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Posts Tagged ‘religion’

“We Have a Compass”

Sunday, October 4th, 2009

So hey!  Time for a religious post!  Yay!

I spent all of today watching General Conference.  For those of you who may not know- I’m Mormon- and Conference is a semi-annual chance to hear from our leaders.  Men and women who hold different responsibilities in the worldwide church (as opposed to our leaders at the local level) prepare and give talks, and do it to an audience of about 100,000…or wait…MILLIONS of people thanks the the internet and satellite.  The talks are given for the benefit of members of the church and nonmembers alike.  The Conference is actually held over two days- but I thought it’d be easier for me to devote one whole day to it rather than two (you know…what with the baby and all) and managed to watch it pretty much nonstop today in our living room (over the internet…with the laptop hooked up to the TV).  Camper was good- ate and played and generally put up with being stuck in the house on a day when we’re usually at church- giving him ample opportunity to flirt with girls.

I usually look for something specific in Conference- one talk or one quote that will remind me why I do what I do.  Why I give up what I give up, why my faith is so important to me.  I don’t think I would have made it through the past year with all it’s heartbreak and WAITING and general harder-than-the-rest-of-my-life-so-far-edness without knowing that God loves me.  That He loves my family.  And that His timelines aren’t necessarily my timelines.  I’ve been able to wait and have patience (sometimes) and trust because of the way I FEEL His love for me.  That love is just as palpable to me as my husband’s love, or my parent’s love, or my brother or my son’s love.  I don’t think that everyone can say that, I know it hasn’t always been that way for me.  But to honestly feel like He knows what I’m going through and He is paying attention to my life, and it just helps.

What I loved about Conference today was one talk by Elder Uchtdorf (click to listen) that encouraged us to embrace what should be the defining characteristic of any Latter Day Saint- or any Christian- for that matter.  “How do we become true disciples of Jesus Christ?”  Obedience to the commandments, specifically:

Matthew 22:36-39

36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?

37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

38 This is the first and great acommandment.

39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt alove thy neighbour as thyself.
Elder Uchtdorf said:
“Because Love is the Great commandment it ought to be at the center of all and everything we do in our own family, in our church callings, and in our livelihood.”
Apparently, the Greatest Happiness we can have as people is to lose ourselves in the service of others.  I’m not always so good at this.  I can be muy selfish, a lot of the time.  But this past week I I’ve really, really tried to serve my family.  I’ve tried to attend to some of their needs, and do so without grumbling (which I did ALMOST all the way, I grumble sometimes) and to do it with love.  I’ve done it through the only tools available to me these days: food, listening, encouragement, attention, support, food…some more listening.  I didn’t do anything revolutionary or different, I just tried to do things in a different spirit…maybe.  I know I need to extend this to people outside of my family- but it’s a good start.  But what I liked about this message is that the Thing that defines us as a Faith Community isn’t a collection of doctrine or the manner in which we worship.  It is the way in which we try to be like Christ.  When we try to Love like He does.  To serve like He does.  As CORNY as that can sound, even to me, sometimes.  When we emulate Him we are working towards happiness and security and peace of mind.  and HEY, CHECK IT OUT…it’s the THREE THINGS I REALLY REALLY WANT!  Happiness….security…peace of mind…It’s that simple.  We will become the best versions of ourselves when we try to emulate His characteristics and teachings.
Elder Uchtdorf said:
“Since the beginning of time love has been the source of both the highest bliss and the heaviest burdens. At the heart of misery from the days of Adam until today you will find the love of wrong things and at the heart of joy you will find the love of good things.”
I love that.  Unhappiness comes from loving the wrong things.  From resentment and anger and unhealthy desires for more than we have.   Happiness comes from loving good things.  Our families and our roles and from wanting more than what we have, in a healthy way.  In the way that makes up get up in the morning and work hard and try to be better.
I like this because this is something I can focus on.  This isn’t above me.  It isn’t too hard to remember or to complex to implement in my life.  All I have to do is figure out ways to show love to people around me and to love good things.  All good things.  To love God, not because He needs me to, but because to get out of my HEAD and to realize how loved I AM, I need to love him.

