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Posts Tagged ‘SAHM’

Adjustment

Monday, March 16th, 2009

So last night was the big night.  John worked the night shift, and I stayed home with Bubby.  Luckily he slept pretty well- woke up at 11:30pm, 4am, and then finally 6:30 am.  I’m forgoing my normal morning nap trying to get used to it (honestly, I got about 8 cumulative hours last night, I shouldn’t even be tired).  I missed John.  It was weird not having him next to me all night, but I think I handled it.  Camper did pee out of his PJ’s- twice- which makes me think that it just might be time to up his diaper size again.

In other news, I was weighing in at -3lbs. (I’ll just share the total weight lost, ok?) last night.  That makes me happy for 4 days!  This morning I was at -5, but I think that’s just the difference in time I weighed myself.  A late afternoon weighing is the most accurate, since that’s when I started.  All in all, I want to lose the recommended 2 lbs. a week.  Not crazy, just steady.  Once I get to my goal weight (-18 total) I can just maintain from there.  So far the food has been good.  I’ll have to share some of my recipes and things I’m cooking.  It’s a little difficult to make dinner for everyone and figure out how much of it I can eat, considering I have to measure everything, but figuring it out is the hardest part.  I find the portion sizes to be filling.  I think I’m eating a lot more healthily, too.  I figure in a couple of months I’ll have a collection of recipes that I’ve figured out how to make/adapt for the family and eat what I need to, too.  Tonight it’s WW’s recipe Chicken with Warm Bean Salsa.  It says it makes enough for 4…so I’m going to double it to feed everyone, and hopefully they get full.  I might have to set mine aside so that I can measure it out and make sure I’m not eating too much.  Last night was Chicken and Broccoli Pasta- my own creation.  Twas yummy.  And tomorrow I’m going to figure something out besides chicken ;)

I think I know why some women love to cook so much.  When you realize how much work it is to plan/execute good, healthy meals for your family, you either have to learn to love it and do it well or hate your life in general.  With the planning, shopping, cooking, etc. a SAHM’s job is pretty well planned out for her.  Seriously.  I just hope that I get to the point where I can just make healthy, filling things without so much effort.  I’ve seen it done.  I’m sure I’ll get there.

So now we’re onto our first day minus the Daddy.  Is this what it’s like for people who’s spouses have to go to work?  There’s no running off to Costco or BabiesRUs together, no sneaking some secret chicken nuggets, no watching things on the DVR or going for a drive.  It’s sad!  John seemed to be ok when he got home this morning, cuddled the Bubbs and gave him a bottle, then went up to his lair to sleep for a while.  He officially has his own bedroom now…we put a bed in the office so that he can sleep hopefully undisturbed, and it worked out perfectly for him yesterday afternoon.  It’s the same twin bed that we had in Bubby’s room in Provo, which as I remember is rather comfy.  A blackout curtain in the window, some white noise on the iPod…and I’m hoping we have a relatively well-rested husband/father.  And since I’m sending him to work with 2 different kinds of veggies in his dinner…maybe he’ll be nourished as well.  One can only hope.

So yes, I’m adjusting.  Let’s hope everyone else is, too.

Brand New Day Today

Friday, February 27th, 2009

John fixed the elliptical.  So today, not Monday, TODAY, not next week, I decided to start.  I got the bright idea to get some books on CD to listen to while I work out.  Music doesn’t distract me enough, and if I can’t get outside because of the snow and the ice, and I have to be in basement, I really need something to distract me.  Just some chick lit- I’ll let you know what I think of them as I hear a little more.  Just 20 minutes today, more tomorrow.  I know that working out will help with the IBS (now officially diagnosed, no colonoscopy, I went to the doctor again) and also with the entrapment I sometimes feel as a SAHM. Just sometimes.

John heads off to the library every day now to work on his writing.  First, his application for a grad school program and then another project he’s been wanting to focus on.  I think it’s been good for him to have somewhere to go where I can get him to “hold Bubby for just a minute” and good for me to learn how to do stuff without so many pairs of arms around to help. (Let’s not fool ourselves, I’ve still got help) but honestly, I just gotta figure life out.  One day, God willing, we will have a steady income and a place of our own, and I better know how to go to the bathroom without hiring a babysitter or I’m in trouble.  OK, it’s not as bad as that.  I can be pretty independent as a Mommy, but  I’ve still got some learning to do.

As for what I’m going to be up to as John writes and when he gets work, I think I’ve found a Mommy Baby group to start going to.   I just hope with my new stomach regime I’ll be able to get a handle of my ISSUES and get out.  Also, I officially have my first TWO piano students!  I had a listing on craiglist for beginning piano lessons, and after a few crazy emails I got one that was a legit inquiry into my services.  I went for a consultation last night- their house- not mine- and was a wee wigged out to be going to someone’s house I didn’t know.  At all.  (Shouldn’t have seen Taken, huh?)  So I hired help- brought my brother along as my thug in the car.  I promised him Taco Bell for his services, and instructed him that if I didn’t come out in 20 minutes to call me because I was probably in distress.  An hour after arriving and after I visited with the NICEST family in the entire world, I walked outside to a brother who had been trying to figure out how to climb the side of the mansion they lived in, enter through the bathroom and save me before they cut me into a thousand pieces.  I felt bad that I broke the protocol and freaked him out, but I seriously have the best brother ever.

