So I woke up this morning at 5am. (It involved Jillian Michaels and a yoga mat. I don’t want to talk about it.) Cy woke up at 6, was in his high chair by 6:15, and the power was out in about the same amount of time it took him to smear peanut butter all over himself. What ensued was utter ridiculousness. I went to find our lantern, leaving a two-year old yelling, “Ok?” from the kitchen darkness and me yelling, Mommy is right here, it’s ok!” from the upstairs bathroom closet. My Mom woke up and the only other flashlights we could find were Cy’s animals, that we call “The hippos” even though one is a zebra. A classic case of minority marginalization. Even though there are just as many hippos as there are zebras…so I guess they’re both minorities. Along with the Thomas flashlight. Long story short, every time we looked at something our flashlights either giggled, hummed, or choo chooed…which was actually a pretty amusing way locate each other at 7 am. Cy choo chooed, La La “do do do doed” and well…the zebra makes a sputtering noise. (Don’t worry Em, we’re keeping their batteries fresh.) After running around in the dark for an hour, and sensing that the sun wasn’t actually coming out today, Cy settled into my lap to watch movies on my iPhone. I think we dozed a bit together, and I just smelled him for what felt like 17 glorious years. Then the power came back on, and life resumed. But before naptime he allowed me cuddles again. And as I drove to school this afternoon I could smell his baby scent on me. I think we both needed that.
Posts Tagged ‘School’
Attaching
Wednesday, October 6th, 2010Letter of Intent
Monday, January 25th, 2010Dear College of My Consideration:
You asked me to write a letter of intent. This is something I’ve done a few times since getting my BA, but not something I’ve really ever felt like I’ve done well enough. I wrote letters for the last few programs I thought I’d enjoy, and even my lackluster enthusiasm got me past the gatekeepers and to a point where I had to decide that a) communications and b) full time on campus programs were not going to work. I don’t want this letter to be like that, because for the first time, I feel REAL enthusiasm. The makings of a definite plan, even.
If you would have asked me what letters like this sounded like when I was first applying for school I wouldn’t have an answer. I honestly don’t know. I thought I wanted to be an English teacher. When I got to school and started taking classes I went from an English major to International Studies to Philosophy, where I found my niche. Kind of. I was on the periphery of all the programs, never quite taking the same classes as everyone else. Never thinking of my education as part of some long-term goal that I had set up before I started. That evolved later, after I had gone to England and come home again. That’s when I realized that if I was going to teach the things I had been learning it would have to be in college. I wouldn’t be able to certify to teach high school as philosophy or religion major. But it still didn’t feel quite right. I had done well in school, really well. But I still wasn’t sure what my INTENTS were. I still didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I decided on grad school and just tried to get my BA finished. I did finish it, but I also got married and had a son in the meantime.
I always remember people saying, “You can be whatever you want to be.” And that’s true, for a certain amount of time in your life. There is a time that you can achieve whatever you want to because all you have to focus on is you. You are your only consideration, you are your only liability. You can do whatever you focus on, you can become whatever you are willing to work hard enough to be. But then there comes a time in life when other people begin to depend on you. You get married, you have a child. And then it’s less about what you WANT to be and more about what you HAVE to be. It requires some sacrifice. But then, all good things do, I think.
I have to be a good wife and mother, and to me, that includes staying at home with my kiddo where possible.
I have to be productive.
I have to be thinking.
I have to be ready to earn a living wage, although my husband is willing to support my fervent desire to stay at home with our children, I have to be ready to help should we need it.
I have to have something to do when kindergarten starts or God forbid…when I have a teenager who needs me to have my own life so that I don’t haunt his.
I have to have people to focus on and help other than myself and my family.
I have to have a place to go where people expect something of me that I don’t always want to give.
I have to work, for sanity and for…er…our bank account.