And finally:

“Divine Love is the factor that transforms reluctant compliance with God’s commandments into blessed dedication and consecration.”

If you’re wondering how to become that kind of person,  the kind that gives and serves and believes as if it is just a part of her, a person who lifts and inspires other people and who can weather a crisis with enduring faith and perspective, it’s through love.  God’s love can transform us from people just doing what we do because we feel like we should do it to people who do what we do because it is a part of us.  And we GET that love by serving the people around us.  By trying to show them love until we feel it, or trying to show them love that we already feel.  That’s my goal.  And I’m probably going to be working on it for awhile.

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Seeking Peace

Friday, January 9th, 2009

We’ve been in MA for over two weeks now.  Looking at the dates, I could’ve sworn we’ve been here longer.  I guess it feels so long because we are still job seeking and trying to get ourselves together on this side of the world.  John has been filling out lots of applications and went yesterday to check some things out, so say a prayer that we find something soon.  Soon would be very, very good.

Today he went into the city (as in…Manhattan) to attend the temple.  I’ve never been to the Manhattan Temple, but I hope to go soon when I’ve been to the doctor and HOPEFULLY am able to travel with less discomfort.  (Next week people, hopefully we’ve figured out what it is this time…)  John and I don’t spend much time apart from one another, but since Bubby has arrived we’ve had to do more things on our own.  We take turns doing things we need/want to do that require us to be baby-free, and although I am a wee jealous that John gets to walk around the city (it would be nice to hold his hand and meander in the sunshine) I am honestly just glad he went.  For us the temple is a place where you can find extra peace, direction, and sometimes just a couple hours away from the rest of the world to center yourself and remind yourself of what is really, truly important.  And before you say it…I COMPLETELY agree, you don’t need to go to a special place to speak to God- that can happen anytime- and you don’t even need to go to a special place to hear from Him, anyone anywhere can hear from Him anytime.  BUT, sometimes it helps us feel his presence more directly when we do something special to remind ourselves to listen better.  Today John has driven a couple of hours and boarded a train and will take various other types of transport to get to the temple, at which time he will leave it all behind and hopefully have a couple hours of peaceful contemplation and hopefully feel…well…peace.  Everything will work out.

Aside from seeking for peace, and patience, I’m also seeking for some structure.  It’s so hard to feel good about what I do all day.  In some ways…it doesn’t.  When I’m snuggling Camper or talking to him or reading to him or playing with him, it feels good.  But sometimes I just feel like I’m just, here.  He honestly doesn’t need me every second, but he needs me often enough that it’s hard to do something else without interruption.  We talk and sing and read and cuddle and exercise…but what I get done in between is difficult to figure out.  Anyone have an endless list of fulfilling 15 minute activities?  I think I’m going to make it my priority to apply to school in the next few days, so at least I’m working towards that goal and getting it done.  Funnily enough, Camper doesn’t mind me being on the computer.  He likes to sit on my lap and watch me type for 20-30 minutes at a time.  Maybe he’ll learn to read this way?

We’ll see!

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Christmastime with a Little Baby Boy

Sunday, December 7th, 2008

Before I gave birth I gave the actual birth/babyhood of Jesus only a cursory thought.  It happened.  He was born, he was a baby.  Mary was his mother.  This Christmas it’s very different for me.  As I listen to the hymns and contemplate Mary riding a donkey into Bethlehem I think about how I could barely stand a five minute ride in our comfy subaru by my 8th month.  I realize that she didn’t have a labor and delivery nurse to comfort her and help her know what to do.  We don’t read anything about her having other women there, but when I think about the time she lived in I think that women probably just found each other in times like that.  Who else was there?  I think about Joseph, wishing he could take the pain away and wondering how he would do as an earthly, surrogate father for the Son of God.  We know that Christ was perfect, body and spirit, but to me that means that Mary probably had a very healthy, routine birthing experience, with all of the normal pain and discomfort that comes with it.  No NICU for Baby Jesus, no epidural for Mary.