The funny part was that new piano student codename: Speedracer (younger brother figure) kept looking out the window “checking” on Jonathan, worried that I left my “little brother” in the car.  I told him that my little brother was no longer little, and he was just fine.  I don’t know if they realized why I brought him along or not, but I don’t care.  I’m just not into death and disappearing, and although I was super lucky and they are very nice (and had TWO kids to teach, not just 1!) I’ve definitely walked into houses before and feared for my life.  Call it a side effect to serving a mission in Brixton.  What can ya do? But I was lucky, there was no near-death experience, and I will now be teaching Speedracer and sister Ballerina, who are both amazingly nice children being raised by charming and respectful parents.  I almost didn’t feel shy at their house.  Almost.

So that should be fun.  I get to prepare lessons again, and I am going to love being “forced” to spend more time with the piano.  I’ll have to post some of my lesson materials so anyone who so desires can use them with their kids.  I already have a few games planned out to help Speedracer learn the names of the notes on the staff.

Also, yesterday, I made some more Bubby food.  I think squash is by far the nicest, most pleasing veggie to steam and puree.  It turned out really smooth and pretty.  Even more than the carrots!  Let’s hope he likes it.

And the Swaddle Continues

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

I think we’re learning how to “embrace” Camper’s sleeping schedule.  A friend of mine told me that she gives her baby boy warm bottles at night, as opposed to room temperature, and that it helps him sleep longer.  I was reluctant to try warming bottles because I was afraid that Camper wouldn’t take the lukewarm ones anymore.  I love that he will take a bottle at the mall or in the car, where ever he gets hungry! But when I heard that it helped HER baby sleep better I thought that it would be nice for my Camper to go to bed with a warm tummy…so we tried it.  The warm bottle combined with the swaddle (thanks Rebecca!! We even ordered a second one, did I tell you that?) helped him sleep for 5 hours in a row.  I woke up to him in his crib making happy little talking noises, and when I picked him up he smiled at me! Now we give him warm bottles at night and early in the morning (his 3 am feedings, etc.) and I think it helps him tell the difference between night and day.  We can only hope!

The last couple of days he’s actually been in bed about 10 or 10:30, wakes up around 2:30 or 3am and eats.  Then he goes right back down and wakes up at 6am.  I tried to get him to go back to sleep after 6 as well, but that seemed futile.  So now I just start some laundry, play with him…chat and cuddle and even do tummy time (he seems to have the most energy for it this early!) and then he gets sleepy around 8am and will sleep in his bouncy chair all swaddled up.  I’m hoping he’ll go back into his crib and sleep because I played with him and cuddled him when he woke up, so he’ll be all tired out and get a GOOD nap and avoid the 10am meltdown we’ve experienced for a week or so now.  I would LOVE a routine, even if it meant a 6am wakeup time.  But who knows, I’m not sure he’s quite old enough to stick to one routine yet.  I’m just happy if he goes to bed before 1am and stays in bed for 5 or 6 hours a night.  Happier Mommy and Daddy, happier baby, happier everyone!

It’s been a nice couple of days.  We went to church on Sunday, had a meal and relaxed at home.  I was meant to go out with Anisa on Monday, but her brother-in-law passed away last week.  It was very sudden, our thoughts are with you girly.  Let me know if you need anything.

I did end up going to see Twilight.  John was already planning on staying home with the Camper, and I honestly just needed an afternoon out.  (Still going with Anisa, too, just for the record).  I saw the movie all by me onesie (don’t know why I felt I needed to be all Pirates about that sentence) and then swung by the gym on my way home.  I will reserve my formal judgment for after a lengthy discussion with Anisa- during we which we probably pick it completely apart and come up with a long list of things we liked and things we didn’t…but I will say…well.  Nothing.  I’m going to wait.

Now it’s time to do all the laundry we can (Camper delivers a streaming supply…so it’s never “done”), clean the house, and start packing so we can start out tomorrow morning for Many Farms and Thanksgiving with John’s parents.  I’m feeling a little wary about the drive with the wee one, but I think he’ll do ok.  Might just take us a bit longer to get down there.  I’m excited for Camper to have an extended visit with his Grandma and Grandpa Hattaway.  They’ve visited a couple of times, in the NICU and about a week after the baby came home, but spending a few days will be really nice.  I think it’ll be fun to tell Camper that he spent his first Thanksgiving on a Navejo reservation with his grandparents who were serving a mission.  That is certainly something to be proud of, and we are grateful for the blessings that come from having family on a mission.

I was initally worried about Jonathan for Thanksgiving, he wanted to come with us but had to work, so he’s going to a friend’s for the holiday.  I may make a pie when I get back, just to make sure he’s had enough.  I wonder if I’ll ever get over worrying about and taking care of my little brother?  Hope not.  He’s a good one.