This program would allow me to stay at home with my son while earning a master’s degree from a real University, one I respect and admire and wish I could wake up every day and go to. It would help me prepare for and take exams that would place me in a good position to teach History (after a few pre-reqs are satisfied, of course. Thank goodness for my undergraduate meanderings. I have tons of History credits.) To have all of those things I mentioned above. I know that I can do this, and that I will become a teacher. I may never make a million dollars, but my family and I will be ok. I will be able to take some of the burden off my husband someday. I will contribute.
So yes. These are my new and decided-upon intentions.
Now to make this into a more comprehensible and professional letter.
Sincerely,
Erin Hattaway
September and I make myself sad sometimes. STOP IT!
Tuesday, September 1st, 2009Nothing makes me maudlin like the smell of September. Even the light seemed different this morning, and it made me reminisce and become a little sad. To be precise, this is my second September with no school. LAST September, though, I was awaiting the arrival of my Camper. And I think that is a big enough change to distract anyone from any sort of unfulfilled scholastic longing. I longed to give birth. That was about it.
I’m not sure that this excess in sentimentality is altogether my fault. I think that we have been fully conditioned to expect different changes as different times, and September has always been the time for new shoes, the time when you can run outside and play and not get too hot. The time when the days are shorter and evenings become more cozy, and when you have things to read at night and places to go in the morning. My first September morning as a full-fledged SAHM has made me totally and completely realize that I really do want to go to school every single September of the rest of my life. That was nice to figure out. So I guess it’s time to get my butt into school after all. Someday soon.
That said, I don’t get to go to school today. In strange Erin-land, it actually felt like a holiday I was missing out on. I am jealous of the kids I know who have to get up, eat breakfast, and get on a bus. I’m even MORE jealous of the slightly dazed young adults I’ve seen standing in line at Target for about a month, holding trashcans and bathroom rugs, freshly dressed in the sweatshirt they bought at ortientation. I don’t have a new bag and I didn’t go to Staples last week. I don’t have a schedule to print out or a campus to explore. But sitting in the living room this morning, holding my baby close as we watched Blues Clues and playing trucks on the floor- I realized that I shouldn’t DARE wish this time away or feel like I’m missing out. It was chilly enough this morning that I put him in one of the bathrobes we’ve had for him for forever. Although it seemed silly to put them on him when he was a baby, sitting in his bouncy chair covered in blankets, my “baby” is almost a toddler. And the trim little robe kept right up with him as he scooted all over the living room this morning. I ordered him some mukluks- soft and flexible so that he can crawl in them. I hope they fit him! We got him some long pants and pretty soon I get to think about Halloween costumes again.
There are so many Septembers left for school- but how many Septembers will I have when my baby is almost one?
So that’s that. I’ve cleaned up a yucky poopy diaper, glad that I bought that sprayer after all. (Thank you, applesauce.) I will maneuver my way through naptime, figure something out for lunch. Maybe we’ll go to the library and read books, or go for a walk and try to find some red and yellow leaves. Work on walking holding one hand. I’ve missed out on Fall in this part of the country for about….4 years? now? Maybe more? It’s going to be a good month. I’m going to do everything in my power to make it one.
oh yeah. and the baby.
Wednesday, August 12th, 2009
I love that although I’m done with the GRE and don’t have to obsess over it everyday…I’ve been posting even less than usual. Seriously, though, I’m so glad to be done with trying to study during precious naptime, or stealing time between piano lessons to sit in a restaurant making the waitress mad because all I want is some Diet Coke and to memorize this list of words. I did well. Well enough. I hope.
I’ve moved forward with the application process, although the job John has heard about this week isn’t near the college I want to go to…and we just keep moving. Not forward, not backward, just kind of…treading water. Waiting. Strengthening our muscles so that when the time comes we will be able to do what we need to do. Enjoying the calm waters and the security of home while we are still here.
And now John wants to get Camper a pet. To teach him responsibility. Any ideas?