I wonder if she felt relief and joy  as she heard his first cries, if she held him immediately or if Joseph held him first.   Did Joseph deliver him?  Did he latch on right away?  I think that Jesus was probably a normal baby in many ways, definitely extraordinary, but ordinary, too.  He relied on his Mom for comfort, cried when he wanted to be held.  As he grew he began to smile and coo at his parents.  Did he learn his consonant sounds first like most babies do? When did he first sleep through the night? Are sleepless nights just as challenging when your child is the Son of God? When did Mary first sense that sooner than most, He would mature and she would rely on him more than he would rely on her?  I wonder if in any of Christ’s adult years he felt the need to be near his mother the way I still do from time to time.  I can picture Him going to her and laying his head on her shoulder like my little brother Jonathan (now 22) does to me and my Mom.  Or did he rely soley on his Father for comfort?

Then I think about the fear.  I think that Mary was immune to some fears with regard to her child.  Maybe she didn’t have to lie awake at night pushing away images of something happening, someone stealing him away or things like SIDS.  Sometimes the fear of what could happen to Camper paralyzes me.  But I couldn’t imagine, not even for one moment, realizing that although my child was safe and protected by angels as he grew, that one day He would Atone for all mankind.  Did she know what it would entail?  Did she realize what her son would go through, or was she protected from that knowledge for as long as she could be?  I wonder if in her heart she wished that He would use His agency and protect himself from the pain, back out and live a quiet life with her and their family.  Of course she was willing to give Him up, to support Him, but I can’t even imagine the anguish she must have felt when she understood what had to be done.  The pride and awe and love she felt when she understood, even in small measure, why He was doing it.  She raised Him, He saved her.  They both did what they needed to do, but I can’t imagine even for a moment that it was easy.

All year long I  concentrate on the Living Christ, divinity- His death and resurrection.  I love Him for that.  But this Christmastime I am overwhelmed thinking about the Baby Jesus.  An infant, lying in His mother’s arms, full of potential and grace and promise in much the same way my baby lies in my arms.  Was He the Son of God?  Yes.  But He was also a little baby, and His humanity is what makes His life here so remarkable and his sacrifice so universal and saving.  And for me, this year, that is what makes Christmas special.

And I love that even after Christmastime is over, the story continues.

Luke Chapter 2:25-33

25 And, behold, there was a man in Jerusalem, whose name was Simeon; and the same man was just and devout, waiting for the consolation of Israel: and the Holy Ghost was upon him.

26 And it was revealed unto him by the Holy Ghost, that he should not see death, before he had seen the Lord’s Christ.

27 And he came by the Spirit into the temple: and when the parents brought in the child Jesus, to do for him after the custom of the law,

28 Then took he him up in his arms, and blessed God, and said,

29 Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word:

30 For mine eyes have seen thy salvation,

31 Which thou hast prepared before the face of all people;

32 A light to lighten the Gentiles, and the glory of thy people Israel.

33 And Joseph and his mother marvelled at those things which were spoken of him.

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What I Think

Monday, November 10th, 2008

So I’m finally going to post on Proposition 8.  Not because I’ve figured anything out, because I haven’t.  Not because I have any say that I think other people need to listen to, because I don’t.  Not because John posted on it today (I’ve actually been working on this for awhile…), but that’s not the reason why either.  But because I am finally so firmly set right in the middle that I don’t know what to think.  I want to say before you read this that if you begin, you need to read the whole thing.  Any one of these comments taken out of context will not help you understand how I feel about this issue.  So read it all, or move on.  Or read part and get mad.  That’s cool, too, I guess.