My first Thanksgiving here (i.e. Utah) I was meant to go to a mission companion’s house, but ended up not feeling well that morning and spending the day watching movies and eating Tilapia with John.  It was our first holiday together. The first time he pretended to like my cooking.  Ah the memories, sigh.  This will be our third Thanksgiving together, and as I was falling asleep last night I remembered what it felt like to be nervous around him, when the relationship was new.  I can’t believe how much we have learned about each other, how much we improve each other and offer each other, and how things get better with each passing year.  Two Thanksgiving’s ago I was thankful for a new person in my life, challenging and loving and fun.  Now I’m Thankful for the same thing, miniature version, as well as the original.  My husband and my son are first on my list for what I’m grateful for, followed by a long line of names of family and friends who I couldn’t live life happily without. You know who you are.  Thanks for being you, and being there for me.

This is me, signing off until after the Holiday.  Have a good one, everyone.

Return to Campus

Friday, November 21st, 2008

I went to campus this morning.  I was expecting to be hit by a huge wave of nostalgia, but I was not.  Maybe I haven’t been far away enough to get hit by the smell and the atmosphere.  Usually when I walk back into a place I spent so much time I take one whiff and millions of memories flood back in, and I  miss it.  I parked my car and started walking towards the building where I was going to meet with one of my professors (I need letters of recommendation) and it…just was.  I didn’t feel like I belonged there, I didn’t feel like I didn’t.  I didn’t feel nostalgic (although I did walk by the room where John and I met because I had some extra time :)) and the buildings just seemed, smaller somehow.  Campus is beautiful, like it always is.  Beautiful buildings and beautiful snow-capped mountains, lots of beautiful things.  It was funny seeing the students walking around, some sleeping on the couches and benches in the humanities buildings.  All I could think was, “You have no idea what exhaustion is, my friends.”  Unless, of course, they have a newborn, too.  It’s BYU.  Could happen.

My meeting with my professor was nice.  We talked about family and goals and about the classes I took from him.  He’s retiring next year (most likely, he said) and I was just really glad that I got to have his class while I was at BYU.  There were only three classes I took there that I actually loved or that I thought really challenged me in the way that I enjoy.  He taught two of them.  He told me that he would definitely write my letter of recommendation and thought that my current “degree” plan was very smart.  He said, though, that he wanted me to write my own letter first and send it to him.  He wants to know what I think of myself.  My first thought was “awkward,” and then I realized I have no idea what I would say about my student-self.  I’m not sure how to approach this task.  I guess we’ll see how it turns out.  I should be able to submit all my applications before we move, I’ve been studying in the evenings to prepare for the GRE.   I just hope I still have test-taking skills.  When I started at Westminster I was so excited to start a grad program, but two things happened: I realized that I didn’t like the construct  of the program, or the teachers (at least one of them anyway…), and then I realized that I had taken on too much.  Pregnancy, full-time job, plus being a wife and taking care of our home (which we definitely shared, and still share) was wayyyyy to much for me, especially because my pregnancy turned out to be so challenging.  But this NEW idea (which I’ll share in more detail, soon), I think it’s got a shot.  And it plays into our ideal future, which is an ever-changing, revolving type goal.  One of the most amazing things about being in love with someone is dreaming with them, thinking about the future and making plans, and then adapting those plans as real life presents itself.  John and I have been doing this a lot lately and I think we’ve got a series of very interesting ideas.  Again, perphaps there will be more to share a little later on.

And as for today, it’s FRIDAY!  John has a ton of campus stuff to do- class, test, meetings, etc.  I’m going to the gym later.  I actually felt really good walking around campus today, I think I might try and take Camper over there before it gets too cold.  It’s beautiful and hilly enough that you feel the burn a bit.  Or at least I do, because I’m weak, yo.  It’s a stroller friendly campus, as well.  Not too much cobblestone.  This weekend should probably be restful, calm, etc.  We’re going to need to start packing and getting ready for the move.  But we have at least one more adventure planned before we go- a trip down to visit John’s parents on the reservation for Thanksgiving.  Long drive #1 with Le Camper.

So, here’s a question…I’ve been going back and forth with whether or not to get some sort of tree for our apartment.  We’re moving right before Christmas, and I KNOW my Mom will have a beautiful tree when we get to the other side (she always does :)) but I don’t want to miss that after-Thanksgiving tradition of putting up the tree and decorating.  There is nothing like a dark, cold evening tucked inside your house just cuddling in light given off by the tree lights.  And I’m SURE Camper would stare at it a bit.  I’m thinking of getting a small tree, one that can sit on the little table we got for Camper’s room.  I don’t know…is it worth it?  You only get one Christmas a year…and it’s my absolute favorite holiday.  We’ll see.

Have a good Friday everyone :) I’m off to play with my baby, who is very smiley and conversational at the moment.