I’m mulling over a post of things that you can do to feel rich when you are actually poor. So far the list contains, “Get your jewelry cleaned,” “pluck your eyebrows,” and “spritz yourself with yummy perfume samples.” I’d take suggestions for that one, too. Gonna be a good post that one is. Except I just told you the whole list and now I have to think up some other good stuff.
Goodnight internet. Got to go to bed so I can wake to my morning bedhead.
oh yeah. And the baby.
Decisions and Advice
Tuesday, May 26th, 2009So I’m applying to school. I take the GRE in a couple of months, I’ll start the application process for the Theology/Religious Studies programs to 5 schools, and then we’ll see. I want to start September 2010. My question for all of you out there is…how do you recommend going about getting letters of recommendation when you haven’t been to school in awhile? I went to the University of Scranton from 2001-2004, then BYU until 2006. I think I’ll end up making appointments to see people in Scranton, since it’s driving distance away. But these need to be awesome recommendations. Really, really awesome ones. Anyone with any tips?
Myself Revisited
Sunday, April 26th, 2009I wrote this a couple of weeks ago:
Looking back at the last couple of years, I realized that I seem to have condensed quite a few years worth of events into a rather short period of time. I met John in September of 2006, and we were engaged by January. We had a longish engagement (for the area we lived in, where people usually get married within 3 months of the proposal) and were married in August of 2007. I was pregnant by January, and had Camper in September. When I left for my mission in September of 2004, I wrote in my journal that I hope life wouldn’t leave me out, or leave me behind because I was choosing to leave everything behind for a year an a half. I’m suddenly realizing that it did not leave me behind, in fact…it almost put itself on pause, just waiting for me to get back so it could play itself out in good time.
It’s kind of crazy, but it’s played out like this:
May 2006: Home from England
September- met John
January 2007- engaged
September-married
January 2008-pregnant
September-Mommy
Big changes. The funny thing is, I feel like I have been married forever. I feel like I’ve been Camper’s Mom forever. The reality is, however, that I have actually been living in this new life of mine for a relatively short period of time. The last week or so, I’ve started to feel a growing feeling of nostalgia for the past, and a bit of sadness at my lack of effort to bring important things from my past into my future. I spent a couple of hours in a crawlspace the other day, surrounded by boxes of journals and books and stuffed animals, and realized that I am in need of a renovation. I’ve taken a break from the rest of life for a while now, and I think it was a good thing. I needed time to get used to this new family of mine. But now we’re in a situation where our baby is 6 months old, my health is finally under control, I’m NOT pregnant, and it’s time get back into the swing of things.
I wrote that after a recent visit with one of my best friends, Christine. Her visit was timely for a lot of reasons, but mostly because it got me thinking about why I am who I am, who I used to be, and which parts of myself I’ve let get pushed into the background since my mission, Utah, marriage, baby, etc. Here’s the thing: I’m not sad that I’ve changed and started new things, I love my family. I’m just finally at a stage where I can start building on myself again, working towards things like career goals.
For anyone who knew, I had applied to a program through the University of Illinois, an online program that would have allowed me to become a librarian. I thought that it would be the perfect plan for me, I was really psyched about it. I would be able to get through the degree while staying at home with Camper, and then have a career helping students research in a university setting. Academia. It was perfect.
And then I didn’t get in. Which really sucked. I wondered what was wrong with my records that I didn’t get in. My grades have always been really good, I’ve taken challenging classes. I should have gotten in! After I cried for a bit, moaning the loss of my newest plan, I was able to see that 1) Who knows if I wasn’t good enough, or if I was just one of MANY who were good enough. Not everyone can get in. Qualified candidates get turned away all the time, right? 2) I should have taken the GRE. Even though it wasn’t “required” if you had a certain GPA, I’m thinking that to be seriously considered, I need to take it. 3) I don’t want to be a librarian.