Previously, my thoughts have been this: I don’t feel that the government should interfere in personal relationships, that love can’t be legislated, and that no matter how the word “marriage” is defined in any dictionary or constitution, it will not stop people from loving other people, regardless of gender.  As a result I felt that a piece of legislation saying that it did not recognize a relationship between two people was unnecessary at best, intolerant at worst, not to mention impotent.  Such a thing would be an insult to a small community of people, and that’s about it.  Now, however, I don’t know what to think.  All of a sudden it seems like there is something to be lost of either side of the debate.  It is not as clean cut as letting people make their own choices.  Is it true that letting someone else make their choice could eventually take away mine?

I, personally, don’t believe that a homosexual relationship is right.  That is a very specific statement dealing specifically with my personal life and religion.  Saying, however, that it’s not “valid,” as the proposition states, seems rough.  The words to be added to the constitution, for those who don’t know, are these: “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.”  Who can tell who that their relationship is not valid?  Recognized is one thing, valid is another thing altogether. To take it further, I shudder to think about situations in which someone’s partner could not make medical decisions for him or her in case of emergencies, or where a death would result in no rights for a long-time and much-loved companion.  But from what I understand, those rights are already protected in many states.  But I haven’t seen the laws that protect those rights.   I actually need to look those up so that I can understand this issue a little better.

What I’ve learned recently is that if marriage is not “protected,” there may come a time when my children will learn about same-sex marriage in school without my consent or foreknowledge, where my religion is forced to perform same sex marriages or no marriages at all, or where my rights as a heterosexual woman who has specific religious beliefs will be affected.  On one hand I see a group of people being allowed to make their own choices as to what they believe and their ability to act on those beliefs, and on the other hand I see another group of people being allowed to make their own choices as to what they believe and their ability to act on those beliefs.  So who wins?  The group with the loudest voice- through the vote.  In THAT way I feel like Proposition 8 is justified.  It was put to a vote, which is fair, right?  That’s why there is a vote in the first place?  I’m still not sure.

Here’s the thing.  I’m actually not too worried about Camper learning about same sex couples in school.  Why?  Because I plan to talk to him about things before (sometimes unavoidably after) they come up.  That might be sex, drugs, other people’s choices, whatever it may be.  I will not shelter my son from differences, whether they be lifestyle, religion, culture, etc.  because I think that he needs to know to make his own choices valid, and to have an argument better than, “Because Jesus says so,” when questioned about his actions.  Although the “Jesus says so” argument is good enough for me, in a lot of ways, I think that the world sometimes needs more insight into our choices, and we can often give it to them if we think about it a little bit.

As for my church being forced to perform same sex marriages…I’m not sure about that… Could those 14 words, which would allow same sex unions by law, mean that any institution that doesn’t allow them are then breaking the law?  Because that’s obviously not right, either. Not even all heterosexual couples are able to be married in LDS Temples unless they live certain standards of worthiness.  We all need to live a certain kind of life to gain what we have come to recognize as eternal blessings. I believe that The Family: A Proclamation to the World is the word of God.  That proclamation defines marriage as one man, one woman.  I also don’t believe anyone should be forced to live my beliefs.  But I ALSO don’t believe my sacred places should be shared with people who don’t hold them sacred.  You can see how this is going around and around in my head now?

There will be people who will question my faith because I admit I’m unsure.  They will ask if I believe in the prophet, Thomas S. Monson.  Maybe they’ll even be mad at me for not just knowing exactly what to do after I’ve been told what to do, very clearly at that.  That’s the thing- I’m so used to being admonished by my clerical leaders to “Vote my conscience,” that I’ve grown accustomed to thinking things through for myself.  All of a sudden they come out with a very real stance on an issue and I’m not sure how to react.  What happened to my conscience?  Is that not good enough?  Maybe this time it’s not.  In my mind I hear the words “Watchmen on the tower,” and wonder if by being encouraged to work against same sex marriage being made into law I am being encouraged to avoid a future that would be harmful to my rights or my family.  I don’t know.  I am glad, this time around at least, that I do not live in California and did not have to vote yes or no on this proposition.  On one hand taking away someone’s legal right to be married, and on the other hand giving up my right to…well, I don’t know what.