A Few Days

Wednesday, November 19th, 2008

It’s been a few days…I’m not sure why I haven’t posted.  I’m actually not sure when I posted last, could have been yesterday for all I know.  But it feels like at least a couple of days.  Yesterday was nice, Alicia brought her baby over for a visit and we took a look at her pump together.  It seems to be malfunctioning- so hopefully she gets that fixed up soon.  Then Jonathan came over and we took a walk around the mall for a bit, long enough for Camper to get fussy and mad and then come back home.  We tried him back on the regular formula again to see if the medicine fixed his problems.  Guess what.  It didn’t.  So sensitive it is.

Then Jonathan hung out and held Camper for a couple hours so that I could clean the house- which is nice.  It’s SO NICE to be able to start something and finish it without a hundred interruptions, or weighing the pros and cons of allowing my baby to see me while I clean (which would keep him calm) and at the same time exposing him to noxious fumes.  Ew.  Wall-E arrived before John got home, and so we were able to cuddle with some blankets and our baby and watch it.  It was seriously cute, and I really appreciated the Mac-ness of it.  I really want a Mac.  Anyway.  It occurred to me that I don’t have a lot of “boy” kid movies- who knows, maybe he’ll want to watch Little Mermaid.  But Wall-E might be more interesting, along with Aladdin (I remember my brother always liking that one), I really want to get Finding Nemo and Kung Fu Panda, but YO.  Those movies are expensive.  He’s too young now, anyway, so maybe we’ll do one at a time.  I think I have Monster’s Inc. at home…I’ll have to go through and see.  But I wonder, are boys just more likely to watch movies like that over Cinderella and Snow White in general, or are they more prone to watching them because that’s what we show them?  I’m not sure, because I watched a lot of “girl movies” when I was growing up and I’m sure my brother watched them too, and he still calls them “chick flicks.”  So who knows.

So I’m getting the hang of this Mom thing a little more.  For instance, I’m figuring out that if I want lunch at a normal time, I should make both my lunch and a bottle about half an hour before Camper is due to eat and then set them both on the table next to my chair so that I can eat the same time he does.  It’s kind of nice because then I feel like I’m eating with him.  It cuts down on my selection…usually something like sandwiches or cheese and crackers, no soup or saucy things…but hey.  It’s eating.

Camper got his 2 month shots today.  It broke my heart into a million kajillion pieces.  For a few reasons…really.  But the BIGGEST reason was to hear him scream, and even worse to see him jump with pain at the injections.  When he gets really mad he yells, “Maaaaa, maaaaaa, maaaaaaa” and his lip quivers.  I know he’s not really calling me, but it still makes me sad.  I just wanted to cuddle him all night.  So after a bath and a bottle, that’s what we’ve been doing.  John is cuddling him and doing school work, and I’m cuddling him and studying for the GRE.  We’ve both got to-do lists for this week dealing with schools and plans and all kinds of things…so here’s hoping we get through them ok.  I’m planning on taking the GRE on December 5th or 6th.  I haven’t taken a test in a long time- wish me luck!

That’s all for now, just winding down and about to have some of what John lovingly calls, “cardboard pizza,” the fake uber-cheap frozen kind.  Yum.  Preparing for tomorrow when I’ll go to the gym, get some more paperwork and applications done, and hopefully get to some phone calls.  I HATE having to make phone calls while taking care of a 2 month old.  Like that insurance guy is going to “understand” when Camper decides to pitch a fit.  You spend the first few minutes of any “errand” type phone call just trying to get the other person understand what you need.  To then hang up because your baby needs attention and have to call back later and get a new person is a small tragedy in the world of a SAHM.  Sigh.  I’ll get the hang of it one day.

Nothing Else to Give

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

I wonder if everyone runs out of gas sometimes.  I see so many moms around me who never seem to lose it, whose children are always congenial (and well-dressed), and who manage to keep immaculate homes and families and cultivate elaborate, crafty hobbies while doing a million other things at the same time.  Do they ever lose it?  One specific hippy-ish mom I know floats around with her baby in a sling and talks with this tone of voice like she just woke up from a nap and found fairies and dewdrops dancing on her baby’s brow.  She bugs me.  Does she ever flip out?

I ran out of gas last night.  Bad.  I gave Camper his nighttime bottle and rocked him to sleep, gave him little kisses and swaddled him up well.  And he wouldn’t go to sleep.  Not even a little.  4am I finally put his pacifier in (we’re avoiding that at night) and went to lay in bed with John.  I heard Camper fuss and went and put his pacifier back in and ended up sitting in the kitchen, just crying.  At that moment I felt like I was never going to sleep again, ever.  I just felt so done…I wasn’t really mad or even frustrated, I just felt scared that I had run out of energy or the ability to do anything for my baby.  I was done.  That’s when John found me, put me in bed, kissed my face, and went to sleep with Camper in his room.  I cried myself to sleep and then wondered if that’s how Camper feels when he cries, tired but unable to sleep, and desperate for someone I love to come cuddle me.  I eventually did fall asleep and woke up a little groggy, a little embarrassed, but better.  I was even BETTER after a nap with Camper this morning in my bed, something else I don’t like to do.  We REALLY want him to love his own bed.