I know. I know. In some ways that job would be perfect for me, but after talking to John, I realized that I was going for a career that would get me close to the life I wanted. But why work with students when I want to BE a student? Why help others with their research when I don’t feel quite done with school myself?
John asked me to really think about where I would have taken my education if I hadn’t interrupted it to serve a mission in England and then gone to BYU, gotten married and become a Mommy. He also told me to look into full residency programs. Taking that into account, as well as long conversations with Christine (my dream job, remember?) I thought, why does what I really want to do have to be a dream?
So the new plan. I’m going to take this year. I’m going to be at home with my son, teach piano lessons, study for and take the GRE. And I’m going to apply to programs. PROGRAMS. Not one, but many, where I can get a Masters in Religious Studies. So far, of the programs I’ve found, it looks like I’d focus on Religion and Culture, or something similar. I’d be qualified to teach religion classes at any university that offers courses in religion. I can focus my study on Catholicism and Interfaith Dynamics (these things really exist!) and maybe, just maybe, even participate in retreats again. I can be excited about what I study, and teach things I’m really interested in.
I’ve hestiated to make this choice for many reasons. It never seemed like a “real” thing to do to me. A degree in religious studies rivals philosophy in the “what are you going to do with that?” department. The answer: academia and service. I can stay in academia, I can have a better chance of connecting with people through teaching about the Bible and gospel principles (and when I say this I don’t mean from my personal belief persepctive) and who knows? maybe even get into retreats where ever I end up. I’ve always shied away from being the “religious degree girl,” but why? Teaching religion is the most fulfilling thing that I can imagine doing. Aside from motherhood, that is. But I think I can have both. I’ve also stayed away from studying Catholicism because while in Scranton, I felt very keenly that I was not as qualified as the students around me in the theology classes I took. Well, that’s not true. There were plenty of people who knew less than I did, but what I knew I knew as a Mormon girl. And I wasn’t in the “inner circle” of theology students. For some reason, the way I was interested in theology didn’t seem like the right way…to be interested…Now I’m realizing that perhaps I simply didn’t take enough time to figure it all out. But I can do that now.
I’ll say that I’m still in the beginning stages of how to get this going. But I’m not rushing it. I’ve sent off some emails to different people in different programs (so far the two that have really caught my eye are Catholic University of America and University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill) just to open dialogue to the possibilites. I’m going to take my time and find the program that will allow me to do what I want to do.
Heart Swelling Pride Excited!
Monday, April 6th, 2009After John got up this evening, he was up in the bathroom/office vicinity when I heard him scream, “ERIIINNN!!!!” Now, for a man that rarely raises his voice for anything, this was pretty unexpected. I, of course, assumed that he was dead and rushed to the stairwell.
No, he is not dead, but he is accepted for the MFA program at Fairfield starting this summer. And as much as I’d like to joke that it’s because I’m a fabulous editor, it was based wholly on the merit of his writing. The email said that his writing was suberb, and a lot of other adjectives that I can’t remember right now because my brain is fried. I remember something like, “sharp, current, relevant” or words to that end. His dialogue was especially good. His themes and undercurrents were interesting and deep. (Shoot me that I can’t think of another word for deep right now. If I didn’t respect my husband’s privacy so much I’d hack into his email and post the email directly.) In other words: really, really good. The head of the program accepted him without even having his complete application in hand- so he’s got to hussle and get that all in- but he’s in.
Now, all of a sudden, this program gives us something to shove our feet into. Although we may continue to endure the job we are currently enduring, we can work towards something bigger. The benefit of a low residency program is that where ever he gets a job, we can go. On the flip side, if we need to stay, we can stay. His program will require some travel, but it isn’t full-time on campus. That helps him juggle life and school and everything else in between.
I am feeling so blessed that he was able to hear back so quickly, and not only that, begin a program that will help him do the one thing that he really wants to do. Another step up. One more step towards good stuff. Plus, I like seeing the glow caused by his validation. It’s amazing to see someone that you love hear that they are good at what they love to do.