This much I DO know: There will come a time when it will not be good enough to live my own life in peace and let others do the same. I will have to fight for what I want and know to be true even at the expense of the rights of others.  I hope that by that time I will be brave enough to make the choices I need to, or have a clear enough understanding of why a law can’t be written that allows people to choose how they want to live their lives without taking away that same right from others.  Agency, the right of choice, is an eternal right given to us by God.  It seems like people often legislate that right away, or at the very least assign consequences to choices that I sometimes don’t understand.

I guess I know what to think, I’m just not comfortable with a world in which I have to think it.  I wish I could live my life and love my family and allow others to do the same without fearing that my world could be taken away.  It seems that fear is at the root of all of this.  Fear that I will lose what I cherish most because someone else decided to cherish something different.  I stand by my belief that people can choose whatever they want, whether or not I agree with it, regardless of what I think God thinks about it.  I just hope I never have to give up my compassion for others in order to be allowed to live what I believe.

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Some Thoughts From Sunday

Monday, September 1st, 2008

And welcome to September.  I can’t believe it’s September.  This month, this very month, John and I will have a child.  It’s kind of crazy to think about.  I’ll get to posting more of my thoughts on September, I’m sure, but first there are some others things I wanted to write.  Warning: The following is blatantly religious material.

Yesterday was pretty good- we went to church.  I’ve been having a hard time sitting through it so I did a bit of wandering in the halls/standing in the back during meetings, and then there was the “run home” during the very middle to get something to eat, but I’m glad to say we made it.  I very rarely write publicly about my personal, spiritual impressions (feeling that they are just that, personal), but yesterday I felt like I got something I needed.  I had a little time to sit and think about the times I’ve felt the most connected to God in my life.  Interestingly enough, I don’t think it was when I was growing up, although I’m sure during that time I had kind of a naive/passive happy relationship thing going on.  My greatest times of spiritual growth and comfort seem to accompany times of greatest purpose.  When I was in Scranton and had to choose what I believed- to follow the traditions and faith that I had grown up with or embrace something else, that was my first quest.  I remember feeling very keenly that God knew who I was and that he approved of my desire to know Him.  As a budding philosophy major (oh my) I remember asking a lot of questions of a lot of people- some that could be considered irreverent or old-school “blasphemous.”  Scranton is where I learned to be mad at God, and where I learned to get over it, and where I realised that through all that, He wasn’t going to get over me.  It was a very interesting realisation.

Also, when I choose to go on a mission.  Missionary work encompasses so many things that it overwhelmed me at first.  I very quickly found out that I was pretty selfish and that it was difficult to care for the people around me.  I had to pray, a lot, that I could love and serve the people I met without thinking of myself, my lack of luxury or my physical discomfort, and amazingly, it was given to me.  I got so wrapped up in taking care of others that I often forgot myself entirely.  (Just as a side note, this is probably how I got to the point that I looked in the mirror and realised I had lost about 20 lbs. and was skin and bones…don’t worry, I gained it back no prob later on.)  When I got home from serving in London I felt like a Princess- my house was so comfortable and there seemed to be pancakes everywhere I turned (hence gaining the weight back) and when I got to BYU I felt a huge letdown.  What next?  What now?  How can I feel purposeful and close to God when all day every day all I had to do was work on my education, go to my job, work on my happiness…It was a trial for me.

Finally, though, I found another purpose in friends and family.  Funnily enough, I think there were plenty of purposes I could have found to get me through that time if I had been willing to work at it hard enough, but I was able to meet a few friends who, at the time…needed me.  Then I met John and start thinking about my family- a husband and a marriage and you better believe that through our year long dating/engagement period I learned a lot about what God thought about me and had planned for me.  Throughout that year my heart was enlightened and changed and encouraged in all new ways and I felt, again, like God was working with me in my life to find happiness.