Anyway…When John got home from school we ate dinner and then he sent me first, for a nap, then out on my own for a bit.  I drove around Provo in the dark, had a grown-up conversation catching up with my friend Anisa who lives just a bit to far south for me to just “swing by,” and then ran by the grocery store.  I’m home again now and honestly…still tired.  But I’ll be ok.

Before you have a baby you picture everything being perfect, sleepy cuddly nighttime feedings with moonlight and cooing and lots of love. Then some more cooing while your baby drifts off into a beautiful sleep.   What you actually get are nighttime feedings where lotsa love is the only thing keeping you from calling the Gypsies to see if you can schedule a pickup time.  I take my hat off to any woman who braves this on her own.  I am so glad to have a husband who loves me and takes care of me, even when all I can do to take care of him in return is to try and make sure he gets some veggies at least once a day and try to give him some uninterrupted sleep when I’m not crying on the kitchen floor.  He even does laundry.  Yup.  It also helps that I can leave him with the baby with complete confidence- he actually had to show me how to NOT put a diaper on backward in the beginning.

I love my baby.  He is amazing.  He has added a dimension to my life that nothing else could- and I KNOW he was meant for our family.  I love to watch his face and see the little ways he changes every day.  I would never, never actually give him to the Gypsies.  I actually missed him tonight, being out for an hour.  But I gotta be honest, sometimes missing him is nice, and necessary.

Sleeping and Not Sleeping- What I’ve Learned After 1 Month of Parenthood

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008

I just went and got Camper out of his crib and he is snoozing next to me as I write this.  Tip for first time parents: get a bouncy chair!  We bought a swing and called it good, but then I realized: what if I have to go to the bathroom?  Or wash dishes?  Am I really going to lug the big swing around everywhere?  Turns out Camper very nearly hates the swing and loves his little vibrating bouncy chair.  It gives us a few minutes here and there to do some things we need or want to do while he is comfortable and happy.  BOUNCY CHAIR.  Totally worth it.

So John took the night shift last night, sleeping in Camper’s room and everything.  I don’t really remember what exactly happened last night.  I know I tried to take my “nap” around 10:30, and failed.  It is SO FRUSTRATING to find yourself unable to sleep during alotted sleep time.  I came back into the living room and ended up losing it because I was so tired and had missed my “sleep window.”  Next thing I knew I was in bed (still sniffling, silly Erin) and falling asleep thinking that John was going to wake me in a couple hours so that I could get a little rest before hanging with C-Man while John slept.  When John came in I opened my eyes and saw SUNSHINE outside of the window.  SUNSHINE.  That means it was pass 7am!  In fact it was about 9am, and I had gotten (drumroll please) 7 HOURS OF SLEEP.  IN A ROW.  John is now sleeping a couple of hours before he goes to his class today, and I’m just super, super grateful for a husband that sees the breaking point and does more than kiss me on the forehead and say, “Sorry it’s so rough, love you, goodnight” and head off to bed.  We are in a unique position at the moment in that we have given in to poverty, started living off our savings, and dedicated the time before we move to being home with Camper and allowing John as much time as possible to concentrate on school.   This might be the only time we are ever able to do this- spend so much time together with our newborn baby.  One day there will be real jobs  and next time around we will have not one child but two.  I’m just trying to appreciate what we’ve got going here, even though I would probably pay the NICU double if I could have my favorite nurse work nighshifts for us here at home for a week so I could cuddle and chat with John before falling asleep again.

Honestly, I think Camper is doing pretty well the last couple of days on the sleeping front.  He has slept at least 3 or 4 hours in a row in his crib at night (starting at varied times) and about 2 or 3 hours crib sleep during the day.  The rest of his sleep is either on John or myself, or in the bouncy chair.  We really, really want to set him up to be an independent sleeper, which means following certain rules that make life a little difficult for us at times.

Rule #1) Camper does not sleep with us in our bed, or co-sleep at night.

I recognize that co-sleeping is important to some parents.  I admit it does feel nice to have his little body next to mine.  I do sometimes sleep with him in the little twin bed in his room during the day (ok….I did it ONCE in the big bed…but only during the day!!).  The days that John has school all day can be tiring and sometimes I need a nap.  You do what you have to do.  But I am so reluctant to co-sleep with him at night because although a newborn is easy to sleep with, a three year old, I’m guessing, is not.  I want him to be able to call out to us and have us come to comfort him, but not be in the habit of just “sleeping with Mom and Dad.”

Rule #2) After eating Camper gets crib time.