A good day.
Return to Campus
Friday, November 21st, 2008I went to campus this morning. I was expecting to be hit by a huge wave of nostalgia, but I was not. Maybe I haven’t been far away enough to get hit by the smell and the atmosphere. Usually when I walk back into a place I spent so much time I take one whiff and millions of memories flood back in, and I miss it. I parked my car and started walking towards the building where I was going to meet with one of my professors (I need letters of recommendation) and it…just was. I didn’t feel like I belonged there, I didn’t feel like I didn’t. I didn’t feel nostalgic (although I did walk by the room where John and I met because I had some extra time :)) and the buildings just seemed, smaller somehow. Campus is beautiful, like it always is. Beautiful buildings and beautiful snow-capped mountains, lots of beautiful things. It was funny seeing the students walking around, some sleeping on the couches and benches in the humanities buildings. All I could think was, “You have no idea what exhaustion is, my friends.” Unless, of course, they have a newborn, too. It’s BYU. Could happen.
My meeting with my professor was nice. We talked about family and goals and about the classes I took from him. He’s retiring next year (most likely, he said) and I was just really glad that I got to have his class while I was at BYU. There were only three classes I took there that I actually loved or that I thought really challenged me in the way that I enjoy. He taught two of them. He told me that he would definitely write my letter of recommendation and thought that my current “degree” plan was very smart. He said, though, that he wanted me to write my own letter first and send it to him. He wants to know what I think of myself. My first thought was “awkward,” and then I realized I have no idea what I would say about my student-self. I’m not sure how to approach this task. I guess we’ll see how it turns out. I should be able to submit all my applications before we move, I’ve been studying in the evenings to prepare for the GRE. I just hope I still have test-taking skills. When I started at Westminster I was so excited to start a grad program, but two things happened: I realized that I didn’t like the construct of the program, or the teachers (at least one of them anyway…), and then I realized that I had taken on too much. Pregnancy, full-time job, plus being a wife and taking care of our home (which we definitely shared, and still share) was wayyyyy to much for me, especially because my pregnancy turned out to be so challenging. But this NEW idea (which I’ll share in more detail, soon), I think it’s got a shot. And it plays into our ideal future, which is an ever-changing, revolving type goal. One of the most amazing things about being in love with someone is dreaming with them, thinking about the future and making plans, and then adapting those plans as real life presents itself. John and I have been doing this a lot lately and I think we’ve got a series of very interesting ideas. Again, perphaps there will be more to share a little later on.
And as for today, it’s FRIDAY! John has a ton of campus stuff to do- class, test, meetings, etc. I’m going to the gym later. I actually felt really good walking around campus today, I think I might try and take Camper over there before it gets too cold. It’s beautiful and hilly enough that you feel the burn a bit. Or at least I do, because I’m weak, yo. It’s a stroller friendly campus, as well. Not too much cobblestone. This weekend should probably be restful, calm, etc. We’re going to need to start packing and getting ready for the move. But we have at least one more adventure planned before we go- a trip down to visit John’s parents on the reservation for Thanksgiving. Long drive #1 with Le Camper.
So, here’s a question…I’ve been going back and forth with whether or not to get some sort of tree for our apartment. We’re moving right before Christmas, and I KNOW my Mom will have a beautiful tree when we get to the other side (she always does :)) but I don’t want to miss that after-Thanksgiving tradition of putting up the tree and decorating. There is nothing like a dark, cold evening tucked inside your house just cuddling in light given off by the tree lights. And I’m SURE Camper would stare at it a bit. I’m thinking of getting a small tree, one that can sit on the little table we got for Camper’s room. I don’t know…is it worth it? You only get one Christmas a year…and it’s my absolute favorite holiday. We’ll see.
Have a good Friday everyone :) I’m off to play with my baby, who is very smiley and conversational at the moment.
