant was my very first concern and excitement, but when I found out that my baby was healthy and fine and that whatever was wrong with me affected really, only me…there was a part of me that stopped worrying about my Camper so much and started just worrying about me.  When people ask you a few times a day how you’re feeling and you have to go to special doctors to try and figure things out, it’s easy to turn inward and start to focus on yourself.  Not to mention the fact that I have an amazing husband who is incredibly concerned with my comfort and happiness, and a mother who flew across the country to live with me and make sure I got through all this ok- it makes it so easy to feel like I’m not doing very much for anyone else.

So back to yesterday…at church…we were sitting there preparing to take the Sacrament and I was reading the words of the hymns and thinking about things and I started to feel, just a little….braver.  It’s difficult for me to “contemplate Christ,” or claim “Christ as my friend” as so many people talk about.   But yesterday as I really thought about what I truly believe he did for me, I was overwhelmed with how physical it was.  His sacrifice was emotional and spiritual, but also very, very physical.  He bled, he hurt, and although I don’t deign to know or understand his feelings when facing the Atonement, I believe he even feared.  It’s possible he felt trepidation.  Here’s the thing, he did it anyway.  For Christian people this is what holds everything together- the fact that Christ sacrificed his life and suffered for us makes it possible for us to get through this life 1) with someone who understands our pains and hardships and 2) with the knowledge that we can be forgiven for all our sins and live again.  That’s pretty big.  He had a purpose, and just then, it happened to be all of mankind.

Thinking about all of this I decided to go on a little walk through the halls to ease the pain in my back, and I just looked at all the pictures of Christ we have in the building.  I realised that although I can’t do everything I love to do for my family or the people around me, that I AM doing SOMETHING.  It’s not like I’m just lounging around reading books and eating my Mom’s cooking (although to the naked eye…that IS what it looks like) but that the hardships of pregnancy and birth, added even to the hardships of just being sick are working towards a family, a baby, a new life for me AND for John and for our families.  All I can do is what I can, if that’s working just part days until I can’t anymore, trying to make sure my husband eats some of the good food my Mom is cooking and have the time and energy for school, trying to let my Mom know how appreciative I am of what she does for me…if all I can do is have deep, tremendous gratitude for being allowed to have this baby and have the time I need to get through this process, then that’s good enough for now.  That is my purpose.

John’s parents are in town, just a quick trip, and while we were visiting last night his Dad said something that had been on my mind all day long.  Often we take the best care of ourselves by taking the best care of other people.  So often what we need is what someone else needs- and while I have been the recipient of so much service the last 9 months, I just need to focus on how I can serve, too.  If I can focus on my baby and my family and not worry so much about the changes in my own body (yes, the source of much angst, I must admit) and my own pain, then perhaps this whole process can help lift me out of myself and focus on Camper and John and my other family members.  I’m hoping that is the kind of experience this is- something else to add to my list of times in my life where I was able to take whatever was happening and be closer to God because of it.  But those things don’t happen on their own.  Closeness with God comes when we take our own personal circumstances and figure out how to focus on how we can grow and live His purposes more fully.

I love the scripture:

Mosiah 5:13

For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?

We can know God in one way- by serving Him.  It is through serving Him (i.e. the people around us, in whatever way we can) that we grow close to the thoughts and intents of His heart.  Theologians and philosophers have spent centuries trying to prove (and disprove) God, to find Him, to know Him…and it all comes down to directing our lives outward in service towards others.  He’s told us where to find Him, it’s just up to us to look and to do what we can.  And that’s enough.