This may last 5 minutes, it may last 4 hours, it all depends on him.  When he is full and changed and burped and comfy we lay him down in his crib.  Sometimes he goes right to sleep, sometimes he screams, and sometimes he just lays there and looks at the stuff in his room.  If he cries we comfort him, give him some love and put him back.  Sometimes he does a fake cry, as in cries until we come into the room and then looks downright happy until we walk away.  Then we just play with him for a minute and then leave him on his own again.  When his cries escalate, we pick him up and give him love or see if he needs to burp.  If he’s just playing I’ll generally leave him in there for about 15 minutes and then go and get him and bring him out to hang with us because he’s not sleepy.  I relish the moments when I can teach him that he does NOT need to cry to get out of his crib, but just show us that he’s a happy, but not sleepy, baby.

Rule #3) Put a sleepy baby in bed, not a sleeping baby.

This happens more when I hold him than when John does, but sometimes Camper will get really wiggly, rub his eyes, and fuss a little when I’m rocking him.  This tells me that he is tired but uncomfortable, and wonder of wonders, wants to stretch out in his crib to sleep.  I like putting him in his crib when his eyes are open and pat his belly til he falls asleep because then he is AWARE he is in there.  Then he is less likely to fall alseep on Mom or Dad and wake up all alone.  Maybe he isn’t aware of anything this young, but as he gets older hopefully he’ll see that the crib is the sleeping place and be used to it.

Rule #4) When the eyes close, the pacifier comes out.

Oh my this one is hard.  We use pacifiers to calm Camper down and to give him something to suck.  Because he was breastfed for almost a month he grew accustomed to sucking, then eating, then sucking, then eating.  With a bottle you can’t do this because it will drown him if he’s not swallowing, and if the bottle is empty you are asking for hours of gassy screaming if you let him just suck on air for a bit.  Sometimes we use the pacifier in the middle of a feeding to slow him down a bit and simulate that “suckle, eat, suckle” routine he had going on before.  Sometimes the pacifier will calm him down, but only if he’s bored, not if he’s angry or hungry or uncomfortable.  When he falls asleep with a pacifier he will sleep until it falls out, and then there is screaming.  Thus when he gets comfy and hopefully before he is really asleep we take the binky away and let him just go solo.  Again, we hope that we’re setting him up to be able to sleep independent of a pacifier or being held or sleeping with Mommy and Daddy.  We’ll see how it goes.

As I re-read this I think two things.  First of all, a lot of our ideas came from The No Cry Sleep Solution, a book by Elizabeth Pantley.  What I like so much about this book is that it does not say, “Do it this way.”  It simply says that letting a baby “cry it out” and especially letting a newborn (who will not retain the “lesson” you are tyring to teach) “cry it out” is not really an effective way to teach a baby to sleep on his own.  Instead it offers a bunch of different techniques for different age children to help them feel comfortable and secure, and know that if they wake up alone that you will be back and be able to get themselves back to sleep.  It’s a totally non-inyourface type of book.

The second thing I’m realizing is that it sounds a little horrible.  Why not just hold your baby?  Why do you have to put him down all the time?  Well, honestly, I would love to have the strength and energy (and hands) to hold him all the time.  But the truth is I don’t.  Big people need sleep, too.  We also need to do laundry and eat and take showers.  Sometimes we just need to feel like we COULD do those things if we wanted to.  Also, Camper sleeps so much better in his bed.  As cozy as he LOOKS cuddled up on your chest he is much happier when he is awake if he had some good crib time as opposed to arm time.  We make sure we cuddle him lots (especially now that we bottle feed, we want him to feel secure and loved) but he needs good solid rest, too.

This is all quite a lot of work.  It requires a lot of patience, and sometimes you just want to break down and do the easy thing.  It’s so easy to fire up the heating pad and put him to sleep on your chest or lay him next to you in bed, stick his pacifier in and shut your eyes.  Before we brought him home I had this idea in my head that “night feedings” meant that the baby would wake up and cry, we’d feed him, and he’d go back to sleep.  I thought I’d be able to sleep in between.  But can I tell you- no, that’s NOT necessarily how it works.  So we’re working on it.  Who knows if any of this effort will amount to anything at all.  We mght be fighting this battle forever, but I really hope that doing the hard work now will result in a good, independent sleeper later.  We will see!

OH! And here’s a little bit of info for you.  YOUR BABY WILL SLEEP LIKE AN ANGEL IN THE HOSPITAL.  DO NOT ASSUME THAT THIS WILL BE HOW LIFE IS WHEN YOU GET HOME.  I remember thinking to myself, “Oh my gosh, my baby is amazing.  Eats, sleeps for 3.5 hours.  Diaper change, repeat!  I’d be totally fine if he kept this up!”  But our favorite nurse let us in on a little secret.  Birth is a traumatic process, so the first couple days after he came out Camper slept almost nonstop.  However, when you get them home they feel better, more energetic, and they’re getting used to the world.  All this translates into CRYING.  More than you ever knew.  Take advantage of your time in the hospital to sleep a little.  Trust me, you’re gonna need it.

