Ok, so a million years ago I went on like…3 dates with this LAME GUY who I only went out with because he went out with my friend the summer before. He gave her mono (I think? Or he gave someone mono?) and then asked me out the next summer (hence: LAME) and I ONLY agreed because my friend and I both thought it would be funny if I gave HIM mono. Because I had it. (Don’t ask. The official story had something to do with me sharing spoons with my floormates my freshman year at college.) But I could never kiss him because he was SO LAME. He tried and I was all, “Uh, oh no! I think I’m going to sneeze. Did I mention the mono?” (Add that to my headturn pretend puke and the handshake misdirection and I got out of a lot of kisses in my time.)
He was lame enough that on our second date he brought me over to his house and “showed me his basement,” which was really a pool table and bar covered in sports memorabilia, and then showed me his room and wanted to DANCE with me while his mom was running around the upstairs putting laundry away. (As in, “Hi kids! Hope you’re having fun. Do you want some popcorn?)
He never let me drive or pick the place we were eating (control does not equal chivalry) and so to “break it off” I called him from his driveway, drove us to get ice cream and told him that my life was so full of wonderful people I couldn’t fit anymore in. Sorry, but there’s a waiting list if you’d like to be considered for next summer. I need two letters of recommendation. (Just kidding.)(I was never this bold or sought after. I think I had serious dating anxiety, really. I always found dating humorous. Like, did you really just say that? I have absolutely no repsonse to you right now. Or… Um, why are you trying to touch my stomach? And, Ok…if you say you’re paying I’m just telling you that I’m REALLY HUNGRY RIGHT NOW kind of humorous.)
BUT the reason I’m writing this is because I was just playing around in iTunes and somehow Nobody Does it Better by Carly Simon came on, and I remembered that he told me that he listened to that when he got ready for dates.
And I’ve spent YEARS trying to remember what song it was.
*Takes deep breath.*
Finally.
I think I’ll be giggling about this to myself for the rest of the night.