And now.  Now now now.  For a couple of months, or maybe even longer, I’ve been a bit sick.  Things have been happening in my body that are hard to deal with- being pregnant was my very first concern and excitement, but when I found out that my baby was healthy and fine and that whatever was wrong with me affected really, only me…there was a part of me that stopped worrying about my Camper so much and started just worrying about me.  When people ask you a few times a day how you’re feeling and you have to go to special doctors to try and figure things out, it’s easy to turn inward and start to focus on yourself.  Not to mention the fact that I have an amazing husband who is incredibly concerned with my comfort and happiness, and a mother who flew across the country to live with me and make sure I got through all this ok- it makes it so easy to feel like I’m not doing very much for anyone else.

So back to yesterday…at church…we were sitting there preparing to take the Sacrament and I was reading the words of the hymns and thinking about things and I started to feel, just a little….braver.  It’s difficult for me to “contemplate Christ,” or claim “Christ as my friend” as so many people talk about.   But yesterday as I really thought about what I truly believe he did for me, I was overwhelmed with how physical it was.  His sacrifice was emotional and spiritual, but also very, very physical.  He bled, he hurt, and although I don’t deign to know or understand his feelings when facing the Atonement, I believe he even feared.  It’s possible he felt trepidation.  Here’s the thing, he did it anyway.  For Christian people this is what holds everything together- the fact that Christ sacrificed his life and suffered for us makes it possible for us to get through this life 1) with someone who understands our pains and hardships and 2) with the knowledge that we can be forgiven for all our sins and live again.  That’s pretty big.  He had a purpose, and just then, it happened to be all of mankind.

Thinking about all of this I decided to go on a little walk through the halls to ease the pain in my back, and I just looked at all the pictures of Christ we have in the building.  I realised that although I can’t do everything I love to do for my family or the people around me, that I AM doing SOMETHING.  It’s not like I’m just lounging around reading books and eating my Mom’s cooking (although to the naked eye…that IS what it looks like) but that the hardships of pregnancy and birth, added even to the hardships of just being sick are working towards a family, a baby, a new life for me AND for John and for our families.  All I can do is what I can, if that’s working just part days until I can’t anymore, trying to make sure my husband eats some of the good food my Mom is cooking and have the time and energy for school, trying to let my Mom know how appreciative I am of what she does for me…if all I can do is have deep, tremendous gratitude for being allowed to have this baby and have the time I need to get through this process, then that’s good enough for now.  That is my purpose.

John’s parents are in town, just a quick trip, and while we were visiting last night his Dad said something that had been on my mind all day long.  Often we take the best care of ourselves by taking the best care of other people.  So often what we need is what someone else needs- and while I have been the recipient of so much service the last 9 months, I just need to focus on how I can serve, too.  If I can focus on my baby and my family and not worry so much about the changes in my own body (yes, the source of much angst, I must admit) and my own pain, then perhaps this whole process can help lift me out of myself and focus on Camper and John and my other family members.  I’m hoping that is the kind of experience this is- something else to add to my list of times in my life where I was able to take whatever was happening and be closer to God because of it.  But those things don’t happen on their own.  Closeness with God comes when we take our own personal circumstances and figure out how to focus on how we can grow and live His purposes more fully.

I love the scripture:

Mosiah 5:13

For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart?

We can know God in one way- by serving Him.  It is through serving Him (i.e. the people around us, in whatever way we can) that we grow close to the thoughts and intents of His heart.  Theologians and philosophers have spent centuries trying to prove (and disprove) God, to find Him, to know Him…and it all comes down to directing our lives outward in service towards others.  He’s told us where to find Him, it’s just up to us to look and to do what we can.  And that’s enough.

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