Bear (Bare) Necessities

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

As I was in the shower this morning I began to sing that song from the Jungle Book in my head as I contemplated whether or not it would be better to shave one leg (hoping, of course to get to the other one next time) or leave both alone altogether if Camper started screaming.  Luckily it was a call I didn’t have to make because he even stayed asleep long enough for me to put some lotion on after shower, what a luxury!  I feel almost like a person today.  Probably because John has been helping a LOT at night due to my fever and mastitis- I really do need to get feeling better though or we’re going to end up with a sick Daddy in this house, too.  I feel like I am on the mend, for sure.  I’m am very, very glad to be married to a man that puts family (and by extension family sanity) first and takes care of me so well.

It is funny how things change when you have a little person to care for.  On top of the fact that I haven’t sleep in the same bed with my husband for more than a couple hours a week and I haven’t dusted my house since my Mom was here- I’m just a little obsessed with my child.  I think about him and talk about him all the time.  I’m started to feel like I have more time with him, and I honestly think it’s to do with bottle feeding.  He stays fuller longer and when he’s done eating I’m not in so much pain that I just want him in his crib.  This leads to us chatting, reading books, and playing bouncy chair together.  I’m starting to learn his faces and his sounds (for instance, he has two stretching noises: one sounds more like an elephant and means “Gotta move, uncomfortable!” and one sounds like a horse and means, “oooo…I’m cozy.”  Then he has a “don’t you dare touch me” scream he does when he doesn’t want to be moved, and his cry increases in volume every day.)  I love the way he looks at the pictures above his changing table and the way he checks out the bookshelves when he’s sitting in the living room.  I love the stage he’s in right now, but as I look forward I can’t wait to buy him shoes and backpacks and make him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

This is actually rather comforting because there was a time I worried that it’d be like the kitten thing, where I love the idea of having a kitten but as soon as it becomes a cat I grow disinterested.  But no.  I will always be interested in this boy of mine.  One day he will be a man, and that will be amazing to see.  Last night John was chatting with him about missions (after seeing a music video for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir…not sure they should do that) and he said, “And your Mommy will CRY….” and I looked at my tiny boy and realised how fast it really is going to go.  It might not seem that way at 3 or 4 am when I haven’t slept and he doesn’t seem like he’s going to, either…but it will.  I just need to capture things as we go along.

In other news…well, there is no other news.  My life is totally consumed by my child at the moment.  I am planning on having more of a life, soon, but first I need to feel better (oh please, please feel better) and then get a little more used to our non-scheduled life.  By the time I get used to it I’ll probably find him becoming more scheduled.

But for now…just the bare necessities….

The Things that are Different

Saturday, October 11th, 2008

So, I’ve been a Mom for about 3 weeks now.  Being home is nice, much nicer than the hospital.  And the trend of unexpected things continues.  First of all, Camper lost his belly button and pee pee ring.  Now, when he was curcumsized I asked the doctor if the pee pee ring would just come off…or dangle.

He said it may dangle.

Which began over a week of anticipation of an awkward diaper moment when he has a dangling ring hanging off his you know and me freaking that it’s hurting him and not wanting to pull at it or hold him because it might rip it off and scar him for life.

When John changed his diaper this morning it was just chillin’ in there, not connected to anything.  PHEW.  The baby is now able to be bathed, which makes me hope that we can create a bedtime routine sometime soon.  Bath with lavender soap, food, BED.  We’ll see.

Other than that, I’ve officially got mastitis.  It’s not all out bad right yet…luckily we caught it fast.  All I have to say is WOW, fun.  What was really fun was a trip to the BYU urgent care center to see an old guy who went and got a chaperon before he examined me, although my husband AND son were in the room.  He gave me a perscription but said that I should try and take care of it naturally first (something I subscribe to, because of my allergy to pennicilin I try not to overtake any of the antibiotics I CAN take) so guess who’s pumping again.  Just tonight I’ve begun to reevaluate if breastfeeding is the best choice for me- been reading a lot again and taking into account lots of different things, so we will see.  I think I may be prone to mastitis in general for reasons I won’t get in to…so we will see.  It would seem like a waste after all the education I’ve recieved with regard to pumping and breastfeeding.  But at least my choice will be an educated one.

Other new things: I’ve learned how Mom’s can get through most of the day without showering.  It is the result of waking up, feeding a baby who spits up all over himself, then thinking “I’ll just change him real quick and then jump in the shower while he naps” and then having him pee on his FACE while changing his diaper.  Then, of course, my duty is to my child, who I could have possibly let sit in a wee bit of spit up while I shower, but I can NOT let him sit with remnants of pee on his face.  So I bath him, which he screams through, and then give him the boob because he’s freaking out, and then I’m so hungry I could die…so I eat.  Next time I look at the clock it’s 1pm and I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet.  Amazing.

Also, my house is getting progressively messier.  John is a big help, when I start crying he starts straightening up and doing the dishes (and he does a lot of pre-crying work, too) and that helps…but I think I might use this opportunity to try and get over the OCD that took over a large part of life while pregnancy hormones reigned.  We will see.

Hmmm…what else?  Oh yeah, I used to go to the bathroom every hour, at least.  An empty bladder is a happy bladder, I always say.  I think I need to get over it and figure out how to pee while holding Camper.  Is that wrong?  Not as wrong as a happy combo UTI/Mastitis infection.

I have an ever growing list of things I really want to get done.  Camper’s baby book, a journal detailing the events of his birth, etc.  Thank you notes for everyone who has helped us, some small monument erected in the backyard in honor of my mother who helped me SO MUCH.  You know, the usual stuff.  But I still find myself in the same cycle: wake, pee, feed Camper, eat something, wash 1 thing in the house, fall alseep…start again.

And finally- we DID get new winter shoes.  Hello plushy boots!  Not a knockoff this time.  Sweeeet.

Aspirations of a Mommy-to-Be

Sunday, September 14th, 2008

Another interesting weekend, that’s for sure.  I am, at least, single digits away from my due date, although I think everyone around here wishes that number counted hours and not days.  I have, for the record, unequivocally learned what a contraction is.  And let me tell you, I did not know it when I felt it.   All you pregnant ladies out there who are being told “You’ll know it when you feel it,” if you feel confused, it’s ok!  You might NOT know it, specifically if you’ve never felt it before.  And if you’ve spent the summer having pain from other unidenifieable diseases, that can make you feel confused about pain in general.   I needed machines and medical personnel to help me identify what was happening in my body and am hopefully now more equipped to figure things out as they progress.  From what I’ve been told, however, my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to.  I am dialating, I am about 80% effaced, and Camper is strong and well.  So patience.  Now what I need is some patience.

I’ve been gearing up for Mommy-life so much that I’m just so anxious for it to start.  I’ve had to do some serious mental adjustment to get myself ready (as ready as possible) for staying home from work and school to concentrate on my baby and family- and I’m all set to give this a total go.  Taking care of Camper won’t be hard for me to deal with, but it will be the other Mommy-skills that will be an adjustment.  I’ve come to see that there are a few types of Mommies.  Among them are the kind that just barely get through life subsisting on daytime television and the bare minimum amounts of laundry, and then there are kinds that DO things.  All kinds of things.  So I’ve picked some things to work on.

I’ve made a list of 31 things I think I can cook.  I plan on cooking them.  For us.  To eat.  So we’ll see how that goes.  I’ve been threatening to learn to cook for awhile, but I think this might be my best chance as I’ll want to make sure I’m eating healthily to lose the baby weight and provide my baby with nutrients.

And then there’s Camper’s Halloween costume, which I’ve already started.  He’s going to be an OWL!  Isn’t that seriously, the cutest, the very cutest thing you can think of?  Then there’s supporting my husband as he finishes his last semester of school.  I’m not sure if I could have gotten through my last semester without him pushing me along and helping me focus, and I want to do the same thing for him.  Soon we will both be graduates, and with that comes our other plans.  We both need to select a variety of schools to apply to for grad programs, and we both need to take the GRE.  Now…that might not fit in with the normal “mommy-skills and activities” arena, but it does to me.

Then there are the household responsibilities, which include regular cleaning and laundry, etc., but I’ll also need to prepare for “the move,” which to me could seriously be a three month long process.  It includes investigating and systematizing our belongings so that when it’s time to pack we can do so efficiently and quickly, and selling things we won’t be hauling across the country with us.  It also includes doing this in a way that doesn’t drive John prematurely crazy with my obsessive, premature planning needs.  Tricky…

Another thing I’ve been wanting to do FOREVER is working through an HTML book John got me months ago.  I’ve been saying I was gonna do it for a long time and need to just open it up and start.  I’ve already got a bit of an understanding of what’s going on there, but if I want to do the CSS book next I need a much, much more solid grasp of it all.  Along with that goal is the ever-present and tempting thought of working some SEO magic on my blog, getting more into social networking.  I’ve been reading a lot more blogs lately and gotten a lot of ideas about things I want to do and change with my own.

And finally, the biggest project I want to work on between baby-OUT time and Christmas is…well, me.  I want to cultivate and stick to healthier eating patterns.  (Self-control, anyone?)  I’d like to exercise, both with Camper in tow and without, and I’d like to make sure that I’m doing what I can to be healthy- even healthier than I was before I got pregnant.  Cause let’s be honest, there’s some magic age when you just simply can’t eat McDonald’s and Burger Supreme every day and expect to be able to zip your jeans and walk up a hill.  And I think that having a baby catapults you into that age.  My IDEAL situation is to be able to have a long walk with Camper (either outside, or at the mall when it gets too cold) and then when John is home to be able to either go swimming or do an exercise video or find an aerobics class or something a little more hard core.  That way…it’ll be like TWO types of exercise a day.  Perhaps Moms everywhere are chuckling to themselves…but we’ll see.  We will see.

It all comes down to this- I have a few weeks of nothing but unadulterated Mommyhood ahead of me.  Before we move, before I start looking for schools and baby-friendly job, etc. and  I want to see this as a challenge, see how much I can do, how many habits I can form to better myself and offspring.  And as I’m finishing this post I see myself after a night of a million feedings in dirty PJ’s staring glazingly at the wall wondering what my middle name is.  You know, either way.